Well. It’s some very late hour of the night, and I can’t sleep in spite of having taken two kinds of prescription sleeping pills, and that’s it – I’m making it a rule now: NO MORE COCAINE AT BEDTIME. None. Nada. Period. It really seems to interfere with my sleep pattern.

Kidding aside (you didn’t really think I was going to stop doing coke at bedtime, did you?), the sleeping pills have messed up my coordination enough that I just got up to pee and ran my face into the bathroom door. Not my body. Just the face. The rest of my body is OK, but the whole of my face is in pain. Almost as though a door just ran into it. It’s weird (but don’t worry, ladies – the visage is still intact and beautiful for The Big Day, so keep it cool, my little honey-bunnies).

Anyway, rather than lie in bed and wonder why modern science can’t develop a pill that will knock me out, even when I take two different kinds in doses that go well beyond those suggested by the pharmacy printed literature, I’ve decided to do something that I haven’t done in a long time: I’m going to respond to spam.

I got a particularly charming one tonight from someone who titled his email “I AM IN HONGKONG.”

Hell. I know quite a few people around the world nowadays, and you never know when one of them might be IN HONGKONG, so I decided to read it. The rest… well, the rest is what, in the absence of actually producing sleep, sleeping pills do to your brain when it should be resting.

Plus, I just couldn’t help myself.

Dear Sir,

Hi.

My name is MR MIKOSHIBA KIYOHIKO…

My name is RORY. Ha-ha. We have different names. I hope we have fun conversation like this when you come to my country to meet me.

…a contractor from JAPAN.

WOWZERS.

The statistics shows that the Economy of your country is getting better and will be more profitable in few years to come.

I don't mean to sound skeptical, Mr. Kiyohiko, especially given your reliable credentials as a highly prized contractor in the nation of the Japan, but where exactly did you get these statistics?

I'm just wondering, 'cause most of my friends are poor, and they're always like, "Can I have money or a sandwich or something please?" and I'm like, "No."

I am interested to invest in your country through you.

Perfect! That's just perfect, because it just so happens that I...

AM...

AMERICA COMPANY!

Yeah. That's right. I'm AMERICA COMPANY. Anytime anybody invests in my country, it's through my company, AMERICA COMPANY, which you probably know quite well given that you're so interested in working with it.

As CEO of AMERICA COMPANY, it's my duty to ensure that the AMERICA COMPANY continues to make money for America both by investments from affluent individuals such as yourself, and also by exploring any new and seemingly promising areas of fiduciarily opportuning enhancementnents.

I can't wait to see what you have in store for us!

I am now in HONG KONG…

I'm in PORTLAND. Your home is like my home, with the only major difference being that if even only 1 out of 1,000 of your fellow citizens actually paid for their copies of Microsoft Windows, my stock would quintuple in value, I'd sell it off, and then I'd quit the company to go buy an island in the South Pacific.

Anyway, we can discuss details like that later on. For now, let's see what you have to offer AMERICA COMPANY!

...with the Sum of US$8,500,000.00 Dollars which I would like to invest in your country if possible?

Holy SMOKES! Possible? Hell, yeah, brother - it's possible.

In fact, why don't you just jam that US $8,500,000.00 into my PayPal account (hey – this link actually works – you can send me money) so that I can immediately apply it to important AMERICA-ENHANCING programs like LOWER TAXATION FOR SUV OWNERS WHO ONLY USE THEM TO DRIVE TO THE STORE TO BUY A SIX PACK OF DIET-RITE TO WASH DOWN THEIR DEEP-FRIED RANCH-DRESSING-DONUT-CAKES.

With your contribution of $8,500,000.00 to AMERICA COMPANY, maybe we finally can make this the land of the free and the home of the brave...

...and the rich. Yee-haw! It's going to be the late 90's all over again. I can feel it in my blood. Let's make some money, you and me, Kiyohiko. Woo-hoo!

I made this money through a contract awarded to me in OSAKA by the ministry during the relocation of OSAKA AIRPORT and I am not safe if go back to Japan because I did not finish the contract.

Not safe?

So, like, if you don't finish a contract in Japan, then, what? They kill you? Chop one of your fingers off? I saw Black Rain, and that was some crazy ass sh*t, yo, but seriously, dawgg - you can come stay with me and I’ll protect you with guns - ALL EXPENSES PAID BY THE AMERICA COMPANY!

Also, what does it mean when you don’t finish a contract to “relocate” an airport? Did you, like, move it a few inches over to the left and then stop? Or did you just move the bathrooms? I want to know. I’m just curious, that’s all.

I hope you can understand my situation and assist me to invest this money properly as this is my only hope.

Oh, I totally understand the situation:

- You were hired to do a job

- You were paid in advance

- You didn't finish

- Now Japanese people want to kill you

Don't worry. I've totally dealt with situations like this before. I'll keep it hush-hush. If anything, I'm known as someone who is very discreet. I’ll just keep this between you, me, and the 45,000 people a month who visit my site.

Please kindly get back to me as soon as possible.

Consider it a deal, friend.

Best regards,

MR MIKOSHIBA KIYOHIKO

Likewise,

MR. RORY BLYTH

P.S.

Don’t forget to send AMERICA COMPANY a lot of money.