Lowdown

The Xbox 360 is a kick ass piece of kit, but it has some problems.

Actually, the device itself doesn’t have problems. It’s something else, and it rhymes with “bustomer bervice” or “pustomer pervice” or something like that.

OK. The device actually does have a problem, but the problem I encountered might just be something wrong with my machine.

Anyway, read on.

The Hardware

I’m not going to spend a lot of time talking about the hardware. I’ve hit this stage in my life where hardware is advancing too quickly for me to keep up with it, and there’s just too damned much quality stuff out there for me to nitpick.

Bottom line, the box is powerful. It has, like, ten fusion-powered five-hundred jigahertz something or others, and it’s liquid cooled with water diverted from a local river (note that you must live within at least two miles of the nearest river to be able to plug in your 360). It has something like twelve parallel artificially intelligent four-dimensional world-rendering engines built in, and it’s currently responsible for running the entire civilian infrastructures of at least eighteen western nations with more to follow. It also supports time travel with an add-on card.

From what I understand, we (that is: my company) are losing $126 per unit on parts alone. What that translates to after all other expenses have been accounted for is the kind of math that only a 360 could perform (ninety-six trillion times per second, I might add).

The only thing I can really comment on knowledgeably is this: It isn’t a big, ugly box like the first one. Something we’d been missing for years on the PC side of things was the whole “pretty-computers-are-neat” thing. The 360 is a big step in the right direction. It’s compact, nicely shaped, and has a modular design that lets you snap accessories right onto its chassis (or whatever the external box thing in which everything resides is called).

But, as we all know from having watched fantastic hardware come and go over the years, success is about the software.

The Software

When you plug in a legacy Xbox, you’re taken to a greenish screen that lets you do really exciting things like set the time (and date). That’s cool if you happen to live in a world where the space-time continuum is in constant flux (that is, if you live in a Star Trek episode, which most of us don’t), as you could spend most of your time just trying to keep up with the changes. It’d be like a game in itself.

For the rest of us, it was just a boring screen. It didn’t even get interesting until you stuck something in the CD tray (usually a CD, although trying to put a bologna sandwich in the tray would be interesting, too (check your warranty before trying this)).

The 360 is very different in that the “Dashboard” is a beautiful, HD masterpiece of well designed UI. You can watch videos, listen to music, browse around Xbox Live, play with themes, pictures, and other neat things. Something tells me that some of these features might also have been available with the original Xbox, but that stupid green screen never compelled me to explore. I usually did what I could to get rid of it, sometimes resorting to kicking the TV off its stand just so I wouldn’t have to be subjected to its dumb, green stare any longer.

With the 360, as long as I’m online, I can actually entertain myself just by hanging out in the Dashboard. There really is stuff to do. I’ve been downloading movie trailers in 720p, which is a treat. There are also game demos, themes, and other gear available.

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. The proper Xbox Live review is going to come later in the review.

Oh, screw it. I’ll just get to it now.

Xbox Live

The fundamentals of Xbox Live haven’t changed with the 360, but its integration with the console and games is very tight now (as in: I finally understand what I can do with the service). I tried to enjoy Xbox Live when it first went online, but couldn’t. I didn’t like the idea of paying a monthly fee just for the right to connect to other people and play games online. I mean, that’s pretty much all it did (as far as I could tell). I’ve had, and cancelled, three Xbox Live accounts since late 2003. I think I had spent a total of about six hours actually using it, none of them especially memorable.

After doinking around with Live on the 360 (you get a “Silver” membership for free), I decided to upgrade to the “Gold” account. The main difference is that “Gold” lets me play multiplayer games. With Silver, you can rank yourself against other online players in single player games, and you have access to many features of Xbox Live, but you can’t actually get your ass kicked by ten year olds play with other people. I still think it sucks that I have to pay to play with other people, but it’s fairly cheap (around $50 for a year), and it’s totally worth it.

The one problem I’ve had with Xbox Live is customer service. It just plain sucks. In fact, it’s the worst customer service I’ve ever received for any product at any time in any country from any company for any amount of money. I’d rather try to get ninety fraudulent AOL accounts in my name cancelled than have to call Xbox Live support one more time.

To make a long story short, I wanted to get my old gamertag, “Neopoleon,” back. But, I cancelled the account a few months ago after my debit card was stolen, and the tag was tossed into a sort of gamertag purgatory that I didn’t know existed. If you cancel an account, your tag gets sucked back into the system and remains there, encased in a pillar of fire, to be visited only by Dante and Virgil on their wanderings, until such time as judgment has befallen its poor soul and decided whether or not it should be sent back to the land of the living or the great bit bucket in the sky.

