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Things are getting ridiculous

My ego finally hit critical mass this afternoon, became the densest object in the universe, collapsed in on itself, and now has me suspended in a time-dilation field that could totally show up on Stargate SG-1 (I think - I don't watch that show, so I don't know anything about any time dilation fields produced by an SG team on a mission to a planet that was suddenly caught in the gravitational tide of a newly formed black hole or whatever - I'm just saying that it seems like it'd be good for Stargate SG-1, if they want to use it, and also, they have to pay me one bajillion dollars if they do, and this offer is retroactive in case they did happen to do an episode like this in the past, but I wouldn't know, 'cause I don't watch it, so PLEASE CONTACT MY LAWYER OK MR. RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON FOR AN ASS-WHOOPING THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU'VE NEVER SEEN AND WAS EVEN WORSE THAN THE TIME THE GOULD GOD BAAL KILLED YOU AND THEN REVIVED YOU AND THEN KILLED YOU AND THEN REVIVED YOU TO GET INFORMATION OUT OF YOU BUT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT EPISODE BECAUSE I DON'T WATCH YOUR SHOW AND I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE THE BIGGEST DORK IN THE UNIVERSE AND MY LAWYER SAYS SO TOO AND ALSO THAT YOU OWE US TONS OF MONEY SO START WRITING THE CHECKS YOU IDEA STEALING FORMER CELEBRITY OF THE TELEVISUAL PANTHEON OF SCI-FI NERDITY).

The reason my ego became so dense as to become a black hole this morning is that I just got an email notifying me that it would be my best interest to go to iTunes and check out the podcast page.

Why?

Oh, I don't know... maybe because I'M TOTALLY FEATURED ON THE PAGE AND IT'S PROOF THAT I'M AWESOME AND NOW I CAN FINALLY TELL YOU ALL THE TRUTH WHICH IS THAT I NEVER LIKED THIS BLOG IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THE ONLY REASON I'M DOING IT IS THAT I STILL THINK IT MIGHT GET ME A DATE WITH CAMERON DIAZ BUT THE REST OF YOU CAN JUST PISS OFF YOU LITTLE PISSANT PISSWANKS.

(Apologies to anybody who took that harshly - let it be known that I mean what I say in the humblest, kindest manner possible, and that, if you're upset, it's because you need mental help, and my mom will probably call the cops on you for being such a baby.)

If you don't use iTunes, here's what I'm all excited about (I added subtle highlights to the area of interest):

Anyway, it's no big deal. I mean, I'm only, like, on the front page of the iTunes Podcast section, which is no big deal GET ON YOUR KNEES AND WORSHIP ME AND MY GREATNESS so I'm going to try and keep a low profile YOU LOVE ME AND YOU WANT MORE AND I WILL MAKE YOU PREGNANT and just ride this out casually NOTHING GREATER HAS EVER EXISTED AND NOW I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.

I just want to be a normal guy, you know? Drive to Burger King (LOOKING FOR COMMERCIAL TIE-INS - PLEASE CONTACT MY AGENT) to pick up a Whopper with no onions I'M SO GOD DAMNED AMAZING THAT YOU'VE RUINED YOUR SHORTS BUT THAT'S OK IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, go home to the wife, watch some TV, maybe play a few video games EVERYTHING WILL BE DIFFERENT FROM HERE ON OUT FOR I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER, but other than that, I think things are pretty much going to be the same UNTIL I'VE FINALLY AMASSED AN ARMY THE LIKES OF WHICH GOD HAS NEVER SEEN AND WITH WHICH I SHALL WREAK SCORN AND HAVOC, HAVOC AND SCORN UPON THE SINFUL OF THIS WORLD AND OTHERS.

Yup.

Just another day for me.

Also, please keep this quiet. The last thing I'd want is for this to get out. I want to play that whole Cameron Diaz thing smoothly AND KISS HER ON THE MOUTH so that she doesn't think I'm desperate WHICH I SURE AS HELL AM AND IT'S PROBABLY PARTIALLY TO DO WITH MY THROAT ULCER which is something I really don't want her to know.

