While I have NO idea what you are talking about with Aydika, I do know relationships are hard...and that I personally cannot forgive all sinners. Pedophiles for example; I don't give a damn about any kind of sinner/sin or former-victim/current-victimizer separation BS in that situation. So, since I highly doubt Aydika is a pedophile, you need to decide how catastrophic of a mistake she made or makes.

If this is just a this-female-is-having-more-emotions-than-my-manly-self-wants-to-deal-with stuff, then, well, you can always go gay as others have suggested you might be. I, however, don't think you are because the gay men I have known are WAY bigger drama queens that any woman I have known. it sounds like you don't find the drama thing very appealing (oh wait I just looked back at some of your other posts. Let me clarify) in other people. :) Take care of yourself sweetie.

Ammiss -

"While I have NO idea what you are talking about with Aydika, I do know relationships are hard..."

Yeah. And some relationships are *over* :)

I'm just trying to make quick work of what would otherwise be a long story.

Truth is, we were both in weird places, and we both finally just ran out of the kind of energy you need to keep a relationship going when it seems like it *really* just wants to crawl in the corner, die, and then smell bad (in that order).

I actually think she's a good person (if a little difficult) - the sinner thing is a bit of a joke - but we aren't really fit for each other, so that's that.

The other thing I didn't talk about in the post is that I'm planning on going monk for six months to ensure I don't go rushing into anything again. I need to be a bit more responsible about things, you know?

Anyway, I feel demmed good, and I think she's satisfied with the outcome as well, so that's what's important :)

I'm glad to hear you feel good about the situation. I am sorry for any pain you had to go through. I tried to do the monk thing after my divorce...um, didn't work out too well for me; couldn't stand the celibacy and then ended up dating this great guy that I can't seem to get rid of. lol.

Besides, responsibility shponsibility (whatever)! I say it's time to have some fun! Then do the monk thing for a while. You only live life once ...well, considering I am currently visiting a Buddhist country, I am keenly aware that the idea that we only live once may not be exactly correct, but we only remember the life we are currently living, so enjoy (without hurting others, of course)!

BTW, if you need a shelf...er...shoulder to cry on, let me know. ;)

Going monk? D@mn dude f#ck that sh!t! Don't let a girl get you down. Look at all the good things in your life: nice car, great job, Katherine Hepburn movies, etc. I will e-mail you a private response but my opinion public and private is grab life by the balls don't let it grab you by yours.

Andy -

I know it's a bit of a shock :)

My reason for going monk isn't actually a reaction to anything - I'm not down at all. Contrary to what you might expect, my mood has been pretty spectacular.

There are a few moments here and there where I get a little down, but that's to be expected. Anytime something doesn't work out, and whenever a relationship ends - no matter what the circumstances - it's normal to be sad about it.

However, the good mood has greatly outweighed the bad mood.

But, to get back to the monk thing - I want to have a good six months during which I'm not distracted by chasing after some female. I just turned twenty-eight, and I realized that I've only been single for a total of about a year in my twenties. I think some time alone would be a very good thing.

That isn't to say that I wouldn't hook up with someone if the conditions were right - I would - but the conditions would have to be *very* right.

For the next six months, I'm just going to try to be myself, without dedicating a large portion of my mental resources to dealing with the opposite sex.

I really, really need the break...

I agree with the going monk thing, and decided to do the same thing myself after a very recent and painful break up.

As of last week, I've been making myself tell pretty much everyone I know, and am meeting, that this is my situation so I don't run the risk of creating more destructive situations.

Old patterns die hard, but once you manage to dig the knife in and get past the initial convulsions, the struggle becomes much more peaceful.

I'm amazed at how much *less* stressful and awkward relations become when you just come out and say, "I am not considering, or allowing myself to consider, dating for a good while and here's why: [long exhausting explaination]. I have a back-up system to keep me in line which involves [X Method/Support system]."

The long explanation alone tends to scare off the panty-sniffers (this is a new term someone taught me for the guys that pretend to be okay with "being friends" with the real intention of gaining access to the emotionally sensitive, fragile, nether-regions).

