After posting my resume, I started to wonder about all the areas I could go into at this stage in my life.

I mean, I have the following bad ass skills:

1. I can code in C# and VB.NET and I can complain about doing it in Java

2. In an office environment, I can personally handle all necessary procrastination, freeing the other employees to actually work (see – by hiring me to be lazy, you actually get a better deal – it’s sort of a complicated idea that I call “Successitivity Through Empoweridlement” that will be treated in several chapters of my upcoming business self-help book for confused managers, where it will be explained in more detail sometime in the near future)

These are probably my two strongest points, and they led me to the obvious conclusion that I should be a LIFE COACH.

I keep hearing about these people, and I don’t know what in the hell they do, but I know that I’d be the best ever at it, and I want to be yours.

First off, before you get all excited, my fees are rather steep, and I don’t take credit cards because I don’t know how and that would require learning something new, and that’s not part of my modus operandi. At the age of twenty-eight, I feel that I’ve learned absolutely everything I will ever need to know, and whenever I find a gap in my knowledge where, for example, you might get the upper-hand in an argument, I’ll just make things up and yell at you until you believe that you were mistaken not only to have contradicted me initially, but simply to have even been born in the first place. Tears are usually involved, and they sure as hell aren’t mine.

Anyway, back to this life coach stuff.

Since I don’t know what they do, I guess I’m kind of free to come up with whatever I want to define their activities, and I’ve decided that a life coach:

1. Tells you what to do

2. Tells you what to think about yourself

3. Tries to destroy your self-esteem so that you feel even worse about yourself and recognize, more than ever, the need for a life coach

It’s sort of like a cross between psychotherapy and Scientology, but it’s neither – it’s life coaching, and you don’t know anything about it, and I do, ‘cause I’m an expert, and, like I said before, I’m going to be yours (if you’re rich, that is – I’m not life coaching poor people – I wish they’d just go away or stop being poor or whatever, ‘cause all their tales of hunger and hardship really spoil my sunny days).

Here’s some demos of how I think I could work out as your life-coach.

For the Man In Need of Love

For the Man In Need of Professional Satisfaction

For the Woman In Need of Truth

I know, I know. It's a gift, my ability to find inspiration where others would falter and come up empty.

But that’s why I need to be a life coach.

Your life coach.

Let me know what you want me to start.