So, please - I beg of you - do not START POSTING REFERENCES TO THIS ALL OVER THE INTERNETS SO THAT EVERYBODY MAY WITNESS MY GREATNESS AND BE HUMBLED BY IT AS I HAVE.

OK.

I'm going to go swab some pain killer onto my throat ulcer now.

Published Tuesday, January 23, 2007 1:55 PM by Rory

Filed Under:

Comments

 

Dan Woolston said:

coolness.  i just saw it.
pretty awesome rory!
January 23, 2007 2:28 PM
 

Mr Angry said:

Not ridiculous Rory, it's simply the long overdue recognition of years of high quality work on your part.  I'm sure there's bigger things coming so be ready!
January 23, 2007 2:30 PM
 

engtech said:

Maybe I should try listening to your podcast now.
January 23, 2007 2:49 PM
 

snowstorm said:

Well that's special. Congrats.

Please try to keep the throat ulcer alive and well through the evening of Feb 2. (It's only like next Friday. The thing can't hurt that bad.) I'd like to see it. Great topic for dinner conversation.
January 23, 2007 2:52 PM
 

too cool said:

And the best part is the fun Google AdWords ads you get! Seriously, have you just written a blog to cause havoc on the Borg ?(uh, google)
January 23, 2007 3:12 PM
 

Tim said:

Come now. This is unseemly.
January 23, 2007 3:48 PM
 

Ian said:

So it was you that got me pregnant. I've been wondering how that happened..
January 23, 2007 4:11 PM
 

Tom B said:

You beat out the pink kitty with the acupuncture needles...congratulations!
January 23, 2007 4:22 PM
 

Geoff said:

Yes, but where would Rory be without my genius music-production and editing?  HMM!?

Well- probably in about the same place, with crappier music, but still!
January 23, 2007 8:02 PM
 

GuyIncognito said:

Congrats Rory!

Has Steve Jobs been in contact with you yet?

January 23, 2007 11:38 PM
 

Erik Porter said:

I'm like the luckiest dude in the world to have someone so famous as my officemate!  *giggle*  Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.  I won't tell anyone.  Ok, I won't tell anyone else that I haven't already told.  ;)
January 24, 2007 12:27 AM
 

Massif said:

Awww, and here I was thinking you were referring to my meagre efforts to design clothing featuring your image.

Still, the podcast thing is better - if you're into those sorts of things.
January 24, 2007 12:44 AM
 

Erwin Blonk said:

Geoff -
"Yes, but where would Rory be without my genius music-production and editing?  HMM!?"

Behind every great man there is a great woman (oh gawd, that was uberlame on my part - I have to apologize - I won't but I have to).
You know Geoff, the real great people don't get recognized.
You remember how Rory said that he was afraid that his podcast would suck because it would be just him reading blog entries and that the music and editing made it great.
Remind him, Geoff, just remind him.
January 24, 2007 4:51 AM
 

Matt said:

Congratz on the Podcast.

But Carmen might be an uphill climb, she still seems kind of stuck on that guy in the Taco Bell commercial.

but at least she's a cheap date, Bowling and Tacos, it doesn't get better than that.
January 24, 2007 6:42 AM
 

Heather said:

Congratulations... I'm in the process of downloading now.  Call me old fashioned... or just behind the times but another congrats to you as the first podcast to ever be downloaded by me.  :D

Ooooo... and good luck with that date!
January 24, 2007 9:56 AM
 

Blue said:

Coolio!
Congrats, Rory. Now that you're (potentially) rich and (definitely) famous, where can we write to order the awesome Rory t-shirt designed by Massif?
January 24, 2007 11:24 AM
 

Jack said:

Arrogant. Callow. Depressing.  
January 24, 2007 12:47 PM
 

Geoff said:

Heh- this *is* a kind of rockin' episode, but it might be a bit harsh for the newbies.  (;
January 24, 2007 1:19 PM
 

Rory said:

My Dear Bliz,

"Please try to keep the throat ulcer alive and well through the evening of Feb 2."

