Wow

First off, I’d like to dedicate this review to Melanie. She came into the comments section and yelled at me because it’s been so long since I last posted. It was a nice wake-up call. I need that sort of thing every once in a while (even though it says on my resume that I’m a “self starter” (it also says I’m “detail-oriented,” and I bet yours does, too (liar))).

I’m sorry about the lack of updates. I really am. I started writing a post three days ago, and it has since grown to about 7,000 words. I realized yesterday that I was going to have to cut the thing up into several parts and post it over a week so that your goldfish-like attention spans can cope. It’s about my first year at Microsoft, general experiences you should expect to have should you ever become a Microsoft employee, and an extremely candid discussion of some of the things that I think work very well at Microsoft, and some of the things that don’t. I seem to have a lot to say about it.

I’ve also redone my first podcast twice, and I think I finally have it where I want it (I had to learn from some private trial and error). I’m also starting a second podcast (technical), getting ready to do a slew of vblogs, and all while I’ve been working with other members of my team to make the Code Room happen (we had some funding issues, but it looks like we shall overcome). Just to make my life even more difficult, I’ve started on two more series of comics that I want to do. It’s been a week of too many ideas and too little time. I wish I could hire someone to help me do this blog because I’m starting to run out of myself.

Basically, I’ve had one of those uber-busy weeks that give you tummy-aches and bad dreams.

Anyway, I wrote this post yesterday during a caffeine-induced panic attack. It should give you an idea of what life is like inside my head when all my neurons try to fire at the same time (by the way – if anybody would like to rent out my brain during these periods so that I can take a break and go to the tropics or something, then you can have it at a reduced rate – write me; we’ll talk).

The Sony PSP

I wrote earlier that I was going to post a review of the Sony PSP. I’ve since decided that an entire post dedicated to the PSP would be overkill since my feelings about the device can be summed up like this: it’s neat. Get one, dummy.

They’re expensive, but also one of the most impressive handheld dork gadgets you can get right now in exchange for money (although if you’re well connected, you could probably get one in exchange for a little somethin’ else, if you know what I’m talkin’ about ). The graphics capabilities are great, the device itself feels good in your hands, and it’s slim enough that it can fit comfortably in your metrosexual purse. Highly, highly, highly recommended. I just wish my company put out something similar (but better). Until then, the Sony PSP will be my mobile gaming dork solution of choice.

The only problem with the PSP right now is that there aren’t a lot of games available. Many games are ready for release, but are being held until the holidays so that people will be whipped into a mad PSP frenzy which should clear stores of their inventory of both games and devices. I’m guessing that shelves will be empty before Christmas arrives. I also predict 800 PSP-related shopping deaths. It’s going to be a Beanie Baby Christmas all over, with grandmothers pulling pistols on other unsuspecting shoppers and mugging them for their PSPs. There will also (probably – I’m not sure) be a television mini-series about the whole mess which won’t be very popular and will be played very late at night on TBS. If none of these predictions come true, by the by, I’ll just come back here and edit this post to reflect actual events the way real psychics do.

I bought my device along with about five or six games. I keep forgetting how many exactly because a couple were duds, and I keep them hidden the way you keep your hideous monster children hidden while only bringing the nice ones out to family gatherings (the children with urine-squirting forehead-horns are, rightly, kept in the basement and thrown meat at Feeding Time, but never allowed upstairs or out of their cages).

One that I picked up two days ago, though, wasn’t a dud at all, which is a surprise given its premise.

Namco Museum Battle Collection

When I’m playing Namco Museum Battle Collection (hereafter referred to simply as NMBC), it kind of trips me out. I mean, I spent about $250 on the PSP itself, and that’s not cheap in the Blyth household. For a little black thing that just makes pictures on a screen that you can control, it seems like a lot of money. There were times in my life when $250 would have paid rent, yo. That’s some moolah. CASH MONEY, BIATCH.

The reason I feel weird about NMBC on my expensive little piece of hardware is that NMBC is a collection of games. Old games. Games that are about as old as I am.

Games like Pac-Man, Galaxian, Rally-X, Dig Dug, and Rolling Thunder. There are more, but you get the idea. This is one of those “retro” collections. When playing one of these games, you should be sipping Tab through a candy-striped straw and practicing your Moonwalking between level loads.

For the money that I spent on the PSP and NMBC, I could have, back in the day, played Pac-Man 1,200 times. I think that’s about 1,150 times more than I’ve played it over the course of my entire life, so I feel kind of weird about having spent a bunch of money just so I could play it while sitting in airport terminals, waiting in line at the movies, and during boring dates.

