It’s the end of Microsoft’s fiscal year, which means I won’t be doing another MSDN Event for a couple months. This time last year, I was so tired that I almost died of… I don’t know. Death, I guess. And it’s absolutely no different this year.

The big difference between this year and last year is that, this year, our team has been operating on what I like to call “no budget.” What I mean by that is that we don’t have a budget. And, by that, I don’t mean that we have a big pile of cash in a room that we go to every time we need money, and that there’s so much we didn’t need to plan out how we were going to spend it. What I mean by “no budget” is that we don’t have any money.

I don’t think I’m allowed to talk about why we don’t have any money, but if you’ve been to an MSDN Event recently, it’s pretty bloody obvious that we’re lacking fundage. For example, we were so low on cash for the second half of the year that we couldn’t give out pads of paper to the attendees.

Pads of paper. Microsoft probably owns a paper mill somewhere (and all the people working in it), and we couldn’t get any for our audiences.

Are you reading me here?

Paper.

We also haven’t had t-shirts to give out. At each event, I’ve had, like, five. To make up for it, we’ve had each shirt wrapped in a pretty little silver ribbon to make it look like the reason we don’t have as many shirts is that these shirts are much nicer than the old ones and therefore more expensive. I think we’ve fooled a few people, so good for us.

It’s resulted in lowered scores and miffed attendees.

But, the attendees aren’t the only ones getting hit by the Official International Microsoft Events Budget Crisis of 2006.

That’s right. We, the employees, have been hit, too. And that’s a problem. Problems with attendees walk out the door with their sour faces, but a problem with me is a problem that follows me around wherever I go. Like scabies. And I should know. I’ve had scabies. God, I wish my delete button weren’t broken.

This morning, though, my co-worker, Fred, using his Microsoft techie know-how, managed to deal with the budget problem (read: no real food) in an innovative way.

He did this by inventing…

The George Foreman Laptop

Fred wanted to eat today, which seemed a little indulgent to me as the rest of us haven’t eaten in weeks, but whatever. That’s his way. He’s all about Fred. As long as Fred is happy, that’s all that matters. Fred’s a jerk.

Anyway, Fred went and took a bagel FROM THE CUSTOMER BREAKFAST SPREAD (Managers: are you reading this? Fred’s terrible) and decided he wanted to toast it, but, along with our pad-of-paper and t-shirt problems, we don’t have on-site toasters.

But Fred, even though he’s a bastard, is, like, smart, and he figured out that he could warm his bagel by smashing it in his laptop:

Obviously, placement of the bagels is important. Fred placed one bagel over the CPU and the other over the hard drive. If you don’t do it the way Fred did it, then your bagel is going to suck. Do it like Fred. Hey – that could be a bumper sticker.

Before closing the lid (because the lid won’t be completely shut, the screen will still be on, so the top of the bagel gets warmed, too), ensure that placement is ideal. Fred is showing good technique here by copping a last minute feel of THE BAGEL THAT HE STOLE FROM THE MOUTH OF A HUNGRY CUSTOMER.

Finally, use your hand (or Fred’s hand if it’s available, since Fred knows what he’s doing (when it comes to bagel-stealing)) to hold down the screen until the bagel is warmed to a temperature that pleases you. It can take a while if you have your laptop in a power-efficiency mode, so make sure you have your multi-step CPU running at its highest frequency and that the screen brightness is turned all the way up.

What Fred Learned

In the end, Fred got to eat, which is great for him. I’m still looking for a rat I can stab and then nibble on until our new budget gets approved, but that’s just the kind of guy I am. I don’t STEAL BAGELS FROM CUSTOMERS THE WAY FRED DOES. Plus, I don’t really like bagels, which is the main reason I’m not eating one.

The only difference, says Fred, is that he’s going to make sure his laptop is running a Vista beta next time so that he’ll get a little more warmth from the pegged CPU.