Unfortunately, after only a day of steroid use, the thing is starting to disappear.

I'm sorry, but I really don't think it's going to be around when you show up. We'll just have to talk about normal things (like your POS low-end Dell).
January 24, 2007 2:43 PM
 

Rory said:

Geoff of the Biggest Hair -

"Yes, but where would Rory be without my genius music-production and editing?  HMM!?"

True. As eblonk pointed out, I was really worried at first that the show wouldn't go anywhere. That's just because, when I left New London, it was nothing but a pile of raw recordings.

The first time I heard a properly mixed and edited version, I was quite happy. The music and editing provide pretty much *all* the atmosphere (a lot of the pauses in the show aren't mine - that's all Geoff, cutting and pasting the recordings of me where he sees fit).

So, yeah. Word to teh Geoffses. Without the music and editing, it'd just be recordings of a guy in a sound booth in the middle of a New London summer (*not* ideal).

Thanks :)
January 24, 2007 2:46 PM
 

Rory said:

Jack -

"Arrogant. Callow. Depressing."

Three. Incomplete. Sentences.

Jealous. Vocal. Minority.

Read. Other. Blogs.

Little. Yellow. Different.

Nuprin.
January 24, 2007 2:49 PM
 

Rory said:

Matt -

"But Carmen might be an uphill climb, she still seems kind of stuck on that guy in the Taco Bell commercial."

Was she really in a Taco Bell commercial?

Because, if that's the case, she just dropped off my list. I have no desire to date someone who would do a Taco Bell commercial.

DO YOU HEAR ME, DIAZ? I'M NOT GOING TO DATE YOU SO STOP CALLING AND GO BACK TO STUFFING YOUR CHOPS WITH GRADE D GROUND BEEF AND SALAD AND GOVERNMENT CHEESE WITH A TANGY AND ADDICTIVE SELECTION OF SAUCES TO SATISFY EVERY TACO LOVER'S DESIRES.

I HATE YOU, DIAZ.

I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU.

I'm going for Gisele instead. You lost your chance with *this*.
January 24, 2007 2:52 PM
 

Rory said:

Blue -

"Congrats, Rory. Now that you're (potentially) rich and (definitely) famous, where can we write to order the awesome Rory t-shirt designed by Massif?"

Thank you, interesting lady of mixed cultural experiences.

I should think that contacting Massif would be the best route. It sounds like he worked a deal out with my lawyer to get full merchandising rights.

It's out of my hands. I'm helpless to do anything here.

I'm also pathologically lazy, so it's best that I not be involved beyond what is absolutely necessary.

I just want 40%. That's all.

That's all I ask in return for the gifts I've given this world.

The joy of laughter, Blue.

Let me ask you something: What price can one put on a smile?

You can't, Blue.

You just can't.

Also, I forgot what question I was answering, or if I was even answering a question in the first place. If I weren't so bloody lazy, I'd probably go back to sort this all out.

But, for the grace of God into the world goes this comment.

Adieu...

Adieu.

I die. Twilight is upon me. All has gone to darkness.

Don't we hear the chimes at midnight?

And I go with the one thing they could not take from me:

My panache.

(There - I've finally satisfied my own lifelong desire to somehow combine a scene from The Empire Strikes Back, a Shakespeare-quoting Klingon from Star Trek VI, a paraphrasing of the words of a 16th centurty martyr, and the ending of Cyrano de Bergerac. I may rest.)
January 24, 2007 3:17 PM
 

Blue said:

"mixed cultural experiences", eh? A-ha :)
January 24, 2007 4:06 PM
 

Matt said:

oops my bad. I was thinking Carmen, not Cameron.

please continue your pursuit of Miss Diaz.

that is if you don't mind Timberlake's seconds.
January 24, 2007 6:19 PM
 

jen said:

Rory:

Jack. Ass.  (Obviously.)

sorrycouldn'thelpitloveyourpodcastbutwhatdoiknow?
January 24, 2007 7:23 PM
 

Rory said:

Matt -

"oops my bad. I was thinking Carmen, not Cameron.

please continue your pursuit of Miss Diaz.

that is if you don't mind Timberlake's seconds."

