>friends and neighbors and enemies and people whose diaries I've read...

rowrie, which one does Bill Gates fit in? I've heard he is a big fan.
If the latter, do you have any sordid details involing the bike sheds?

Why don't you just give away Zunes?

kiwi -

"rowrie, which one does Bill Gates fit in? I've heard he is a big fan."

As I've written in the past, I'd like to think that Bill Gates is reading my blog and even commenting.

Sort of a "Prince and the Pauper" kind of thing. Like he can come out here and be himself.

I'm sure that, if Mr. Gates and I were to get together and have a chat, we'd find that our senses of humor would be nearly identical.

We're almost, like, the same guy, you know? Me 'n Bill. Bill 'n me.

Buds for life.

paul -

"Why don't you just give away Zunes?"

Bad :)

When my life is dull like it is now, my creative side is in regression. When I experience true emotions and feelings, even pain or sorrow or grief, I feel like I don't have enough paper to write the things flying through my mind. The more emotion I get the more I thirst for. I become like an emotion junkie...I begin reading poetry but that works only if my emotions come to meet the words. Feelings and thoughts are like interfaces for words.
You probably wrote in the past like you were commenting code. You had a lot of thoughts and you shared them in a personal manner. Now you are probably filled with feelings and emotions that block your thoughts. You need to share feelings before you can share simple thoughts again :) This is why I think you can write after "Dear Diary". It's like you begin a confession, and confessions are all about releasing the weight of the feelings. Even if all you write after that "Dear Diary" is nonsense, the simple fact of making that step helps you. :)
You must believe I am delirious and delusional by now :))   It's only a theory and it probably isn't your case :) I am looking forward to see the "Dear diary" entries :)

I'm wondering whether you'll also be offering a parallell track of "Dear Dairy"-entries, praising the world of milk and cheese.

bart -

"Now you are probably filled with feelings and emotions that block your thoughts"

This is part of the problem, and also a very good observation.

I've felt lately like my thoughts have gone into a state of flooding - what used to be a nice little creek has turned into a river, and it's my job to try and divert a little bit of the water somehow to turn it into posts.

I have *way* too much on my mind right now, stemming from the unusually large quanity of life-changing experiences I've had this year (and about which I haven't written for the most part - many very private things have happened).

When I think about trying to get some of those thoughts out, I imagine my thoughts as blood running through a vein, and I have to stick that vein with a needle and slowly draw out some of the blood. That blood is what will become a post.

Probably a strange analogy, but it's what I see in my head. I really do have too much going on upstairs right now, and it's frustrating because I want to talk about a lot of it, but in talking about it I'd probably lose my job.

What to do... what to do...

Please don't lose your job :D You are very good at it. And why would you lose your job ? Bill Gates is a fanatic Yoda fan ?

for what it's worth, i can relate.

my grandmother died in my mid-twenties, someone who raised me since i was a baby, and instilled in me the sense of self, intellect, humanity, passion that is a core part of me today.

i drove her to the hospital after she complained of chest pains, and having a history of heart disease, i was naturally worried. the cardiologist who examined her wanted to perform a catheterization (put a tiny balloon in the heart and get break through heart blockages) as there was a 90% block in with two major vessels.

the cardiologist wasn't satisfied after the 1st operation, so he pressed, and another ensued. i stood in the cold room as the procedure was performed at a distance acting as a translator (we're chinese) and to assure all was going to be okay. the last words i told her were just that. she was heavily sedated but stubborn as she was, told me looking straight into my eyes that she saw someone at the door and that it was her time to go.

i told her to "be good" (it was an inside joke, and the chinese phrase was spoken as one of adoration, between us, which she would also smile, happily so, and say to me how silly i was) before the cardiologist suddenly  told me to stand back as she had a heart attack. 8 minutes later, she was pushed out to the OR surgeon standing by, and 6 hrs later she was in a coma, on life support. the rest of the family was there by then, and the decision was made to let her go, according to her explicit wishes of not prolonging her death. still, it was my decision for her to get the catheter operation, because she trusted me completely, and it was one that haunted me for a long, long time.

the last thing i did was kiss her on the forehead then running down to the parking lot to my car driving around, listening to the cd playing then, smashing pumpkin's adore, and sobbing uncontrollably. the songs, the moments, that morning forever burned in my memories. i learned a few basic things then. i was alone as ever, crying (including now as i type this), hurt, ashamed, wishing, wanting to change time and space itself until my head and every bone of my body hurt.

over time i realized that those memories and what she taught me, implicitly and explicitly, are what mattered, and would stay with me for the rest of my life. i began to appreciate our time together, our rich family history, our culture, our heritage, the taoism that influenced my family, they all resurfaced for me. after some point of intense self-reflection, i realized that i wasn't alone. she was still here. not as a spirit, but as indelible memories, stories, and learnings that i garnered that was uniquely formed between her and i. all that i am, my respect for science, my self-awareness to be, and my ability to stay in the moment with the understanding of the unity of opposites (westerners reduce it to "ying-yang" but there's a lot more to it then that).

and while i have an immense respect and understanding of science, that day also taught me it was foolish to believe it to be absolute. after all, it, in this case medicine, was also a human pursuit, and with it fallible, tainted with unscientific human arrogance, closed off to other possibilities except what the immediate dataset or perhaps economics suggests. the surgeon told us that a surgery would have saved her rather than having a 2nd catheter procedure so close together before he shut the fuck up. the cardiologist in turn assigned blame of her obtaining a stent treatment too late.

at different times of the year, over the years since, i've relived that moment many times. but no regrets. for that is fate, a final fate that must be respected as it is the way of things. yet to only remember her death without realizing how immeasurably she gave me would be an living insult.

since that day, i've come to be even more of a critical thinker, and a philosopher (of the eastern "mysticism" variety, which like scientific "theory" is all too often misunderstood), and a scientist (we can all be scientists, it's all a matter of deliberate application of the scientific method). she gave me all the human gifts for me to be all that i am today, to grow despite the harshness that has been my life (another novel altogether), and for that there is nothing i can say that can come close to expressing my gratitude and completeness of being knowing that *i* had been her grandson and lived my life with her presence. nobody else.

i hope you can find a sense of self again, gathered from your fond memories and growing appreciation of her that will grow over time, not because there is a higher god directing you, rather that she has given you so much, of her wisdom, kindness, and strength through her stories and experiences with you, in great hopes, no doubt, that you find true happiness in life and humanity, which in turn means you will cherish your time with her for the rest of your life by living your life and nothing less, with time.

on a tangential p.s., like you, i came to redmond to the mother ship (from LA) by myself, leaving my fiancé there due to a number of reasons beyond our control. this was almost 6 years ago, so i think i can relate in some measure how you feel being on the eastside sans friends and family. i flew down to LA almost weekly for 2 1/2 years before we lived under one roof again. a number of things helped me grow and get through that period, perhaps i'll comment on it sometime, if i don't think it's going to be a big bore.

Meanwhile, take care.