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Google weirdos

I love being able to see what Google searches are leading the unwashed masses to my site.

Here are a few that I found tonight, along with the first thing that sprang to mind as I found each one.

Search: naked petrified natalie portman

Googling by a real Don Juan.

Search: projectile vomit and collapsed lung

Call 911, you moron. Google isn't going to reinflate your lung for you.

Search: nothings

1. How can you have any quantity of nothing (the word is plural in the search)?

2. Isn't it counterproductive to search for it?

Search: feng shui tell-tale signs your cat is giving off bad energy

Obviously a cat euthanizer doing research for marketing material.

Search: robot copulation

1000101, dude! (do the math, computer nerds)

Search: backorifice group it.comp

I think you meant back office.

Search: lists needed once you die

You actually aren't going to need them anymore.

Search: i am a jerk

Yup!

Search: i'm very sensitive bees mp3

What the...

Search: corgi chocolates

Mmmmm... Hey, everybody! I made sheep dog for desert!

Search: pig milking

This is the 21st century - you don't have to do it yourself. You can get homogenized pig milk in the dairy aisle.

Search: squids and things

Oh, you know. I'm just looking for some squids... and things.

Search: rory is gay

For the last time, I am not!

Search: rory gates

But if I were, and if gay marriage were legal, and... Well, best to just stop right there.

Search: choke on this bitch

Um. I hope you found what you were looking for.

And then left.

Search: i love my t41p

You already knew that. Why did you search for it?

Search: i'm cold since i stopped eating red meat

Maybe you also stopped wearing pants the same day. Feel a draft?

Search: everyone thinks i'm gay

I know how you feel.

Search: how to write disappointment letter to a dickhead

This is a giant untapped "For Dummies" market.

Search: how to write a virus

Dear Influenza,

I'm fine. How are you?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Rory

Search: how to eat haggis

The better question is why, but I'll humor you and say, "From a distance."

Search: tale where people attacked each other over something stupid

Must've been searching for information on RSS vs. ATOM.

Search: pets rss feed

My pets can't even turn on the TV, let alone operate a computer. How they're going to get SharpReader up and running is beyond me (by the way - everybody go congratulate Luke).

Search: who is more logical women or men?

You're asking Google this question? The answer is that the more logical of the two genders is whichever one you aren't.

Search: my girlfriend has ocd

Google doesn't care!

Search: drinking your girlfriend's breast milk

Get your own damn breast milk, you freeloader!

Published Thursday, January 15, 2004 8:38 AM by Rory

Filed Under:

Comments

 

Rich C said:

This will go down in the annals of history as one of the very funniest blog entries ever written. Now you can justify charging for access to your blog. Of course, not to the people that already read, right?
January 15, 2004 9:15 AM
 

Davide Inglima - limaCAT said:

> Search: naked petrified natalie portman

I think this is my fault...

> Search: backorifice group it.comp

Rotfl! Someone who deserves his pc being taken and dumped in the Adriatic Sea (since we don't face the ocean... it.* is the italian usenet news hierarchy)
January 15, 2004 9:25 AM
 

Paul said:

> Search: backorifice group it.comp
> I think you meant back office.

FYW - they probably meant BackOrifice... BackOrifice was a "hacking tool" released by CDC (Cult of the Dead Cow) somewhere around 1999.

But I can't help but wonder how google managed to send them to your site with that search phrase. Perhaps they had the same guy build their search that Amazon used to do their recommendation code? :)
January 15, 2004 9:45 AM
 

mike said:

Here's a dumb question: how do you track Google searches?

My favorite is the answer on how to write a virus, fwiw ...
January 15, 2004 10:16 AM
 

milbertus said:

Mike, if you look at the referrals coming in to your site, the ones from Google contain the URL that they come from, which just so happens to include the user's search queries. I check mine too, and it's just plain odd sometimes how people get to your site.
January 15, 2004 12:44 PM
 

Stuart said:

...and people said I was wasting my time...
January 15, 2004 3:45 PM
 

Foss said:

Natalie Portman Naked Petrified... Classic slashdot troll, but the searcher left out "hot grits" :(
January 15, 2004 3:51 PM
 

Scott Glasgow said:

Rory,

You never cease to make me laugh. Thank you!
January 15, 2004 3:54 PM
 

Rory said:

"You never cease to make me laugh. Thank you!"

Hey - I'm just glad people are enjoying it :)

What's funny, though, is that the posts like this - the ones that I didn't think about *at all* - are often the ones that people seem to like best.

It's weird, because you'll spend two hours on a post, get about three comments on it, and two of those are from your mom who's using your blog to reach you instead of email.

Then, you get the ones like this which were written in about 23 seconds, and before I've even had my morning tea, the comments are coming in.

Weird :)

But not unwelcome...

Thanks for the kind words, people...
January 15, 2004 4:06 PM
 

chrootstrap@yahoo.com said:

hahahha.... very funny, Rory!
January 15, 2004 4:51 PM
 

Luke said:

For months now, the top three search-hits that ended up on my site have been "visionary philospher", "luke" and "male model"

"luke" must be for those people that are either too lazy or too stupid to type in my last name (was that hutleman, hutterman, huttman, or... oh forget it - just google luke)

"visionary philosopher" is for an emode iq-test post I did a long time ago (you too can have an IQ of over 130 and pay $15 to read all about it!)

and "male model" is of course because of my stunning good looks... (yeah right - you think it's a coincidence I have no pictures on my blog? - not all of us can get away with putting on a VR helmet (or is that just a pair of headphones tilted forward?) and show off our pearly white teeth...)

btw I saw a car once with "1000101" for its license plate, was that you Rory?
January 15, 2004 6:16 PM
 

Nic Wise said:

:) I know how you feel - my Blog is called "The Chicken Coop" on account of my company being called Fast Chicken Ltd (long story on the name) - so, my referer logs are filled with searches for how to build chicken coops.

