I love it when people blame real life violence on video games. It’s like every time some kid grabs another kid’s head and yanks it out of its body, still attached to the spine, someone thinks that it’s just because someone was playing a little too much Mortal Kombat. News flash: people have been yanking heads and spines out of bodies since long before video games existed. It’s even, like, totally mentioned in the bible or something, although the exact location escapes me. If you’re really curious, then I recommend sitting down with a copy, starting at page one, and moving forward sequentially. You’ll get there eventually, and if you don’t, it’s because you didn’t read closely enough, and not because I’m a liar.
This time, the vocal party is one of those stupid modern crime dramas, and the game they’re targeting is Grand Theft Auto. The only nice thing about any of this is that we can at least rest assured the cops aren’t going to suddenly break into song and dance like a bunch of law-enforcing oompa-loompas, as used to be the habit on an earlier, and very failed, crime show.
What’s great is that people point fingers at the occasional bit of ultra-violence, but they completely miss the huge quantity of games that could only be mistaken for violence-inducing media by the shaking, crooked, accusing finger of a Southern Baptist preacher high on PCP and the righteous, energizing joy juice of the Lord.
We never, for example, hear about the dangers of playing too much Super Mario.
Early Friday afternoon, several witnesses watched as an eleven year old boy in a Portland suburb donned a false moustache, adopted a bad Italian accent, and began slamming his head into floating boxes with question marks on them, collecting the various prizes and power-ups that appeared.
Apparently hopped up on some kind of new drug, the boy then went on to viciously attack two sentient mushrooms by leaping fifteen feet in the air and then slamming down on both their heads. The two mushrooms were taken to a local hospital and were listed in critical condition, which we feel is a bit of an understatement considering that they were both dead.
Relatives of the mushrooms were grieving tonight and were joined by hundreds of anonymous mourners who held a midnight vigil near the location where the brutal double murder took place.
“We vow never to let this happen again,” said one young female as a tear glistened on her cheek in the flickering light of her candle.
“We’ve already begun production on preachy bumper stickers and ugly plastic bracelets that people can buy to show their support.”
The boy has since been removed from the custody of his parents and is being monitored on suicide-watch at a mental hospital.
And what about all the aging computer geeks, including myself, who spent hours in front of Zork back in the day?
Twenty-five year old software developer, Steve Metzerskey, went on a violently intimidating rampage on Saturday night, reportedly harassing individuals in a public square by regularly shouting “I AM STANDING IN AN OPEN FIELD WEST OF A WHITE HOUSE” at nobody in particular, but maybe a little too loudly.
One officer Brady responded to several complaints that Metzerskey was disturbing the peace. Upon arriving, Brady assessed the situation and determined that Metzerskey was a clear threat to those around him. He called for backup and was joined by a colleague. The two policemen then flanked Metzerskey in an attempt to contain the situation.
Metzerskey responded by shouting “GO NORTH” over and over again.
It was at that point that officer Brady’s firearm accidentally discharged into Metzerskey’s chest thirty-seven times.
Paramedics were quick to arrive on scene, but could do little to save the belligerent software developer.
“We found pieces of his heart several feet away, but without the whole thing, it’s going to be hard to revive the guy,” said Michael Hopflower, an EMT who was flipping a little strip of meat back and forth between his hands while he talked.
“Accidents happen,” he added with a shrug.
When asked about the malfunctioning firearm, Brady informed us that there was “something or other” wrong with the gun and that it had been relieved of duty.
“It won’t be bothering anybody else again,” Brady said proudly.
Finally, one of the best selling video games in the history of the universe hasn’t been implicated in a single violent crime.
After playing for nineteen hours straight, twelve year old Cindy Bloohithy of Pashugnal, Washington, decided to act out some of what she had seen take place in the popular video game, The Sims.
She began the night by ordering a pizza and then paying for it when it arrived. Next she went on to pour herself a soda and drink the entire glass before going back for seconds.
The night got progressively worse as Cindy, her mind poisoned with the video game images, pet her cat.
“That’s a good kitty,” witnesses report having heard her say.
Then, when it seemed like things couldn’t possibly become more nightmarish, she took a shower.
Finally, and completely out of control, Cindy took a greater than average interest in her family, sitting down and chatting with them for a while.
Police arrived in response to a 911 call, dragged Cindy away, and beat her savagely with large flashlights until she admitted that she learned how to take care of herself, tend to the pet, and be nice to her family from a video game.
If you would like to take part in the class action lawsuit that is being filed on behalf of all the families whose lives have been destroyed by similar stories, then contact the station and we’ll put you in touch with the right people.
For anybody who’s curious, simply being human is typically enough to get started with violence. It doesn’t take a video game (or a CD (or a movie)) to push some people over the edge.
They’re just born strange ‘n goofy in the upstairs regions.