I don't know if you deal with this Rory, but I would like to take this opportunity to make an announcement:

Dear Men: The single most irritating thing to a woman with half and brain and some experience is a man who thinks he can "Get In" by affecting the faux laid-back, independant, understanding friend. I've only recently gained half a brain, but I can assure you it rarely does anything but make you look like an idiot, and I represent a good portion of the female population in saying this.

Am I into good company once in a while? Do I think it's healthy to take what I've learned and keep living, to make friends? Yes, but no panty-sniffers please. Abrasive as it sounds, I've discovered that what makes everything more natural is to say something along the lines of, "No panty sniffing, please." Or some such variation.

Anyway, I respect the way you seem to be looking at the situation now, and am glad to hear you're feeling "demmed good."

X-GC -

"I agree with the going monk thing, and decided to do the same thing myself after a very recent and painful break up."

For you, I think it would actually be going "nun" :)

"Old patterns die hard, but once you manage to dig the knife in and get past the initial convulsions, the struggle becomes much more peaceful."

That's my experience, too. There are bits that I miss, but I'm also glad to be on my own. I was resistant to the idea at first, and then not, and then I was, and then I wasn't, and now I'm settling in. Any change takes time, I suppose. I was going crazy in the relationship, and so was the other party - tough as these changes can be, they're for the best.

"The long explanation alone tends to scare off the panty-sniffers (this is a new term someone taught me for the guys that pretend to be okay with "being friends" with the real intention of gaining access to the emotionally sensitive, fragile, nether-regions)."

That's a creepy term. Like, seriously way creepy.

In the relationship I've been talking about, there was actually some discussion of meeting up as friends some time in the near future, but it started to seem like crazy talk as Aydika and I came closer to meeting up.

I realized that, with only a couple weeks between us (I didn't write about it, but we actually broke up a few days before my birthday), there was no possible way to "just be friends". We talked it over, and things quickly went south. And so it goes.

With my other ex - some of you (if any of you are actually reading this) might remember Kori - we became friends again *months* after breaking up, and it was still really weird at first, so I can relate to this panty-sniffer thing. I just recently avoided being one (that is, if I had gone forward with this friendly meeting, I don't see how it could have been accomplished without any panty-sniffing).

*God* that's a gross term.

"I don't know if you deal with this Rory"

I don't.

Men don't wear panties (for the most part (well, sometimes on special occasions)), so we don't have to worry about people trying to sniff them.

Seriously. That term is whacked. I don't like the word "panty", and the term "panty sniffer" is a bajillion times worse.

But I guess it also puts the offending panty-sniffer in an appropriately poor light.

Oh, fucking hell.

I just realized what "X-CG" stands for.

Move along, people.

Nothing to see here.

Ha Ha Ha. Gotcha.

To the commenters who worry about Rory's 6-month monk-hood: Isn't it pretty clear that the guy just wants to play his xbox in peace for a while?

Little bit of advice, which of course should always be taken with a huge chunk of salt.

You’re a good writer, lots of fun to read, and writing about your life makes it real. It’s clear sometimes you use this platform as pseudo therapy, which maybe helps you deal and I’m guessing that’s why 85% of the blogs exist today, I get that aspect. I’m also sure you’ve been censoring a lot lately due to your relationship.

You wrote once about bridal magazines and your take on the engagement and then you never wrote about it again. I though then there was probably tension. Relationships are hard, they become impossible when you share them with the world.

Nothing worse then falling in love and wanting to share it with the world, only to find out that you have to tell the world it didn’t work out. No one likes having to explain why it didn’t work, truth is everyone knows why, it’s always the same no matter who you are. You have two different lives you are trying to merge into one, and sometimes you can make that transition more often you can’t. People have different ideas of what life should be about, and no matter how you try or how much you love someone you can’t force a square peg into a round hole, you can’t will it either.

In my opinion, (again it’s probably not worth the energy used to create the pixels) when writing for general consumption of the masses via blog-o-world, turn the little crap of life into big things, and write about that, try to stay clear of broadcasting the bigger things. You end up with everyone and their pet Iguana giving you advice (case in point:) ). Problem is too much advice becomes overload if you listen to it, and no matter what you do after that point, people in your personal life will accuse you of paying too much attention to anonymous readers playing dime store psychotherapists.

