Chihuahuas are neither good or bad, but thinking makes them so...

-- Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, Level 9 Battle Dwarf

A problem

Through a series of hard lessons learned, I've discovered to my amazement that if I put food into one end of my dog, something entirely different comes out of the other end, and usually on the carpet where it doesn't go very well with the rest of the furniture.

Having collected quite a few of these doggie presents and performed all manner of scientific experiments on them, I can tell you without any doubt that they don't seem to be good for much of anything.

In fact, I can state the following with the utmost confidence:

- You can't eat them

- You can't sell them - not even on eBay

- Other people don't seem to like receiving them as gifts

- Although they mask the smell of nasty odors around them, the odor with which they do the masking is itself none too pleasant

- You could dry them in the sun and then stack them to make small end tables, but I wouldn't

My research was too extensive to list everything I tried with these strange canine artifacts, so the list will have to end there, but I believe that you get the idea.

It's strange, really, to think that so many offensive items could spring forth from the body of one so adorable as this:

Note that, although this picture has been censored for public consumption, the "missing piece" can be downloaded here, making it possible for you to grab both pieces and then reassemble them using the photo editor of your choice, thereby restoring the image to its original glory

But so many offensive things do, and something has to be done about it.

A solution

Do you remember "the good old days" when oranges, tangerines, and grapes had seeds in them?

Well, it turns out that "the good old days" really sucked, and fruit scientists all around the world worked very hard to bring us versions of these sugary pulp sacks that didn't have any seeds in them. We are all better for it, and I don't think anybody could reasonably argue that the universe hasn't improved by quite a bit since their introduction.

This sparked a chain of thoughts in my head beginning with the following: What if I could develop a "seedless" dog?

That is, what if I could develop a dog who didn't need to eat, and therefore didn't leave these strange little gifts around the apartment? I'm certain that removing food from the picture would result in this outcome as there seems to be a nearly 1:1 correspondence between eating and the other strange activity that has me so up in arms.

As I've already proven myself to be a brilliant visionary with a long track record of real world solutions to the problems that plague us, I took it upon myself to look into the problem and come up with a rational, cost effective answer that could be easily and quickly implemented the world wide.

For inspiration, I turned to man and his incredible achievements in the sciences. Consider, for example, the following image:

This is an image of the solar panels sitting on top of someone's house. They provide energy for the television set in the house, allowing the entire family to sit around all day and watch the tube without having to work. This is a luxury they enjoy because they don't have an electricity bill thanks to the solar panels.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Of course you don't - I'm the visionary.

My thinking is that if I can replace the need for food with a need for energy, then I could outfit my chihuahua with all sorts of different devices that would require little maintenance while giving my dog the "juice" he needs and simultaneously stopping his constant pooping on everything.

Just for starters, I've compiled a list of alternative fuel sources for dogs that will completely do away with the need for me to clean his doodies off the carpet:

Solar Powered Dog

Pros:

- Very clean energy source

- Apparatus is stylish and lightweight

Cons:

- The dog would automatically turn off at night

- Dog would cease to function during a solar eclipse

Hydroelectric Powered Dog

Pros:

- Harnesses the power of nature to keep your dog ticking

- Dog would never get thirsty

Cons:

- You would have to carry a river everywhere

- Hippies would complain that your dog's power source is killing salmon that are swimming upriver to spawn

Wind Powered Dog

Pros:

- Wind is a totally free energy source

- No harm to the environment

Cons:

- Low flying planes beware

- Pigeons would sit on top of the windmill and poop on your dog's head

- You would definitely need to get a car with a sunroof

Corvette LS1 V-8 Powered Dog

Pros:

- Parts for this engine are easy to come by

- This engine has 100,000 mile spark plugs in it, so you wouldn't have to waste a lot of time taking your dog in for tune-ups

- Your dog would run on conventional 93 octane fuel

Cons:

- With a 0-60 time of about 4.5 seconds, it would be very difficult for you to catch your dog at the park

- Speeding tickets

- If your dog can outrun you so easily, then who's really the master?

Nuclear Powered Dog

Pros:

- Save money on flashlight batteries

- Unlike energy sources derived from the environment, nuclear power relies on materials that could be contained on site and carried with your dog, thus allowing him to come inside and sleep on your bed

Cons:

- Your dog would need to become a certified HAZMAT technician

- Possibility of nuclear meltdown (this is the sort of thing that can really ruin a family picnic)

- Terrorist agents and rogue nations negotiating with your dog for the purchase of spent nuclear fuels for use in manufacturing "dirty bombs" and other dangerous devices - if your dog is business savvy and has no scruples, then this is something you should definitely watch out for, so I highly recommend that you send your dog to obedience school before outfitting him with a nuclear powerplant

As usual, we probably won't see any of these ideas implemented because the world is controlled by reactionary conformists who can no more think for themselves than your underwear could order dinner for you at a fancy restaurant.

Eventually, though, these controlling types won't matter a hill of beans because when I have an army of chihuahuas that looks like this...

...the world will finally take me seriously because it's going to have to.