Chris recently posted a brief bit about the Google Labs Aptitude Test. I took a look at the test and was all like, "You call that a test? I'll show you effete intellectual snobs what a real test looks like."
So, I made my own test - the Neopoleon Aptitude Test. Basically, if you can pass the test below, then you're qualified to write for this site.
Good luck.
The Test
1. You're walking down the street when you come across a piece of chewed gum. The mature and intelligent part of you tells you not to chew the gum, but the idiotic part of you (which talks much louder than the smart part) tells you to go ahead and chew it.
Just before you make your decision, the gum looks up at you with its big blue eyes and says, "Please don't eat me."
What do you do?
A. Chew the gum and laugh, knowing that the gum can hear you since it's in your mouth
B. Coddle the gum and tell it that everything is going to be all right
C. Ask the gum who its voting for in the upcoming election, and then chew it based on its response
2. How many fingers am I holding up right now?
A. 14
B. Hey! Those aren't fingers!
3. In the space below, and in 500 words or less, describe in your own words what's wrong with the Special Theory of Relativity and what you would to do fix it. If you can't think of 500 words, then you can just draw a picture of your dog here. If you don't have a dog, then draw your cat. If you don't have a cat, then quit stalling and just answer the god damned question already:
4. It's the middle of WWII, and you've just crashed your Spitfire behind enemy lines. You're all alone, and just now discovering the contents of your survival kit:
- One pair of strawberry flavored edible underpants
- One spiked collar
- One leather leash
- One official "I'm the Master" brand dominatrix bull whip
You're also realizing that all the German you've ever learned was picked up during a poker game, and it roughly translates to "Are your nipples hard, or have you recently attached antennas to your pectoralis majoris in an attempt to improve the radio reception?"
This makes you feel:
A. Pretty darned good, actually
B. Like you wish you had taken that office job
C. Horny
5. Would you rather have one million dollars or be the President of the United States of America?
A. Yes
6. Your boss has come to you with a computer problem. After listening at length to your boss' explanation of what seems to be wrong (the computer isn't responding), you go take a look at the computer and:
A. Examine the power pack to make sure the tweedler is connected to the twiddler
B. Wiggle some cables around to see if anything's loose
C. Turn it on
7. Two trains are traveling towards the same destination from different directions. Each train must follow a route which allows for no more than a total of ninety degrees of arc in derivation from the traveling direction in which each train is currently traveling towards from the source of the beginning of each train's departure point in relation to the central crossover where each train must not be traveling in excess of sixty miles per hour unless both trains have a relative speed that is a fraction of the total distance traveled since the day of departure. One train is traveling at forty-five miles per hour, while the other train's snack cart is all out of Cheezee Nibbles. What do you do?
A. Check the seat pocket in front of you for more Cheezee Nibbles
B. Order a Frosty Donut instead, but complain that there should be more Cheezee Nibbles on board (even though you secretly prefer Frosty Donuts)
C. Find the kid who got the last bag of Cheezee Nibbles, beat him up, take his Cheezee Nibbles, and go find a quiet place to enjoy your victory (and Cheezee Nibbles)
Scoring
Total up the number of correct answers from even numbered questions, divide by six, and add the number of questions that you got wrong from odd numbered questions minus the total number of questions in the test less any questions for which you didn't provide an answer, or for which you only provided a bad sketch of either your dog or cat.
If the result of your calculations is 106 degrees Fahrenheit, then you're qualified to write content for this site.