I know that you’ve all been waiting for an opportunity to celebrate my greatness.

Today is the day. Nature, in her Eternal Wisdom, having seen fit to bring my aching body into this world on December the 19th, 1977, set a precedent by which all subsequent occurrences of December 19th would be celebrated.

Days such as today are known as “birthdays.”

And this is mine.

In the past, I’ve looked upon these wretched days through the aspect of an eyeball filled with loathing and contempt (I don’t know what my other eyeball was doing). My mistake was that I viewed the day simply as another mile-marker in my life. Another gumdrop left behind, except that this wasn’t a fairy tale, and I wouldn’t be able to follow the trail back to safety.

This week, I’ve found a new appreciation for my birthday. Rather than simply thinking of it as the rolling over of the odometer of life, I see it as one day of the year, set apart from all the others, during which we may all enjoy how wonderful I am.

It’s something that I do on a daily basis, but my philosophy tells me that birthdays are about sharing – and giving – and that the greatest gift I could give to you on my birthday is an invitation to join in the celebration of myself.

To get things going properly, I wrote a poem this morning about the specialness of this day, and particularly myself (note: this poem is meant to be read ALOUD to your coworkers):

I am so awesome
And so am I
I squirt my birthday juice
In your eye
And you thank me for it
This is my gift
To you
And the world
Amen
Can I get a witness?
I said
Can somebody get me a witness?
Let's all cure herpes together
Let's break all the rules
And make instant pudding
Slowly

I don’t really know what this poem is about. It was mostly stream of consciousness, and it doesn’t usually take long for my thoughts to wander into the areas of God, pudding, and STDs. It’s my birthday, though, and I don’t have to make sense.

In days yonder

One reason it’s taken me so long to come around and understand that my birthday is all about my wonderfulness is that we had a very peculiar way of celebrating it when I was a child.

My mother would come into the dungeon once a year and…

Well, I’ll let the pictures tell you the story.

Yup. Things were different then.

What you can do to help

I’ve already notified my Microsoft cohorts that they can help undo years of mental and emotional abuse wrought by my mother (who meant well) by sending me a lot of money.

Unfortunately, you try to do a good deed by letting your coworkers shed some guilt, and how do they repay you? That’s right – all their checks bounced.

I’m recognizing now that some of you might not have the kind of funds needed to make this birthday as special as you’d like it to be, so I’m extending a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to you on behalf of the Rory and Melinda Blyth Foundation – a charitable organization that I formed out of the goodness of my heart, with the intention of making it possible for me to live like a king until I have enough money to hire an army to enslave you all.

This opportunity, and you should be really excited about this, is the chance to take out an Official Rory Blyth Birthday Loan. The idea is that, if you don’t have the cash in the bank to make this day great for me, then I’ll provide you with a long-term, low interest loan.

To apply, I just need a couple things from you (this is for a simple background check – I’m sure you understand):

– Your full name

– Your address

– Your bank name(s)

– Checking account numbers (with the routing number – you can find this on the bottom of your checks)

– The username/password to your Hotmail account

– Your social security number

– Your passport

– Your birth certificate (not a copy!)

– About 100cc’s of fresh blood (your own)

– A notarized letter imparting me with Power of Attorney on your behalf (I can’t run a credit check without this)

– The keys to your car

– Some kind of collateral (do you have any children?)

And that’s it. I know – it sounds too good to be true, but it isn’t.

Act now, and I’ll send you a free coffee mug (while supplies last).

Farewell

As my final gift to you, I’ve arranged with your boss to give you the day off. No, seriously. We had a nice little chat, and it’s been decided that all employees of your company are allowed to go home early today. And, because it’s my birthday, a day of giving, your boss also says that you can take home whatever you’d like from the office.

I’m also supposed to let you know that the security guards might follow you out, but that’s only because they got the day off, too!

Oh, I’m so happy.

Happy birthday to me.