The Timberlake Problem is a matter of some concern, yes...

But it's one I'm willing to overlook (unless something better comes along - you never know).
January 24, 2007 8:36 PM
 

Rory said:

Jen -

Are you calling me a jack-ass or are you calling *him* a jack-ass?

Because, if you're calling *me* a jack-ass, then you're probably partially right.

But, if you're calling *him* a jack-ass, then you can rest assured you've made a solid and absolutely correct decision.
January 24, 2007 8:38 PM
 

Rory said:

Jen -

Wait. I'm dumb.

I forgot he called himself Jack.

You're right.

And I like the way you put it :)
January 24, 2007 8:38 PM
 

dan woolston said:

quick....everyone call rorys desk and ask him to page "Mr. Meoff.
First name Jack."
muwahahahaha.

*sigh*
January 24, 2007 10:15 PM
 

Blue said:

Rory and Rory's readers, don't you read all the gossip? It's over with Timberlake, whose already with Scarlet Johanson.

Don't be shy, Rory. Go ahead with Diaz. The cheeks, eh? ;)
January 24, 2007 11:18 PM
 

Massif said:

I've never met Rory's Lawyer, and wouldn't dirty my hands talking to legal folks.

Anyone who wants to grab said design off flickr can do so, and do with it what they want. (It's in the redemption thread.) I genuinely don't have any artistic talent, so feel free to improve on it as you see fit. I think it would look best on white or red, but I'm a physicist by training and a Developer by profession, so I have no claim to taste.

Furthermore I'm not willing to burden myself with the costs of the inevitable international shipping from the UK, go make your own. (Or badger Rory further to make them.)

I did have an idea for the back - thanks Guy for the inspiration. That it should feature two stick figures, and one chops the head off the other one when he starts talking about using Excel as a Database.
January 25, 2007 12:45 AM
 

Erwin Blonk said:

Rory -
"So, yeah. Word to teh Geoffses."

On the other hand, you have the looks, the attitude and the content. The beauty and the beast.
January 25, 2007 1:17 AM
 

Erwin Blonk said:

Massif -

"I've never met Rory's Lawyer, and wouldn't dirty my hands talking to legal folks."

http://www.pandacontrol.com
January 25, 2007 1:20 AM
 

Blue said:

Oops, I made a disgraceful grammatical error. Sorry. :-/
January 25, 2007 6:08 AM
 

Massif said:

I wasn't going to raise it, as I wasn't sure whether English was your first language or not.

Although I was feeling good about myself for remembering enough French to make sense of your blog. Yay me!
January 25, 2007 7:29 AM
 

Blue said:

Good for you, Massif. :)
Where did you learn French?
January 25, 2007 10:12 AM
 

anonymistake said:

diaz is a ditz. the character in 'lost in translation' played by that 'scary movie' girl? that's a direct satire of her. she's a perpetual 15-year-old cheerleader. and she is one of the celebs that will suffer from the advent of high-definition tv. under the foundation, her complexion is that of a jovian moon.

p.s. i arrived here by a 'sponsored link' on myspace. i did my best to cancel it by clicking on a few of your google ads here. youre welcome.
January 25, 2007 4:30 PM
 

Massif said:

J'ai apprendu le français a mon école (en Exeter - sud-ouest Royaume Unis), il y a dix ans. Donc je crois que j'avais oublier tout les chose que j'avais apprendu.

There's something wrong with the above sentence according to Firefox, but I genuinely thought the past participle of apprendre was apprendu.
January 26, 2007 12:20 AM
 

Blue said:

It's a tricky one, Massif. Past part. of rendre = rendu but past part. of apprendre = appris.