There are all the other games in the collection, too, but I really bought NMBC for Pac-Man:

Not much to say - it's Pac-Man [shrug]

So, what was this? I tell you what: A big fat dumb stupid idiotic mistake, that’s what.

Not because I don’t like Pac-Man, but because I had completely forgotten how utterly terrifying the game was. Seriously. It’s totally unnerving, and it gets in the way of my whole Buddhist way of life.

People talk about how scary a game like Half-Life 2 is just because of its realistic physics engine, the expansive landscapes, and all the nightmares constantly coming at you and trying to kill you in booming surround sound.

Here’s the big difference: You can save your progress in Half-Life 2.

In a tight spot? Just restore your game. Does that monster seem too difficult? Save your progress, go out to the net, and find the cheats to get you through.

Here’s a news flash, Jackpants: There t’ain’t no cheat codes in Pac-Man. When you get in a tight spot, you’re just fucked.

It doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, but when that last pellet is sitting in a corner and every single last ghost is hanging out there waiting for you, I challenge you not to feel the fear of God in your boots. I’m not kidding here. The game is positively nerve-wracking.

When you have a level mostly cleared, can you save just in case you blow it? NO. Can you go online to read about how to get that last pellet?

What do you think? Of course you can’t. The gameplay is so simple that nobody’s going to write a strategy guide for you. Any such strategy guide would be pointlessly short, anyway:

Neopoleon.com Pac-Man Strategy Guide

Stop stucking. You suck. Stop doing it (“it” being sucking – stop).

And all those sound effects. The relentless, nasally “chowump-chowump-chowump” as Pac-Man eats the pellets. It’s like Chinese water torture. It never stops, but lingers, reminding you constantly that your battle is, and always will be, uphill.

There’s a bright side, though. When you clear a level of all the pellets, what do you win? I’ll tell you: You get the gift of about four seconds of respite from the mad carnage before you’re thrown back into the maze again to fend for your Pac life. It’s insane. In a game like Half-Life 2, you can take a breather after you kill all the mutant squid aliens in an area, but not so much with Pac-Man. It’s just chomp, kill, chomp, kill, chomp, kill, and it never stops. It would be like sharing a hamster wheel with the Grim Reaper, all the while feeling the swish and swoosh of his scythe as he swipes, but barely misses, your head. If you get nervous about things like having your head chopped off on a hamster wheel that you’re sharing with a mythical creature, then Pac-Man might not be right for you.

Then, getting past the gameplay itself, could somebody please explain once and for all just what in the hell this game’s about? What the hell is a “Pac” man anyway? Why is he stuck in this maze, why are all these ghosts after him, why does he have to eat all these pellets, and why, oh, lord, why does eating a particularly big pellet turn him into some kind of super Pac-Thing that has the ability to kill a ghost? Think about it – a ghost is, traditionally, something that’s already dead, and here you are, rambling around this maze, just being your usual yellow Pac self, and you’re, like, killing ghosts. Does that make any sense at all?

At all?

And who is Pac-Man? Why is he here? Is it for love? Money? Did he lose a bet with God? Is he the last of his kind? Are there other Pac-People out there? Are they all being held prisoner with their release contingent upon the success of their savior Pac-Man in the Arena of Pellets? Are there Pac-Women? Pac-Hermaphrodites? Are there homosexual Pac-People? Do Pac-People lay eggs? Autodivide? Give birth to live offspring? What do Pac-Children look like? Do they need dentists? Do they even have teeth? How do they chew the pellets if they don’t have teeth? How does the digestive system work? I see a “way in,” but I don’t see a “way out.” Where do all those pellets go? If you cut a Pac-Thing in half, can you count the rings to see how old it is? How does a Pac-Thing chew gum? Would its head just get stuck shut? What are they made out of? Where’s the jaw hinge? Is the mastication system entirely muscular, or is there some kind of a skeletal system in there, too? What is Pac culture like? Do they celebrate Christmas? Are they from another planet, or merely entities living on another spiritual plane parallel to ours? Do they have religion? What is their economy based on? Have they harnessed the power of the atom? Are they an agricultural people? WHAT?!

Or, am I the one who’s being played? Is there a Pac-Guy somewhere in some other universe who’s standing at a video game cabinet, controlling me as I run around through the maze of life?

I don’t know, but I’m going to go dunk my head in a bucket of cold water in the hope that I’ll stop thinking about it.

Also, the graphics are good, so buy this game.

Recommended.