I believe you may be able to find the penguins you are looking for here:

http://www.kellytarltons.co.nz/home/

This fine establishment offers a range of penguins (of all shapes and sizes) for all your penguiny needs.

Apply within for shipping/handling details.

Best wishes,
Tom

I have sampled their penguins and I'm sorry to say they're just not trained enough. I have a few that are currently being prepped for a plot to take over the wor-, er a small backyard party. I would be happy to consider lending them to you, except some of your guests might turn up at the bottom of an ice sculpture. Having said that, perhaps that meets an unspoken need.

As to the money... I have some friends. They might be willing to take broken limbs in advance as payment. Just calf Ralf, tell him Gerber sent you.

Please note that my penguins have never been genetically altererd, or fed any hamstercaine or even penstacy. No added preservatives or colours. These are 100% natural killer penguins.

The reason the Kelly Tarltons Penguins appear not to be trained enough is because they are not really penguins. I shouldn't reveal this... but what the hey... They are midg- err.. "little people" in Penguin suits. (Hence NZ's low unemployment rate). I caught one of them the other day leaning on a post outside the aquarium having a smoko break. Funniest thing... anyhow.. According to Buster, (the 45yo little person in the penguin suit), they also use 5yo children during the peak school holiday periods.

Training of these children to meet the challenges of true penguinity is problematic at best... and as Buster said, the little people are only in it for the money and don't 'embrace' the role and become as one with the penguin. I mean, why should they.. it's only a matter of time before "midget throwing" is made an Olympic Sport, and then.. whoa.. watch that moola roll in. Buster believes he can get $30k advertising per square inch for his lycra throwing suit from interested parties... but I digress...

For truly talented, well trained penguins, I believe the Fairy Penguins of Philip Island are what you need. They have been putting on their show at a sunset each evening for as long as I've been alive and never miss a performance. True professionals. Serving a few drinks shouldn't be a problem.

http://www.penguins.org.au/index.asp?pg=183

As for the $70K, I can't help you, except I do have this email from a fellow in Nigeria who wants some help to secure 2.5 mill from some Government contract that went belly up. Seems like a nice chap.. very friendly and generous too it seems. If you like I will pass on your email address to him. Let me know.. but keep it quiet ok? We don't want everyone getting in on it.

It appears the reviews for Kelly's Penguins are mixed. The revelation that they employ penguin impersonators is admittedly shocking.

I conducted some small research into the training of penguins, and there seems to be some interest in their development as. erm. supersonic missile carriers.

The obstacle of their flightlessness is brushed aside by the ease with which they fit into large catapults.

See:
http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Supersonic_20Penguins

for more information.

The small stature of the Philip Island staff suggest to me that they may be, in fact, cats. Which just goes to show how hard it is to find good help. Outsourcing now breaches species barriers it seems.

Also, how would you take drinks from waiters waddling around your kneecaps? Would you even hear their inquisitive chirrups? They couldn't carry more than a canape or two.

Food for thought.

hmmm i'm sure i've heard of such a request before.... ah yes. from a certain mr The Pengiun. somthing about an arch-enemy, and being mayor of Gothum.

Let us know if you need any pengiun mounted rocket lauchers, eh rowrie?

what happened to your relationship with MR MIKOSHIBA KIYOHIKO?
http://neopoleon.com/blog/posts/18480.aspx

I believe that this site has some penguins for sale, but no mention of being able to hire them for a function. http://www.hockeybrain.com/?q=node/795
It appears that you have to go to Pittsburgh to pick them up. I don't see any delivery information.

Unfortunately it looks like penguinwarehouse.com has gone out of business... Too bad, it had a good review http://www.fourleggedlinks.com/fun-games/penguins-for-sale-shipping-handling-extra/ , but it appears to have gone belly up. Those penguins were a nice height for drink waitering.. balance a tray on their head and Bobs-your-uncle. Much better than the PI Penguins.

On that note... Tom, I take your point re PI Penguins stature, but I have some doubts as to whether they really are cats -
1) Cats tend to shy away from water.
2) Have you ever tried to get a cat into a penguin suit?
3) Have you ever tried to get a cat to do anything?

I believe further investigation is required.

rowrie, what about an auk or two?

see half way down:
http://www.penguin-place.com/post/index18.html

what about volunteering at your local zoo, or aquarium?

hmm Pengiuns by Mail Order:
http://www.adelie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Collectibles/mail_order.htm

Apparently it is very hard to train penguins to serve drinks. Although they are very good at asking "Would you like ice with that?".

Tom -

"I believe you may be able to find the penguins you are looking for here:

http://www.kellytarltons.co.nz/home/"

I know I wasn't clear about this, but I actually have two (2) requirements about my penguin source:

1. I don't want to have to steal them - I'd prefer to hire three penguins for one (exciting) night.

2. If I'm going to steal them, I'm sure as hell not flying all the way out to New Zealand to do it.

Yeah. Aside from that, your suggestion was perfect.

PatrickQG -

"Please note that my penguins have never been genetically altererd, or fed any hamstercaine or even penstacy. No added preservatives or colours. These are 100% natural killer penguins."

Thanks.

I'm really excited about your offer - especially the "100% natural killer penguins" part.

