In a recentish post, I noted in the comments section that it seemed to me that clouds were banding together for purposes we couldn't even begin to fathom. Seen in many places all over the globe, I'm amazed that it took me so long to realize what was going on.

Obviously, we are slowly being taken over in a silent war with atmospheric phenomena.

Seriously. Chew on this, my skeptical friends:

Strange facts about clouds

- They obscure the sun, which we need to survive

- Rain often follows the appearance of clouds - what's the connection?

- They are grey - why aren't they a happier color?

- They have little beady eyes

- They ruin a nice day at the beach

What can all this mean?

I began to pay close attention to these odd happenings, and what I've found will chill you to the bone.

With my assistant, Aydika, I've been working to catalog cloud sightings in and around my home town of Portland, Oregon - certainly the last place on Earth you'd expect to see anything strange.

December 12, 2004 - 3:54 PM

Aydika and I were driving out for coffee in the afternoon, having a swell time. Then, almost as though they had snuck in like an army of shock troops wearing bunny slippers (to be quiet, of course), I looked up in the sky and spotted legions of clouds:

What do they want with us? Do they come in peace?

December 12, 2004 - 4:23 PM

Later that same day, we saw even more clouds. We pulled over near a field to investigate. I had Aydika stand next to a tree to give you an idea of the size of the clouds (note that Aydika is eleven feet tall):

Why don't they attack? What are they waiting for?

December 14, 2004 - 3:59 PM

Two days after the first sightings, Aydika and I spotted even more of the wispy invaders.

We got out of the car to investigate, and Aydika noticed something remarkable: Lining up perfectly with an area radio tower, we could see a break in the cloud formation. This led us to the obvious conclusion that radio waves from the tower were able to pierce through the cloud covering and disperse them - it is my firm belief that this information could one day save the human race:

Aydika makes an important discovery

Not far from the radio tower, we found something else that was quite interesting:

Is this a dead cloud?

Shown here (next to Aydika's foot for perspective) is what we believe to be a cloud that got cooked when it sailed too close to the radio tower.

We scraped a sample off the sidewalk and sent it down to the lab. As soon as our boys have an answer, you'll be the first to know.

You have to admit that this is pretty weird, though. I've personally never seen water carbonize quite like this before.

December 16, 2004 - 8:27 AM

A pattern is emerging here - it seems that, when I go outside, I see clouds.

I may not be the brightest bulb in the string of blinking non-denominational festive holiday lights, but I know something fishy when I see it.

On my way to breakfast the other morning, I saw a group of clouds waiting in the wings like a pack of lions skulking at the perimeter of a gazelle convention.

These things are planning something:

Clouds descending on an unsuspecting populace

I was also more certain than ever that Aydika and I were on to something big here, as when I got home, I found that the clouds were already there, outside my window, waiting for me - watching me:

They hang there like jellyfish - but do they sting?

Alarming Connections

Looking at the dates and times of the cloud sightings, I've managed to determine the following:

- All cloud sightings took place on even numbered days (12, 14, 16) - does this mean that clouds are afraid of odd numbered days? Can we use this information to build an anti-cloud weapon?

- All cloud sightings took place in either the AM or the PM - how do we explain away this coincidence? Is it a coincidence?

- If we add together the days (12, 14, 16) and the times of the sightings (3:54, 4:23, 3:59, 8:27 - expressing each time as a whole number with the colon (:) removed), we get the number 2,005 - I'm not just imagining this, am I? This is obviously the year they plan to attack - that's, like, soon.

A Call To Action

Only the strong survive, and I suggest that we take the following steps to reduce the Cloud Threat Factor (CTF):

- As a stockholder of the Microsoft Corporation, it is my professional opinion that no good offensive would be complete without everybody immediately purchasing one extra copy of Windows whether they need it or not

- Send me a check or money order for $19.95 so that I can purchase and stockpile CT countermeasure devices

- Clouds are made out of water - if you see any water anywhere, then pick it up and notify the proper authorities - if there is nobody nearby to help, then destroy the water as you see fit

- People are mostly made out of water - is it possible that people you know and love are possessed by clouds? It might be best to dehydrate first and ask questions later

- If we all mount fans on our roofs, point them in the same direction, and then turn them on, we might be able to push the clouds someplace else where damage and destruction could go unnoticed - like Canada

In the Meantime

Until a proper plan can be formulated, rest assured that Aydika and I are going to be staying on top of this thing as it develops. Before we take our case to Washington, we need to collect enough evidence to convince the bureaucratic bigwigs that we're not merely a couple of loons who've gotten carried away with what some SKEPTICS might think is just a cockamamie conspiracy theory that was dreamt up after an afternoon of hallucinogenic navel contemplation.

For now, just remain calm. There's nothing you can do to help - leave it to those of us who know best how to proceed.