I’ve been up all night working on content for various Microsoft projects, so I might be a tad on the completely incoherent side. One of the nice things about my job is that, when I’m not on the road, I have a lot of leeway in the hours I work, and if I want to work from 10:00 AM until 5:00 AM, then I’m bloody well going to do it.

This time, it’s mainly because it’s been fun. A lot of Windows Mobile stuff.

But that’s not the point.

My main Portland office is the Starbucks on Park and Clay. I visit on a regular basis and treat myself to the company of the bariste who offer mochalattefrappuchailitos at prices that have been rising much faster than inflation. It doesn’t affect me, though, because I just buy tea. I’ve outsmarted the system. I pay a mere seven dollars for a cup of hot water and a bag of dried twigs while other poor bastards are paying double that just for three ounces of warm cow-squirtings mixed with the pressings of burnt beans.

But that’s me. Always thinking with the Business Mind. Finding the good deals, dodging the bad ones, and generally pwning.

Today (or, I guess I should say yesterday), Ashley the Barista was all, “Do you golf?”

I punched her in the face. That’s my way of saying, “No. I don’t golf.”

(Aside from my business savvy, I’m also well known for my tact.)

Then she was like, “That’s good, because what we’re going to go do tonight is something golfers would hate, but you’re going to like it.”

I punched her in the face again, but this time it was just a reflex. I apologized.

Trash Golfing

Ashley the Barista doesn’t call it “Trash Golfing,” but she would if she had the knack I have for naming things. Just like my skills with business and tact, naming things is one of those things for which I’m known far and wide. I name all kinds of things. Then, just to show off, I’ll rename things. And then give those things even newer names. I’m rad like that.

Here’s what you need to go Trash Golfing:

1. Ashley the Barista

2. My car

3. Two (2) golf clubs, purchased at the Goodwill for $2 a piece (that adds up to $4 – in addition to business skillz, tact, and naming things, I can add numbers together like I was born with an abacus attached to my pelvis instead of a leg)

4. At least sixty golf balls

5. Stress, anger, and confusion

The last item on the list is what causes you to actually go Trash Golfing. Ashley the Barista and I were both having bad days, and we wanted to hit things with other things. The solution, and this is genius, was to hit golf balls with golf clubs. Neither of us golf, though, so we drove out to the middle of nowhere, took aim at the wilderness, and let slip a thwacking fury the likes of which Nature had never seen. When we left, I swear the trees were crying, the rocks were sobbing, and the fish were packing their bags for greener pastures (which would kill them since fish don’t live in pastures – stupid fish).

The reason it’s called “Trash Golfing” is that, when you finally pull over in what looks like a nicely secluded spot next to the river you’re planning on attacking with your balls, you find that someone else was there before you, and he forgot to put litter in its place. It also looks like he did it more than once. I mean, the ground was covered with broken glass, Styrofoam containers, nails, boards, and other things that pissed us off since we were planning on being the first to violate that virgin soil with our own mess.

What I Learned

Trash Golfing is awesome, and it’s cheaper than seeing a shrink. It’s also more dangerous (especially if you’re with Ashley the Barista) because, if you don’t know how to golf, it turns out that it’s really scary when you thwack a ball at a tree and the ball comes flying back at you with no respect at all for your personal safety.

By the end of our session, my aggression had been neutralized. Ashley the Barista was in a good mood. We got back in the car, turned up LCD SoundSystem, drove home through a winding road, and completely smoked a Porsche in the corners (his car was beefier, but was I way insaner, so it worked out in our favor).

My Awesome Trash Golfing Photos

I took photos to remember the event forever, or at least until WebHost4Life finally manages to destroy my blog once and for all with all of its pointless meddling and tinkering.

Before teeing up, Ashley the Barista had to make her own tees. In this example, she used what looked like a mound of human ashes. I felt this was disrespectful, but the resulting drive was actually quite nice.

Ashley the Barista – Post-thwack.

Ashley the Barista nearly died after one particularly powerful thwacking that sent her spinning off down the little hill. That’s what she gets for making a tee out of a mound of human ashes. It’s called KARMA, Ashley the Barista. But, really, I feel for you because I’m compassionate.

A skilled Trash Golfer calls his shots. Here, I was indicating that I planned on hitting the Big Wet Thing that divided the land we were on from the land that was on the other side of the Big Wet Thing.

Preparing to show the Big Wet Thing who was boss (me – that’s who was boss, and that’s what I was preparing to show the Big Wet Thing).

I hit the Big Wet Thing (just like I said I would), and then I was like all, “YES. SCORE.”

It was the perfect way to spend the two hours of the day during which I wasn’t working. If you’ve ever wondered what people on the MSDN Events team do with their time off, then you might as well keep on wondering, ‘cause I don’t think this is it.

But Trash Golfing is awesome.

There really ought to be a Portland Nerd Trash Golfing party this summer. Maybe around Code Camp…