I recently saw that my friend and co-worker, Joe Stagner, posted his resume online.

This is something Joe does every now and then for kicks. I’m doing it today because, to put it simply, I’m looking for a new job. I’ve had it with Microsoft. The high pay, the good vacation time, and the health benefits are all starting to really PISS ME OFF.

My Objective

To find and secure an easy, low-visibility position at a company where I can just sit and work on one of the two novels I outlined with my co-author last month. I want to make $1,000,000.00 a year, and, in addition to a parking spot, I also want a heliport. This is non-negotiable.

Having motivational posters made of myself hanging from a tree with the words “HANG IN THERE OR GET YOUR ASS FIRED YOU LAZY SONOFABITCH!” would be a bonus, but is not a requirement.

Also, if you could put a meth stand next to the cooler, that’d be neat, too. Otherwise, I’ll just keep doing meth in my office. Your choice, but I think I’m worth it. Just keep in mind that one of the main reasons I’m leaving Microsoft is that they refuse to let their employees do meth. It’s so stupid.

Chief Abilities

    – In two short years, I’ve managed to reduce my pool of friends from nearly thirty down to two. One of them is my mother.

    – As a natural born leader, I can take your whole company downhill at once instead of doing it piecemeal through a bunch of individual contributors.

    – I hate listening to crying babies on airplanes.

    – I have a headache right now.

Educational Experience

    – Serial dropout – I’ve never finished attending any single school.

    – Nearly didn’t pass the fifth grade. Only made it because my homeroom teacher passed me so that she’d never have to see me again. In retrospect, it seems that setting her hair on fire halfway through the year was a good idea, unlike what the “authorities” told me.

    – Dropped out of high school with a .86 GPA.

    – Left community college because my speed-reading teacher shaved his beard over the weekend, and I didn’t like his newly-revealed clammy upper lip.

    – Was accepted into one of the nation’s top colleges. Left when they wouldn’t let me major in giving people chlamydia.

Work Experience (highlights)

    – At the age of nine, made tens of dollars selling blank diskettes at a high mark-up to my school chums, Wade Grodem and Cameron Stuart, who, apparently, didn’t fully comprehend the meaning of the word “blank.”

    – At thirteen, I learned to use my 2400 BAUD modem to download pornography. I placed this porn on disks and sold it to my friends. The IRS still has no idea how much money I made.

    – After dropping out of high school at sixteen, I went to work in a warehouse where my primary responsibility was knowing the alphabet in at least one direction. Sobriety was not a requirement, but I’m an over-achiever and only showed up for work drunk on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Left the company because they refused to give me a twenty-five cent an hour raise. This is after I washed my shirt, so I don’t know what their god damned problem was.

    – Almost got to be an astronaut for two private aerospace companies. Was denied at the last minute on the grounds that a “mentally challenged grape” could do the job better than me.

    – Based on prior experience (which speaks for itself), secured a position at Microsoft that combined all of my previously acquired skills. Have since excelled at doing some of my work. I also won the “GQ Award For Best-Dressed Male” last year at a company party where there were nachos.

Certifications and Accreditations

    – I have an officially issued passport for the United States of America. It is currently for sale to the highest bidder.

    – I have an Oregon state driver’s license. There are many highway patrol officers who would back this up in a court of law. Being on a first-name basis with Portland’s primary traffic violation judge, I can get whatever documentary evidence you might require as proof.

    – I lost about twenty coloring contests before the age of ten, so I don’t actually have any certificates that show I’m awesome, but I did get an “Everybody’s a Winner” sticker, which I fed to my dog to see what it would look like when he pooped it out. I had to rub it in bacon grease first, though, because he didn’t want to eat the sticker plain, but after I did that, he ate the sticker, and I think he wanted another one. I would have fed him another one, but this was an EXPERIMENT OF SCIENCE and not a dog party.

Items of Note

    – I am detail oriented. If I see you go poop in a bathroom and then not wash your hands afterward, I’ll notice, and then I’ll avoid touching anything I see you touch. If I have to touch anything you touch after you’ve gotten your feces all over it, I’ll do so with a tissue. You’re an asshole.

    – There is no longer a warrant for my arrest in Clackamas County.

    – I have incredible interpersonal skills, and have been told by all my managers that the other employees are scared of me because I’m so effing macho. My chest hair has its own chest hair, and I can flex my ankles. If that isn’t badass, then I don’t know what is.

    – When things aren’t going my way, I shoot people until they are.

In Summary

Like I was saying earlier, you should hire me because I want to make a lot of money for doing things that interest me personally, and also because I want that helipad.

If you don’t hire me, then I’ll sue you and tell everybody that your company is stupid and that all it does is sell illegal dwarf-juice.

[Note: While this post is clearly a joke, some of the items on my resume are real. I wonder how many you can spot…]