When I read 1984, I was like, "OK - the guhbamint wants to keep us under control and monitor our every movement. So what?"

The idea of some government entity keeping track of everything I do doesn't bother me at all. I figure that if the law doesn't protect my right to freedom and privacy, gross inefficiency and bureaucratic red tape will. I mean, who's going to have time to really pay attention to everything I'm doing? And, more importantly, who cares?

What's the government going to do? Watch me do the dishes? Write email? Go #2? If that's what they want, then fine. I'm a (mostly) law abiding citizen, and I'm not the slightest bit afraid of "Them." There are just too many people to effectively keep track of.

But, tell me that my local grocery store is keeping track of me, and I flip out. Suddenly we have an organization with the time, the budget, and the motive for plugging into my life, tracking my activities, and figuring out what makes me tick so that they can eventually figure out the perfect temperature, humidity, and muzak combination that will absolutely compel me to buy a particular brand of shaving cream.

For me, it all started a few years back when Egghead Software introduced its "Cue Card." At first, this thing saved you 4% on any software, and it seemed like a cool deal. I was willing to let Egghead know more about myself in exchange for a few bucks saved on each purchase.

One day, though, I walked into Egghead and noticed that all the software prices had changed. Everything had a weird price on it - numbers like "$42.79 " and "$53.12."

I don't want to go out on a limb here and spread rumors about a company that bit the dust in a big way, but it's almost as though they had raised prices throughout the store by, oh, 4%. Now, if you wanted to pay a regular price for software, you had to have that stupid Cue Card.

Then, other businesses got in the act. Some marketing people at Safeway, for example, saw what Egghead was doing and said, "Hey - I bet Egghead's customers really like having to carry around a whole extra card in their wallets just so that they can pay regular prices for things - we should do that too!"

And so the "Safeway Select Club Card" was born. With this card, you, too, can enjoy paying regular price for groceries.

Not only that, but you get to enjoy being harassed by Safeway staff about the stupid thing. I live on top of a Safeway, and every time I buy something, I get the same intense "DO YOU HAVE YOUR SAFEWAY CLUB CARD?" spiel.

I've started seeing it all over the place now, too. When I went to the mall a couple weeks ago to order Star Wars and some Dr. Who DVDs, I went to three stores, and at each store a sales person asked, "Do you have our card?"

Are these people serious? Do the marketing dips at these companies really and truly believe that I want to be carrying around five hundred cards from different retailers so that I can save 3% on products that have been marked up to compensate for the savings? Am I the only one who thinks this is nuts?

It makes me wonder what the future holds for someone like me. How forceful are companies going to get about their stupid cards?

Where will they draw the line?

Eh?

Hm.

Hmmmmmm...