I went out to lunch with a friend today, and she regaled me with the tale of what I think must have been the greatest fight ever fought in the history of human violence and fighting.

Part of the greatness of the story is that she was only in third grade when it happened. For those of you who aren’t fortunate enough to live in the United States of ‘Merica, third grade is where someone is, like, eight or nine years old or something. Or maybe younger. Maybe it’s seven years old. I don’t know, and I don’t remember. But it’s something like that. Basically, if you’re in third grade, then you’re young and your years on this planet are in the single digits. You can’t vote or drive yet. You also can’t drink alcohol. I mean, you can drink alcohol, but you aren’t allowed to. There’s nothing physically stopping you from tipping a bottle of gin to your seven year old mouth – it’s just the law that’s all “Please don’t do that.” You could also drive, actually, if you’re tall enough. You could even drink and then go driving, but it’s illegal because you’re so young. See? What I’m trying to say is that third graders are young. They’re younger than, say, fourth graders, and fourth graders are pretty young. OK? OK.

As you’ve probably figured out from my use of the pronoun “she,” it was a girl fight. No offense to women, or third grade girls or whatever, but you expect a certain something from girl fights. They aren’t like guy fights (or “real” fights, if you will) where people get punched in the face and die. They’re different because you expect girl fights to be all sissy with hair pulling and, if you’re lucky, some biting or something, or one girl throwing her teddy bear at the other girl. Stuff like that. Nobody ever dies, though. It’s just a lot of noise and then it’s over, except that women are genetically designed to hold grudges until they die (this is a scientifically proven fact that’s provable with all kinds of evidence from experts in the field), so there’s the grudge thing, too.

Hair pulling, maybe biting, noise, and then an eternal grudge. That’s a girl fight.

In this fight, though, it was different. My friend, who we’ll call “Burlie” since that’s what she likes people to call her, was getting her hair pulled by this other seven year old girl. And then the other girl, like, bit her or something.

So Burlie, who doesn’t f*** around, and probably while wearing a “My Little Pony” shirt or whatever, grabbed the other girl by the back of her head, and then kneed her right in the face.

That ended the fight pretty quickly. Although she didn’t do it, I think it would have been cool if Burlie had said a cool catch phrase at the end like, “Sorry about that, little girl, but I was all out of teddy bears.” Or “Pick those up – you’ll make a fortune from the Tooth Fairy tonight, you bitch.” That would have been rad.

And then Burlie ran and hid in a tree until school was over so she wouldn’t get in trouble.

Is that awesome or what? Can you imagine a seven year old girl totally kicking another seven year old girl in the face during a girl fight?

I don’t know. Maybe you don’t think that’s cool, ‘cause it’s not very “We Are the World” or anything, but I think it’s pretty cool.

Word, Burlie. You’re a bad-ass mofo.

And you’re all out of teddy bears.