Dear Diary,

I'm wearing brand new underwear today. I bought it last weekend when I drove down to Portland to visit friends and family.

I've made it a tradition to always forget at least one thing I need when I leave town. It's usually my toothbrush or one of my many moisturizers. This time, it was something much more important, but I discovered my underwear deficit just in time and managed to take care of the problem before having to spend the next day with nothing but air between my private parts and my jeans.

The new underwear is nice. They're "boxer-briefs," which means that they're cut like boxers, but snug like briefs. They're designed for the prude who would prefer to wear a pair of underwear that extends beyond the knee (formerly known as "bloomers," I believe), but who also wants something tight that "keeps everything under control."

I think other people can tell I'm wearing it, too. Wearing new underwear lends me an outward confidence that I believe is easily noticeable by others. I feel more confident. My self-esteem has also received a boost.

The only downside to buying new underwear is having to shop for it. I don't like the packaging in the male underwear section. I find it confusing, and I don't know who it's for.

I exclusively wear Calvin Klein underwear because I don't think I should trust anything less than the paramount of quality undies when it comes to housing my secret parts. They're very special to me, and I want to take good care of them.

But the boxes in which the Klein bits ship don't appeal to my aesthetic preferences. Each box has a photo of a man wearing the underwear. Each man is extremely muscular and fills out the underwear very nicely. I don't relate to that. I'm a wee man, and when I wear the underwear in the box, I don't look at all like the guy on the box. That has a negative impact on my perception of myself (until I throw away the box).

The other thing that bothers me is the size of the "package" depicted in the photo. I think that these guys "stuff" before they put on the underwear for the shoots and, again, I don't know why the Calvin Klein advertisers feel a need to do this. I'm a guy, and the last thing I want when I'm buying underwear is to feel as though I'm not "substantial" enough to wear it.

Honestly, Diary, what's the deal? Are they trying to turn me on? Are they seeking to wake some latent homosexual tendencies that will lead me to salivate over the man on the cover of the box? If that's the goal, it isn't working.

If they really want to sell me the underwear by placing a nice photo on the cover, then they should just stick Gisele on the cover. And stick her in a pair of the boxer-briefs I'm buying. If I see Gisele on the cover, I'll be naturally drawn to it. You could probably sell me a box of dog shit by putting Gisele on the cover. She's very pretty.

That's all for now, Diary. Thanks for listening. I'll be back later since there's more I want to say.

But not about this.