But not bad at all for schoolboy French. :)
January 26, 2007 1:58 AM
 

GuyIncognito said:

Welcome anonymistake.  Catchy name! :)

Sponsored link from Myspace?  How did that work?  Rory has an advertising budget???
January 26, 2007 7:55 AM
 

blfstyk said:

Enjoy your 15 minutes.  And your mom told me to remind you to brush your teeth and wash behind your ears.

January 26, 2007 10:22 AM
 

Rory said:

Guy -

"Sponsored link from Myspace?  How did that work?  Rory has an advertising budget???"

I actually do. I wanted to broaden the audience a bit, so I've been working with my sister to see what could be done with $300/month. Sort of an experiment.

Under my own effort, I was able to get about 1,000 people here each month for that dough.

After my sister, unimpressed with how I had set up my "ad campaign", took over, it turned into nearly 4,000 people a month for the same dough.

It's actually a *really* good deal.

I don't know what the long term gain, if any, will be, though. My main thought is that, when I finally get around to trying to get an agent for a proper book deal, I want to be able to show that I have an established audience for my writing. That's a huge advantage in publishing. As a total unknown, I probably couldn't get an agent, probably couldn't get anything close to a good deal from a publisher, and probably just couldn't get published *period*.

However, if I can say, "Hey - look, yo - I started out with 30 users per month, and it's grown to 50,000 unique visitors per month over several years - gimme a book deal, please," then I'll be in a good position to get what I want, which is to be able to write a book without having to simultaneously starve (or burn myself out trying to do too many things at once).

Like the Cylons, I *do* have a plan (except, unlike the writers for the new Battlestar Galactica series, I really, really do have a plan).
January 26, 2007 10:44 AM
 

Rory said:

blfstyk -

"Enjoy your 15 minutes."

Actually, if you total up all media coverage for the past three years, it comes out to one hour and forty-five minutes. I'm doing all right for a nobody...

"And your mom told me to remind you to brush your teeth and wash behind your ears."

Liar.

Pants on fire.

My mom never told me to brush my teeth or wash behind my ears, which is part of the reason I wasn't very popular in school.
January 26, 2007 10:46 AM
 

Jeff Sandquist - Microsoft Evangelist said:

January 26, 2007 9:57 PM
 

elidet said:

i was bored until i saw your blog....now i'm lol-ing......

January 27, 2007 2:30 AM
 

Arch said:

one of the best posts.. heehehe got me lol too :D

i still miss reading those wacky comic strips
January 27, 2007 3:25 AM
 

Mark said:

Congrats Rory,

I was a huge fan of your work on DotNetRocks, and I'm glad to see have a podcast, which I just subscribed to.  I noticed your podcast is on the top 25 podcasts in the comedy section on Itunes (Currently at #23 - Just a few spots below Tiki Bar) Keep up the good work.
January 30, 2007 9:24 PM
 

Tim Sneath said:

It's the Google Ads that kill me:
"Cameron diaz:
Browse a huge selection now. Find exactly what you want today."

"Searching for God?
God wants you to seek a close relationship with Him."

Even Google knows, Rory - they KNOW!
February 1, 2007 8:36 PM
 

Lloyd said:

Intriguing SG1 plot... however you missed the shark with the Ori infiltrating earth with a celebrity... ( http://www.lloydengland.com/blog/2007/02/13/a-prior-has-been-dispatched-to-our-location/ )

Of course though... I don't watch the show ;)
February 13, 2007 4:59 AM
 

MrCool said:

Rory, I would love to watch your channel 9 shows but I can't seem to find them. Which show do you do? There seems to be tons of stuff there and I can't find you. I'm not a regular on channel 9. Thanks.
March 15, 2007 8:18 AM
 

Neopoleon said:

Four years. That's how long I've been doing this now. Each time my blog's odometer rolls over a year,...
April 27, 2007 5:31 PM
 

Monkey See, Monkey Build said:

My ego?  OH, it just went up a ton.
October 30, 2007 1:24 PM
 

TEMPORARY BLOG NAME said:

My ego?  OH, it just went up a ton.
November 4, 2007 7:13 PM
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