Seriously - like, 5 or so a day. Thats a lot of people who

a) want to build chicken coops
b) think that a site on mobile software development is likely to provide that information.

:) Funny as always, Rory :) Cheers!
January 15, 2004 7:50 PM
 

Blair Stephenson said:

Now you are in trouble.

This post is going to attract even more weirdo traffic to you :)
January 15, 2004 9:24 PM
 

Dave said:


After reading this I just had to see how weird these could get so I decided to create some of my own by working back from the source of your blog.

"Freaky Starbucks migraine" was my first attempt but was way too easy and not funny enough :) The only reason I put it down here was because of another link from that same search to a book on Amazon.com called "To Pray As a Jew: A Guide to the Prayer Book and the Synagogue Service" which is weird enough until you realise that the Amazon page doesn't even include the word Starbucks.

But I was hooked on getting some better ones and managed to come up with "Paris anarchists wonder about curling up with the communists", those crazy French!

I took a break then and just decided to work on a personal problem I am having at the moment and who would have believed it but you had the answer to that too! "My girlfriend is bored of outcast fetishists".

But I had been concentrating on the easy articles, ones with fetishists and freaky migraines in them and I needed a challenge so I went for one of your more serious posts and came up with this which is my favourite I think. "My frustration with natural juicy Indian DVD studio. What can I say, sometimes you need to search for other people to share your frustrations.

Finally, I thought I would do your first post and it was almost too easy. "Naughty feelings about a holy woman"

Unfortunately, the real ones are waaay weirder so I guess I failed :)
January 15, 2004 9:28 PM
 

David Pickett said:

"It's weird, because you'll spend two hours on a post, get about three comments on it, and two of those are from your mom who's using your blog to reach you instead of email."

LOL...more common than I thought, I guess.
January 16, 2004 2:18 AM
 

Joe Duffy said:

Holy crap is this funny. You should make your referral logs public!

BTW, +1 fav vote for "projectile vomit and collapsed lung." Fits right in with your recent comic... ;)
January 16, 2004 3:22 AM
 

Rory said:

Joe -

"BTW, +1 fav vote for 'projectile vomit and collapsed lung.' Fits right in with your recent comic... ;)"

It also fits in with my recent and rather unpleasant hangover :) [http://neopoleon.com/blog/posts/2195.aspx]
January 16, 2004 10:57 PM
 

Ian said:

Heh! Google has some odd users!

I'd not thought of analyzing the strange requests I get, maybe I'll just send em over for you to ponder on!

without digging through old logs, the most recent one of note was for "fergal sharky wedding photos" which is a bit odd I guess.
January 19, 2004 10:51 PM
 

Tim said:

Interesting. Makes me glad I don't get hits on my site from Google, even if I try to find it using the search engine.
January 26, 2004 4:28 PM
 

Stoyan Damov said:

Coooooooooooool!:)))))))))
You made my day!!!

Cheers,
Stoyan
February 12, 2004 8:16 AM
 

Cameron Reilly said:

damn funny post dude. I'm jealous that your search strings are so exotic and interesting. Mine are totally boring by comparison.
February 12, 2004 11:24 PM
 

SHOUNAK SAROCH [ hackintrial@yahoo.com ] said:

HEY BUD!! i was lookin 4 a hacking tool to try n make some quick bucks ;-) [yeah i kno i know -->there r better ways -- like pump bullets in2 some street walkers hed :-o ]

AnD LOOK WHERE GOOGLE BROUGHT ME !!!!!!!!

U THINK I WILL B ABLE TO DO WUT I WANTED TO AFTER READING ALL THIS !!!!! I THINK I WILL STOP GOIN TO GOOGLE !! MAN U R FUNNY SHIT !!! THAT VIRUS U WROTE WAS THE K00lest!!! GR88 Job!!
July 1, 2004 9:06 AM
 

Anonymous said:

i typed in rory is gay to get here, in spite of my best friend rory.
you look just like him...
well, your silhoutte, anyway
August 1, 2005 7:25 AM
 

Anonymous said:

April 26, 2006 2:38 AM
 

Anonymous said:

April 26, 2006 2:38 AM
 

TrackBack said:

Funny post about google searches
January 15, 2004 5:47 PM
 

TrackBack said:

Funny post about google searches
January 15, 2004 8:49 PM
 

TrackBack said:

Funny post about google searches
January 15, 2004 8:49 PM
 

TrackBack said:

Final blog for the day
January 15, 2004 10:39 PM
 

TrackBack said:

Final blog for the day
February 12, 2004 8:41 AM
 

TrackBack said:

Bloggers influence?
February 12, 2004 10:32 PM
 

TrackBack said:

Google Weirdo's
March 19, 2004 5:40 PM
 

TrackBack said:

Google Weirdo's
March 23, 2004 10:37 PM
 

TrackBack said:

What customers ultimently buy...
April 24, 2006 4:19 AM
 

Binary Jam Balloons « said:

PingBack from http://binaryjam.wordpress.com/2007/06/25/balloons/
June 25, 2007 1:22 PM
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