[Warning: This post is rated PG-13 for strong language, adult themes, STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT THINGS THAT MIGHT OFFEND THE HELL OUT OF YOU, and the confusing, wandering style it has because, like an idiot, I decided to write it while I had a migraine. You have been quite sufficiently warned.]
I went with some local nerds to go see the new movie "Team America: World Police" last night.
My review is as follows:
Holy sh*t.
I don't even know where to begin. It was brilliant.
Granted, it delivered its message with all the subtlety and grace of a retarded gorilla on PCP in a China shop with a sledgehammer and a bone to pick, but that was part of the fun.
Let me break it down a little for you.
The Format
Puppets. I don't know what else to say.
Puppet violence, puppet bleeding, puppet barfing, puppet arguing, puppet loving, and puppet sex.
Hot puppet sex.
The Attitude
You all know that I'm a total liberal.
I wear a purse (well, it's a camera bag, but it functions as a purse), I like gay people just as much as I like everybody else, and I think it's OK to swear in churches (I don't actually do this, as I don't go to churches, but the concept doesn't offend me).
However, I am not PC (Politically Correct, for those of you who somehow missed the 90s).
I hate PC. I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. And I think it stinks.
It's like the new Victorian Era. But, instead of being so afraid of sex that we cover the legs of piano benches with sheets lest they should turn us on, we're so afraid of possibly offending people that we've completely gutted and sterilized our language.
It's taken all the color out of everything. If life before PC had been a plum, then life after is a prune, and I HATE PRUNES, PEOPLE - I HATE 'EM.
When I was growing up, my mom dated quite a bit. Of all the men she dated, my absolute favorite was this black guy named "Homer." Homer was eventually like family. We got along pretty damn well, and he was great to my sister and me.
However, I'm sure that there are a few people reading this who raised their eyebrows after reading the words "...was this black guy..."
Know why? Because we're not supposed to say that anymore. We're supposed to say "African-American."
Of course, if you asked Homer, he would have said that he was black, He wouldn't have said that he was "African-American."
Why? Because he wasn't African-American. He was, quite simply, American. He had never been to Africa, and wouldn't have known what to do there any more than any other tourist if he had gone.
The word "ridiculous" comes to mind.
My mother eventually did marry an African, and he naturalized, and I'm quite happy to call him an "African-American," because that's what he is.
What's really crazy is that, used inappropriately, labels like these just do more to segregate. One day, I was an American, and Homer was an American. Then, the decade rolled over, and suddenly I was an American, while Homer was an African-American.
What's up with that? Language came along that was invented by a bunch of crazy knee-jerk yahoos, and the first thing it did was try to set up a cultural divide between me and one of my best friends.
F*** that!
I have no use for PC.
And neither does "Team America: World Police."
From start to finish, TAWP tears PC limb from limb in an over the top fashion that left me feeling vindicated. There was an actual catharsis to watching this movie - it was therapy. When everybody on the outside is doing everything they can to stifle normal human interactions, TAWP just says, "I don't care."
It's great.
The Mirror
TAWP does a lot of finger pointing, and nobody is safe.
Whether you're straight, gay, bi, tri, quad, or whatever, you'll get nailed by this movie. Whether you're white, black, this, that, or the other, you'll get nailed.
The one thing about this movie that is PC is that it's very Equal Opportunity in its approach: We're all fair game.
The most interesting thing about the way this movie abuses its audience, though, is that, while making fun of everybody, it clearly separates the USA from everything else - we get special treatment.
Even more interesting is that, when making fun of other cultures, the film is really still just making fun of Americans. By representing every other culture with American stereotypes, seeing a Middle-Eastern gent with a machine gun is still a message to the Americans in the audience, and the message is:
You're acting like idiots. Stop being such a bunch f*cking idiots.
Some might find this offensive, but some people just don't have the backbone to take a little criticism.
The Shock
About three quarters of the way into the film, there's a highly suggestive scene depicting a very temporary homosexual relationship between a couple of guys.
What threw me is that, up until this point, the audience had mostly just been laughing.
Once this scene started, I heard the gasps, groans, and, interspersed with them, silence of an audience that "didn't get it."
That freaked me out.
Here is what the audience thought was funny and acceptable:
- Mega [puppet] violence
- Graphic [puppet] sex
- Offensive cultural stereotypes
- Offensive language
- About a million other things
Here is what the audience didn't think was funny and acceptable:
- Homosexuals
Could somebody please just step forward and tell me what in the hell is wrong with a little male-to-male fellatio?
I mean, I don't want to do it, but I can understand that some other people might, and it's not that motherf*cking hard to just let them. It's actually really easy.
Here - watch.
Do you see what I'm doing?
I'm not minding. I know that it's going on, and I just don't care.
It turns out that, in order to preserve your own heterosexual orientation, you don't have to hate every other sexual orientation on the planet.
But, I suppose that some people just can't operate unless they've got someone else to sh*t on.
There have been plenty of people like this throughout history.
Like, oh, I don't know... Maybe HITLER.
If you think along these lines, then you might enjoy this little activity that I've created.
I put together a template of a particular human being - your job is to PhotoShop your own face into this image so that the hair and moustache line up with your own features - let me know how it goes:
Now, the truth is that I have quite a few friends who are racist/sexist/homophobic/whatever. I might sound unduly harsh here when talking smack, but the world is a complicated place, and the human brain is one hell of a complicated organ, and I understand that different people have their own beliefs and views for their own reasons.
I might cringe when I hear certain remarks, but the same kooky forces that led me to believe what I believe are the same kooky forces that led you to believe what you believe.
I guess it just makes me sad that so many people I know, who are perfectly intelligent and thoughtful, feel the need to hate other people for really stupid reasons.
It's such a waste when there are already all kinds of good reasons to hate other people.
What in the hell happened to the review?
It looks like I got a little tangential there.
The point is, "Team America: World Police," although offensive in every possible way, will make you think, and that's worth a few bucks.
Plus, the puppet sex will make you horny, which is cool.