Dear Diary,

At the suggestion of one of my of my friends/coworkers, the amazing Channel 9 coderman Erik Porter, I watched an episode of the televisual broadcast "Heroes" last night.

When he first described it to me, I didn't want to watch it. It sounded like another stupid show about superheroes. You know - people who were pathetic and ordinary - people like school teachers, policemen, programmers, and other totally normal and unimportant duds who suddenly discover that they have "special" powers that make them useful to society.

"Oh," they say, "Yesterday I was just a school teacher, but today I have the strength of Hercules, oh, oh, oh..."

Pathetic.

It came as a surprise, then, when I found that I actually rather enjoyed the episode in spite of having paid $1.99 to Apple so that I could watch it.

The writing was better than I expected, and the stories weren't nearly as embarrassing as I'd hoped. Altogether, I felt it was a worthwhile investment.

If you haven't seen it, and this is a spoiler-free description of the show, it's about a bunch of ordinary dorks who suddenly discover that they can do things like fly, regenerate from horrible accidents in the blink of an eye, read minds, see the future, and crap like that.

The only thing that bothered me about the show was that the superpowers were so commonplace. I mean, there's nothing new about the flying superpower or the nearly-invincible superpower. These have all been played out time and time again in the comics that are so popular among the crowd of people who choose to spend their time arguing about who would win in a battle between dark-vampire-elvin-dwarves and an army of level-ten-Jedi-ninja-ewoks.

It prompted me to think about the superpowers I would want for myself if I could pick. This is only an exercise in thought, though, Diary, as I'm already stuck with the superpowers with which I was born (extreme good looks, genius, etc.).

So, I'm making a list. Note, though, that some of the items in the list actually seem to be superwishes rather than superpowers. I'm not that worried about it, but thought I'd warn you up front in case you're the kind of diary that gets all freaked out about that kind of thing.

Here, then, in no particular order, are the superpowers I'd want...

Superpower #1 - Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel Gene Splicing

For this superpower, I wish that I could take Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel, and then splice their genes together so that they would turn into the world's single most irritating human being. But then I'd stick Philler Gallins in a closet by itself with a nice, high-end stereo, playing nothing but well known Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel songs.

I'd let Philler Gallins out every few hours to walk around and know what its like to have its own songs stuck in its head, listening over and over to "In Your Eyes" and "Invisible Touch."

Justice is served.

With a side of revenge.

Superpower #2 - The Ability To Understand Russian Jokes

When I was living in London, there was a Russian girl named "Milla" who lived on my floor. She was known for two (2) things:

1. Walking out into the hallway after a shower while wearing nothing but a green towel, and then "accidentally" dropping the towel when there was an attractive man (me) around

2. Telling jokes that nobody understood

Her favorite joke went like this (in a thick Russian accent): OK, so one day, bear is walking in woods. Bear is walking and walking. In woods. Then bear comes to tree and looks up in tree (everybody standing around Milla who hasn't already heard this one is wide-eyed with anticipation at the treat of an exotic, foreign punchline). When bear looks up in tree, bear sees lion (Milla starts to laugh a little here - only she knows how this funny story will end). Bear is confused, so bear says to lion, "Hey, lion - What are you doing up in tree?"

At this point in the "joke," Milla would double-over with laughter. We would stand in bewilderment, wondering if that was the punchline.

Then her towel would fall off and we'd all clap.

I wish I could understand what was supposed to be so damned funny about that bear/lion joke.

Superpower #3 - TrannyMan (or TrannyWoman, as the case may be...)

I'd like the ability to be able to switch genders on the fly, and for my appearance to be updated as well.

That is, I'd like to be able to transform into a female version of myself, wearing female clothes, perfume, jewelry, etc.

I want this one so that I can finally figure out why women go to the bathroom in groups. I figure I can just switch my gender, follow 'em in, and then report my findings in some male-targeted publication of some sort.

Also, I could be a superpervert. That might be more important than discovering the secret to the mystery. I don't know.

Actually, yes: I do know.

It's more important to be a superpervert.

Superpower #4 - Never Having To Go #2 in a Public Place

I don't know about you, diary, but I will drive several hundred miles out of my way if it means getting to "go #2" at home.

I hate going #2 anyplace but the place I live. I hate thinking about all the butts that have touched the toilet seat before mine.

I hate how public the act becomes. Common toilet stalls were built without privacy in mind. The "bottoms" of these stalls fall short of reaching the ground by as much as a foot, and the gap between the door and the wall to which it is hinged can be as wide as a couple inches.

And, I know - I know - that most men are perverted enough that they probably try to sneak a peek at me while I'm having my private moment. That's unsettling.

I also hate going in public because sometimes my body (not me - my body) makes very un-ladylike noises, and I find that embarrassing. I don't want people to see my designer shoes under the one foot gap between the stall wall and the floor and say, "Oh, there's Rory, just having diarrhea."

I don't need that.

So, my superpower #4 would be to be able to "hold it" until I get home - even if I'm on vacation in Paraguay.

Not that I know why I would be on vacation in Paraguay.

Superpower #5 - Jesusification

I think it would be useful to be able to turn into Jesus when I need to. It seems like people listened to him, and I'd like to have that kind of charisma.

Like, if I'm short on bus money or something, I could just -:whoosh:- transform into the Son of God and then I bet they'd let me on the bus for free.

That would be helpful for me.

That's All

There are other superpowers I'd like, Diary, but I don't want to go on for too long about them. Just wanted to jot down a few that came to mind.

The existing ones are all so lame, you know? Like AquaMan. What a useless superhero. It's great to have AquaMan around if your undersea science lab gets attacked by a robot octopus or something, but what if there's a cat stuck in a tree in Wyoming? What good is AquaMan then? You can't order a shark to rescue a cat in the tree. Not only would the shark die from being in Wyoming, but it would also probably try to eat the cat.

WAY TO GO, AQUAMAN. THANKS.

I think my list of superpowers is better than the existing ones, Diary.

And I think you think so, too.