I didn’t know this, and neither did any of the CSRs I spoke with. I was juggled around, transferred, dropped, and hung-up on. I was given bad information, support tickets were created, support tickets were lost(!), and a supervisor, at the end of this four day mess, basically told me that I was an idiot for even thinking that it could be done, and that it isn’t his fault his CSRs may have taken me on a wild goose chase that lasted from Thanksgiving until last night.

Sunday was probably the worst of it. It seems we use an offshore call center on Sunday, and the experience was terrible. The connection was bad, rife with loud clicks and hissing, and even without the interference, the CSRs and I wouldn’t have had a hope of understanding each other anyway. They didn’t know what they were doing, didn’t have even the simplest answers, and seemed to freeze every time the conversation moved away from whatever was on the scripts in front of their faces.

I’m not a racist, but we need to rethink this whole offshore call center thing. It might be cheaper, but if customers aren’t getting service, and if they’re getting pissed off, then it might just be better to make Xbox Live support a Monday through Friday affair, keeping it open only when we know that we can do something beneficial.

And that’s enough of that.

My new gamertag, which I had to adopt because I couldn’t get the old one back, is “FlamingTorpedo.” Be sure to add me to your friend list if you’ve got one.

The Games

I was scared when selecting games. I hadn’t read any previews, and pretty much picked a few at random. I bought them in advance, so I wasn't even able to see the boxes. The interesting looking guy at GameStop just read a list, and I said “Yes” to anything that sounded like it might not suck dog balls.

And I did pretty damned well, probably because the launch lineup was much stronger than I was expecting.

 — Perfect Dark Zero [GameSpot Review] — Worth Buying

I liked the title, so I bought it. I had no idea what to expect, except that, as a C# coder, I liked the idea of starting at zero.

Turns out this is one of the hottest launch titles. GameSpot gave it a 9.0, calling it “Superb.”

I’d have to disagree. I think it’s good, and maybe great, but it definitely isn’t superb. It has a lot of polish, and it has a good concept, but it doesn’t quite deliver a nice, cohesive experience. It reminds me a bit of No One Lives Forever, except that I’d rather play NOLF on an old PC than PDZ on a new 360. The atmosphere of PDZ just isn’t right, and the story doesn’t flow.

I’ve also read that it’s a fabulous game with which to show off the 360’s capabilities, but I’d disagree with that as well. The graphics are fine, but the textures are actually of a lower quality than I would have expected, and there are framerate issues in places.

It’s a good game, and it’s very well executed, and it’s a fantastic launch title, but without apologizing for anything, it’s simply above average.

 — Kameo [GameSpot Review] — Your 360 is Worthless Without It

If I were to choose a title with which to show off the 360, this would be it.

It’s just gorgeous in every possible way.

For starters, it looks fantastic. And, no matter how much we all like to talk about how important gameplay is, the reality is that we’re going to first pay attention to how shiny and beautiful something is. It’s like the personality vs. good looks debate. Sure, we’d all be happy dating unattractive people who are brilliant, but you probably won’t approach those people first in a bar. It’s the looks that snare you, and you just pray that brains follow.

In Kameo, brains follow. I hate this word, but the gameplay really is innovative. It’s a third-person mixture of a platform, puzzle, and adventure game. There’s something to satisfy your twitchy finger, your think-meat, and your desire for an immersive world.

In a lot of ways, it feels like a combination of Zelda and Lord of the Rings, but with all the stupid bits taken out. For instance, rather than playing the part of a diminutive boy in green leggings, or a weird dope smoking midget with hairy feet, you get to be this hot young elf girl. And, yeah, maybe it’s a little pathetic to refer to a video game character as “hot,” but until you’ve had a chance to take control of this tarty little muffin with pointy ears and wings, don’t knock it.

I don’t even know why I’m writing any of this. Simply put, if you don’t get this game, you’re a puddinghead.

It didn’t review as well as Perfect Dark Zero, and it has its moments of frustration and strangeness, but overall it’s not just a great game for the 360’s starting lineup, but possibly one of the best and most impressive games I’ve ever played.

 — Project Gotham Racing 3 [GameSpot Review] – Great Xbox Live Experience

I was, to be honest, underwhelmed by PGR3 when I first played it. It was the first 360 game I stuck in the machine, and I didn’t know what to make of it.

Then it grew on me. And then it really grew on me.

The single player game is great, beautiful, blah blah blah, but it shines when hooked up to Xbox Live. The Live support for PGR3 is so well done that it feels like Xbox Live was built for PGR3.

