It looks like Don and Scoble have made their predictions.

Now allow me to show you people how to really predict the events of the new year.

1. Bush will shrink in size

Not in popularity, but in actual physical dimensions.

I have no evidence to support my claim, and I cannot reveal the compelling source which led me to arrive at this prediction, but by the end of the year, George Bush will be approximately 40.25 inches tall, which is just barely too short to “ride this ride.”

This will lead to him throwing a temper tantrum when denied access to Disneyland’s “Thunder Mountain Railroad” thrill ride.

All will be made well in the end when a Secret Service agent buys him a non-alcoholic mojito in the amusement park’s New Orleans themed district.

2. Stephen Hawking will write a new book

“A Brief History of Mime” will be a departure from Hawking’s first love, theoretical physics. In this book, he will explore the various techniques of mimery in a way no other mortal has ever dared.

For this, he will be feared, and then he will be loved out of respect for this fear.

He will also begin smoking cigarettes.

3. Stephen Hawking will quit his job

Following an explosion in popularity over “A Brief History of Mime,” Stephen will quit as the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge and join the circus.

Not sure what that has to do with mimes, really, but that’s my prediction, and I’m sticking to it.

If you don’t like it, then get your own god damn crystal ball.

4. Big twist in Star Wars Episode III

We will all learn that Jar-Jar is Anakin’s father. It will be revealed that he slipped and his reproductive proboscis (note: this is a totally incorrect use of the word “proboscis”) accidentally landed in a willing and appropriate bodily orifice of Shmi Skywalker where the miracle of life took place.

The implications are, as you can well imagine, far reaching.

This will mean that Luke Skywalker’s grandfather was a clumsy, floppy-eared, borderline mentally retarded CGI space rabbit, which is a helluva lot scarier than learning that his father was Darth Vader.

This will also explain the extensive scarring which led Anakin Skywalker to don the black suit of Darth Vader: A botched plastic surgery job to remove the floppy space bunny ears (from his Jar-Jar DNA) that began growing in the later stages of Anakin’s journey through puberty.

5. Asteroid will narrowly miss the Earth

It will then realize its mistake and come back to nail us.

6. I will have a heart attack

Probably not from natural causes, either.

7. A volcano will erupt

While this wouldn’t be big news on it’s own, there’s an important twist.

When the volcano erupts, its ash and lava will shoot into the air, sail in a great arc, and then land in ANOTHER VOLCANO’S CRATER.

YEAH. Find a prediction like that someplace else.

You should probably take this with a grain of salt, though, as my license to practice eruptionology has been revoked in the United States (but I can still legally pursue these interests in the Republic of Chad provided I am accompanied by a parent or guardian).

8. The Earth’s magnetic poles will finally flip

And, when they do, a river of blood will pour forth from mine eyes, lightning will fly from my nostrils, and a great cloud of infinite blackness will settle over the entire planet whenceforth my thousand-year reign of terror shall begin, and you will all call me “Master.”

A light lunch will be served in the early afternoon with a complimentary and refreshing fruit beverage to follow.

Bring swim trunks.

And that’s about it

I’m going to go get drunk with my fabulous girlfriend.

Happy New Year :)