Because I obviously WANT THE PENGUINS TO KILL MY GUESTS WITH THEIR BEAKS AND RUIN THE PARTY.

Hey, Patrick - thanks.

Really.

(Next.)

My Dear mrpeabody,

"For truly talented, well trained penguins, I believe the Fairy Penguins of Philip Island are what you need. They have been putting on their show at a sunset each evening for as long as I've been alive and never miss a performance. True professionals. Serving a few drinks shouldn't be a problem.

http://www.penguins.org.au/index.asp?pg=183"

OK. First you need to read what I said about stealing penguins. And then you need to read this sentence. Not the one following it, but the one you're reading right now. This one.

Then you need to be made aware that Australia and New Zealand are very near each other and nowhere near me. Go back and read what I wrote about not wanting to go to New Zealand, and just substitute "Australia" for "New Zealand" in each instance. Then come back and read this sentence. Like the one above, I'm talking about this sentence - this one here - and not the one following it.

Also, I clicked on your precious little link, and it took me to a page where they had an "Adopt a Penguin" thing, and I thought, "OK - I'll adopt three and then return them the next day with the receipt," but you can't do that because someone from your penguin company is running a scam where by "donate" they really mean "lend us money to save the penguins from the humans," and that's about as far from my current goalset as things could get.

Just for everybody's reference, I am NOT:

1. Trying to save the penguins from the humans

2. OK?

I need penguins who have been trained to SERVE DRINKS.

That does NOT, NOT, NOT include:

1. Normal penguins

2. Penguins that are faraway

3. Danny DeVito in that one really fucked-in-the-head Batman movie

Get with the program.

Oh, and THANKS.

For NOTHING.

Tom -

"The obstacle of their flightlessness is brushed aside by the ease with which they fit into large catapults."

Thanks again for chiming in with one of your "brilliant" ideas.

However, I do not intend to serve drinks to my guests by strapping martinis to penguins and then launching the penguins from distant catpults.

That said, I do like the idea of catapults being at the party.

If anybody knows where I can get a catapult, or perhaps a trebuchet, then let me know.

Thanks.

(Except you, Tom - I'm not thanking you - at least not for your penguin-lobbing idea - but I *will* thank you for your catapult idea - but I'm going to take the credit for it - wow, that's a lot of dashes.)

kiwi -

"what happened to your relationship with MR MIKOSHIBA KIYOHIKO?"

Osaka, Japan killed him after he incompletely moved their airport.

A moment of silence, please.

OK. Now go back to what you were doing.

Which may already have been a moment of silence.

Hey - this is getting complicated.

Ha ha.

Ha.


Ha.

kiwi -

"see half way down:
http://www.penguin-place.com/post/index18.html"

No.

NO.

NO, NO, NO!

I don't want PUFFINS. If I wanted PUFFINS, I'd go to the Oregon coast and puffinnap a few. But I don't want PUFFINS. I want PENGUINS.

PENGUINS = What I want

PUFFINS = NO.

Do the math, kiwi.

Do the math.

So there was only one fucked in the head Batman movie? That's a relief, I thought there were several. And as nobody has mentioned it, I was going to send you the $70K but you'll have to wait until my Nigerian friends come through on a little deal I've been working.

You people are all maddd and you make me laugh right out loud!
Thank you
Princess of Virginia Beach

I'm pretty sure that we met some penguins that would be ready and willing to work for a few extra bucks on our ghost hunt a while back. What the heck they were doing practicing a voodoo ritual in the middle of the summer is besides me but I'll give them your contact information.

As for the 70K, I guess I could kidnap someone important and hold them at ransom for the money. Then you and I could have a duel to find out who is more worthy of such a sum. Sound fair? I'll fight with either sai's or a katana...for you...I'm thinking a mace? Or perhaps you'll just use your dropkicking skills.

Tee -

"As for the 70K, I guess I could kidnap someone important and hold them at ransom for the money."

The problem is finding someone who is just *barely* important enough to ransom, because 70k isn't a lot of money when it comes to kidnapping.

You'd have to go for some third-cousin of royalty who's only important because he/she is a pawn in some other wealthy person's game, probably involving a murder and the reading of a will.

I didn't exaplain that very well, but it makes perfect sense in my head.

Point being, you should really go all the way and nab somebody worthwhile - somebody worth a lot more than 70k.

Then I'd be *quite* happy to demonstrate my roundhouse kick abilities, although you might be able to evade my attacks through your gymnastics skills.

We shall see.

Who said anything about killing with their beaks? You seriously underestimate the killing power of my penguins. They do it with their minds, man.

Anyway. I'm sure some deal could be arranged where you get the penguins, take advantage of their advanced mental powers of physical world manipulation to deliver drinks. Either that or you could sell them to raise the capital you desire. Then once you had the money you could "forget" to deliver the penguins, and send them back to me.

Besides, my penguins are conveniently located in sunny (cough) Vancouver, Canada.

Sorry Rory, no pinguins here but I can loan you the 65K at 53.75% APR payable over the next 30 years with a 100K + your soul penalty for early repayment. This way you will only need to ransom the remaining 5k (much easier to do, trust me on this one!)

Piss off