Even in single player mode, as long as you’re hooked up to the rest of the world, you’ll be ranked against other players as you finish events. It has the strange effect of making the game seem much, much larger than it really is (or, perhaps, the disconnected experience makes the game seem much smaller that it really is).

The multiplayer experience itself is perfectly executed. You can get your butt kicked by eight year olds from across the country with no lag, and the VOIP is in good shape. I haven’t heard a stutter since I began, although there have been some problems with echo. Nothing’s perfect, of course, so let it slide.

If you haven’t played anything in the PGR series, then you might be surprised by your first encounter. It’s not an arcade racer like Burnout (which is also fabulous), but rather geared toward a more realistic driving experience. You’re not going to win by gunning it all out through the entire course, or by ramming into other players. To the contrary, bumping other players seems to be considered rude, and you’ll take a lot of flak for it the first few times you do it. After that, you learn to share the road and let better players pass you.

So far, this is the best Xbox Live game I’ve ever played. It takes some getting used to, and the realistic physics engine requires that you actually pay attention to what you’re doing, but it’s a great experience that’s well worth the purchase.

 — Ridge Racer 6 [GameSpot Review] – Lame

It’d be good if it were fun.

Next.

 — Quake 4 [GameSpot Review] – Returned

Quake was the only name I recognized when ordering my first batch of games. I figured that, having released Doom 3 for the Xbox, the people at Id would be able to easily do a fine job of Quake 4 on the 360.

I never got a chance to find out. Before opening the package, I read some reviews, and it seems that the great majority of magazines and players think it’s a bad version that was rushed to market, citing crappy textures and serious frame rate issues.

It’s too bad since I’ve always liked the mindless gameplay of the series, but at $60 a pop, I wasn’t interested enough to try it out. I’ll rent it sometime, but until then I’m not going to waste my time or money.

 — Condemned: Criminal Origins [GameSpot Review] – Creepy | Original | Scary as the Dickens | Creepy | Creepy

Condemned is like no other game I’ve every played.

I’m a little embarrassed to say it, but I’ve hardly been able to play it, and it’s not for lack of desire to do so.

Aydika is in Japan right now, which means that I’m all alone at night, and night happens to be when I kick back and play the 360. The problem is that Condemned has basically just creeped me the hell out, and I can’t play it alone at night.

I thought there was something wrong with me, but then I went and read what other people were saying about it in forums, and it seems I’m not even remotely the only person who feels this way. It’s like the creators found the universal formula for Creepy and released it in digital form.

The premise is simple: you’re a law enforcement guy in the bad part of town in a bad city at a bad time, and you’re hunting down a serial killer. Along the way, you use forensic tools to unravel clues and determine where to go next.

I won’t ruin it for you, but there’s more to the story, and it’s not that simple. It’s eerie. Creepy. Spooky. Scary.

They got the atmosphere perfect. You’ll be walking around alone through dark corridors with a flashlight, and all around you are little creaks and groans. Rats come running out of nowhere, and, when you think you’re finally going to have a nice, relaxing stretch of deserted subway, some crack addict will jump out from behind a pillar and smack you in the face with a pipe.

I’m guessing that some of you probably won’t find this scary. For example, if you have a family, some kids, and a dog or two, you’ll probably never feel the kind of alone that will send shivers up your back while you play. Then again, though, if you have a family, some kids, and a dog constantly tugging at your pants and barking for dinner, then smacking a crazed PCP addict in the jaw with a two-by-four might be just the kind of escapism you’re looking for.

Anyway.

If you read the reviews, you’ll find that people comment on the sound. This is deserved. I’ve never heard sound used so effectively as it is here. Even the silence is creepy.

Graphically, it’s probably one of the best launch titles. With textures for 1080i, it’s a stunner. Lighting is used well, and the right amounts and types of grime cover everything.

I’ll probably never finish this game, but I’ll also never regret having purchased it. It is, to say the least, unique.

Closing Thoughts

I don’t actually have any closing thoughts, but I couldn’t figure out how else to end this post. I suppose one closing comment could be that it sucks that I was supposed to have a 20GB hard drive, but that it’s turned out to be only 13GB. It doesn’t bother me that much, but it does suck.

I’ll probably get over it. Or call pustomer pervice. Or whatever.

Back to the good stuff.

If you want to kick my ass online, remember to add “FlamingTorpedo” as a friend. If you want to play with me or other Neopoleon types, then leave your gamertag in the comments section. Instead of flaming each other here, we can all duke it out online :)

Tah-tah for now, mes amis...