I've noticed that, in recent years, whenever somebody uses the term "one in a million," someone else is quick to point out that, even if you're one in a million, there are roughly five to six thousand other people on Earth who are just like you.

That's a little saddening. No matter how sick, twisted, and perverted you are, there are other people on this planet who are ready to start a club with you.

That's when I came up with my brilliant idea. I figure that if I staple my hand to a pig, I'd probably be doing something that nobody else is doing. For at least one brief moment, I can be unique, and I won't even have to smear feces on myself to stand out from the crowd.

Until other people staple their hands to pigs, anyway.

Don't steal my good idea, please.