Neopoleon.com End User License Agreement

Statement of Paranoia

If you are reading this, then you are the sort of person who reads EULA’s. You are most likely wearing a tinfoil hat that you think will protect you from the probing energies of our sub-orbital mind crystals. You couldn’t be wronger. We are currently downloading your thoughts into a CONSCIOUSNESS ION. To rub it in, it’s not even a very big CONSCIOUSNESS ION. We’re even thinking about sticking somebody else in there with you. If your CONSCIOUSNESS ION could be represented on our physical astral plane, it wouldn’t even be as big as ONE LEAF in the IMMENSE gaming world of The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. That’s how small your CONSCIOUSNESS ION is.

Notification of Facts Pursuant

By reading this agreement, you hereby implicitly agree to our terms. If you are no longer reading, then you have given up your right to choose, and are therefore implicitly in agreement regardless.

If you agree with these terms, then continue reading. If you do not agree with these terms, then you didn’t understand the last paragraph. Re-read it until you agree with these terms.

Intention of Disconsotution

This document is legally binding throughout the United Territories and Federations of the Abysmal Void (do not confuse the United Territories and Federations of the Abysmal Void with Jeffrey Fingerton’s hardcore metal band in Madison, Wisconsin by the same name).

To be relinquished of your obligational duties to the United Territories and Federations of the Abysmal Void, and therefore to the terms and statements put forth legally in this hereinly legalant document, you must imagine your mother naked for one minute. If you refusedly avoid imagining your naked mother, then you agree explicitly to be boundedly legalized by the words set forth nowly. If at this time you are unable to imagine your mother naked due to religious or medical reasons, then you may, according to UTaFotAV Ordinal Law 511.a-9, imagine Michael Jackson naked for three minutes with your mother’s head grafted to his left leg. If you survive the actions statedly made imperatively by UTaFotAV Ordinal Law 511.a-9, then you may no longer consider yourself a member of the United Territories and Federations of the Abysmal Void and must hereby relinquish your masturbation license immediately.

Consortation of Rights and Fidelities

It is a legal abstrucense to attempt to remove your UTaFotAV Nano Throat Rod. If at any time during LEGALANT interaction with protected materials your UTaFotAV Nano Throat Rod should be dislodged, it is to be replaced without hesitation according to the methods set forth in the UTaFotAV FAQ, Chapter 9,441, Subsection 91, entitled “Automatic Restoration of Your UTaFotAV Nano Throat Rod Using Orange Mind Beetles.” This may be done with or without musical accompaniment. However, if musical accompaniment is utilitized, Soul Dancing is compulsory. Failure to Soul Dance while restoring a UTaFotAV Nano Throat Rod using Orange Mind Beetles to musical accompaniment will result in immediate suspension of your drug passport.

Closing Dictatorial Nubiances

According to the legalescent treatises established in the galactically relevant case, “Easter Bunny vs. The Loch Ness Monster vs. Mothra,” the UTaFotAV owns your body outright, but you may rent your body from the UTaFotAV for up to 12% of the standard pulse-year, provided you do not at any time disconnect the official UTaFotAV body-liquid-pump from your dominant nipple. Under such conditions, your body may be used for personal reasons UP AND UNTIL SO FORTH at such time the Emperor Grand Chancellor of All reneeds your body for clonal rematerialization.

You may now use this web site without fear of legal repurcussities.