[Warning: The site linked to from this post is NOT safe for work.]

I made a mistake last night.

While reading about the Xbox 360, something for which I recently developed an unhealthy interest, I checked my email when it went bing. The mail that came through should have been caught by my spam filter. I knew this as soon as I saw it, which doesn’t contribute toward an explanation of why it is that I then opened this email.

It was one of those penis-enlargement things we’ve all been getting. I’ve deleted several hundred thousand such emails, but before last night had never taken a look. For all I knew, I was throwing away the opportunity of a lifetime.

One browser session and thirty seconds later told me that I wasn’t actually missing much. At least not from the point of view of becoming a future customer. However, I plan on being a regular visitor to the web site peddling the penis enlargement patches advertised in the email.

The patch itself is pretty cool. You apply it to your “buttocks” fairly regularly, and it contains some very powerful penis-growth-inducing ingredients.

Like menthol.

The results are supposedly permanent (see previous link), and you are advised to stop using the patches once your penis is nine inches long. You can, if you feel that it’s necessary, keep using the patches to grow your penis for the rest of your life, but the site reports nine inches as being the sweet spot.

The jewel of the site, though, is [NSFW – PHOTO WARNING] the customer testimonial section that contains “Real Actual Testimonials received from customers.”

The testimonials are great, but I was wondering why they stopped where they did. If these patches really work, then they must be getting some really interesting customer feedback.

Like, oh?

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Thank you so much for your incredible penis patches! I can drive in the carpool lane now. All I have to do is prop my penis up in the passenger seat, put a hat on it, and away I go. Never mind that I can’t really get out of the car anymore – just getting to finally travel in the carpool lane is enough for me.

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My penis is just ****ing huge, man. Seriously. It’s B – I – G. I’m diggin’ it, but my wife was hoping you could send some vagina-enlargement patches soon since she can no longer accommodate my girth. She says that sex with me is like giving birth to a Volkswagen backwards. AWESOME!!!

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I’m writing to you from prison. Why? Because I used your patches for eighteen months straight, and now my penis is a lethal weapon. I impaled several people with it at a crowded mini-mart in October, and now I’m doing time for manslaughter. I nearly escaped by uncoiling it one night, pushing it through the bars, looping it through the guard’s keys, and bringing them back to my cell, but I got caught when someone tripped on and then noticed my forty-five foot long manhood. It was embarrassing, but I think the guards envy me. Thank you for your truly excellent patches!

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I live in downtown Seattle, and there was a fire in my office building last week. The way out on my floor was blocked, but I saved the day when thirty-seven coworkers climbed three stories down my penis to safety. The mayor got wind of what happened and presented my penis with the key to the city. He also ordered that all firemen use your patches for the betterment of public safety.

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Your patches are TOO good!?!?!!! My penis is so large now that I pass out every time I get an erection. Like last night when I was thinking about Natalie Portman naked. All I heard was the roar of gallons of blood pouring into my flaccid penis, and then nothing – the lights just went out. Yep. That Natalie Portman. She sure is a hot one. I’d really like to – oh, crap – it’s starting to-

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Your penis patches worked so well for me that I bought them for the entire family. That jerk Anderson next door isn’t so smug about his Mercedes anymore – not since we’ve taken to draping our enormous penises over the fence during dinner.

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Not only has your patch made my wife a very happy woman, it has also given me a second income. My penis now works as an emergency speed bump for the Oregon Department of Transportation. They call me whenever there’s an accident and they need a way to slow down traffic in the area. They’re also looking into using my penis as a temporary dam in rural construction areas. I can now satisfy my wife AND I’m wealthy beyond my wildest dreams!!!!!

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Wow. I knew your patches would increase the length and girth of my (formerly) microscopic penis, but I had no idea they’d make me famous, too! My penis is now being listed as a tourist destination in my hometown. They’re building a resort on the north end, and a water park a few miles south of there. It’s a little noisy when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, but even so, there’s still something comforting about knowing that so many people have made my penis a destination for their holidays this year. Thank you, penis patch company!

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I’m sending along a clip from today’s paper. That’s me in the photo, posing with my patch-enhanced penis. You’re probably wondering about everything else – it’s the deep sea camera equipment that they attached to my unit before lowering it to the bottom of the Marianas Trench with help of a crane. Because your patches were so effective, we were able to discover over TWO HUNDRED new breeds of fish, all of which have been named after your fantastic penis growth patches. Way to go!

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And so on.

With that out of the way, I’m going to go get breakfast.

Bye.