You’ve had a very turbulent time as of late between a complete job change, the rise and fall of a relationship, and all the medical issues, taking some time for yourself is probably a really good idea. Re-ground yourself, get back to basics, do what it is that makes you - you. I wouldn’t go so far as to go monk for 6 months; I’m not a big fan of celibacy but I think you’re on the right path.

Now can we get a cartoon explaining why every application I put on my computer feels the need to put itself into my startup so I then have to go into system configuration utility and uncheck it? The Quicktime people are really looking for an ass-beating on this subject.

Dude even I got the X-CG and I'm dense like heavy water. Heh your response was cute though.

dn -

Writing on my phone right now, so I can't quote individual bits of your response (too bad since it was nice and thought out - thanks :) ).

To sum things up, and also to make it easier for me to respond on this tiny screen, it was mainly my problems with depression that prompted me to keep my private life private. Looking back on my posts, I think I sometimes shared a bit too much. It was helpful for some people - I still get regular email from people who read my ssri withdrawal post - but it isn't something I think I'd want to write about again. Just didn't feel good.

My reasons for keeping the relationship more or less private is that the most common response to a breakup is one of concerned sympathy. Right now, I really do feel pretty good, and I'm trying to avoid as much concern from others as possible. Partly because I don't need it, but also because it gets tiring explaining that things are actually going pretty well in spite of how they might look on paper.

Also, there's the fact that Aydika and I got engaged... and then engaged... and then engaged... and then engaged...

It got kind of ridiculous. If I had posted about each of those, it would have driven everybody nuts :)

I wanted to keep it private as well because I really just wanted to work things out quietly.

Anyway, it's been done.

As for the six months of celibacy - it's really the only way I'll be able to keep myself from getting into another relationship. I've always wanted to be one of these people who could get a little somethin'-somethin' every now and then and not worry about it, but physical relations are completely tied to emotions on my planet. In other words, I don't get physically engaged unless I'm emotionally interested as well. Hence the physical isolation.

I think it'll be good for me, but if by the third week I decide it sucks, I'll lighten up on the six month goal. It's just a starting point...

Andy -

My mistake was seeing the "X" and the "G" and automatically thinking "Ex-Girlfriend" - I didn't even see the "C" until later. Then I put it together.

Plus, she called me "Rory" - she doesn't usually do that. Kind of threw me off.

Anyway... :)

Rory--
Some of us 'dense' people don't get the meaning of the X-CG thing. Is it an inside joke? If not, would you explain it to us? We really enjoy your postings!!

Strange... how come no-one has commented on the "coincidental" concurrency of your gay-tinted gifts and your break-up with your girlfriend? Well, now someone has :P

Unless... that's because it's in poor taste? Oh shoot. Sorry about that.

Confused Rory Blog Fans -

"X-CG" stands for "Ex China Girl".

I used to call Aydika "China Girl" - as a sort of faux-misunderstanding of her true ethnicity (half Japanese), and because of this character she slips into that's just ridiculously hilarious. It's her angry, very Asian alter-ego.

That probably doesn't make much sense, but trying to explain relationship pet names never does.

punk programmer -

"Strange... how come no-one has commented on the "coincidental" concurrency of your gay-tinted gifts and your break-up with your girlfriend? Well, now someone has :P"

I was surprised, too.

"Unless... that's because it's in poor taste? Oh shoot. Sorry about that."

Yeah - because I've *never* written anything in poor taste here :)

Great, so now I'm humming Bowies 'China girl'!

The only upside is its slowly replacing the ringing in my ears.I've spent the last 2 hours stood next to a mainframe and dammit they're loud.

Btw, I'd assumed the C for was 'Current' when I first saw the post.
I'd say it was a shame that you didn't make the connection but your follow up comment, a whole minute later, was wonderful.

At least for me ;-)

How come X-CG in my mind quickly and clearly translated into X-Call Girl? Perhaps it was the panty-sniffing bit. But then again, it may have been just me.

Do monks whack it? Can they be married? If so then I've been 'doing the monk thing' for years