Whoa, can I really be the first commenter? I feel like I am not ready for prime time...er...hello...is..this on?

Anyway, bravo Rory. I just posted to my mom as well (though I hope she doesnt' see it yet since it spoils the mom day present I am buying).  What works well for periods that don't seem to go away is chocolate, red wine, hot baths, really really good science fiction novel you can read in the tub, and strangely, steak + Advil. (You should not have advil on an empty stomach).

Cheers, hope you both feel better soon,

Betsy

Betsy...red wine may not be the best idea in this case ;-).

Rory, proud of you dude. I quit drinking 7 months ago...it was just about the worst thing physically I've ever gone through. Don't miss it a bit though.

Did you get her a prezzie?

Glad to hear you're doing OK...

I'm anxious to see if sober-Rory is as fun and amusing as cracked-out-Rory.

Take your time reacclimating.

Yay! Rory's back (ish) I missed the fine entertainment I get here, so I'm hoping this is the beginning of some sort of resurgence.

Although, don't sweat it on my behalf, I should be perfectly capable of entertaining myself.

Happy Birthday Rory's Mum - hope you had a good one.

Love, Some-Random-Internet-Guy (Me)

Hey Rory... I'm glad to hear you're getting off that stuff and feeling good.  You deserve it.

Go do some volunteer work on a regular basis.  Worked wonders for me because I quickly realized in a "splash of cold water in the face" sort of way that I have so much to be greatful for, and my medicate-inducing emotional  pain is petty in comparison.  Like you, my mom did a head job on me growing up and my Dad pretty much stayed out of her way, especially during drunken tirades.  Well, accept to beat on us whe she ordered him to, but he always felt bad about it afterwrds.  Anyway, after a long time of being bitter about having to grow up too damn fast, I just let go of it, and said to myself, "Damnit, this is my freakin life, and damnit I'm gonna enjoy whatever time I have left.  Right here, right now.  No more guilt about my screwups, no more blame on my parents, time for my life to be about looking forward, not behind."  

It's hard for me to view narcotics, parenting or death differently. They share the simple truth that unless you've lived through it yourself, you can't judge others with any perspective (not that you should judge others anyway).

I've gone through (and continue to go through) all of the above mentioned personally. For me they share three common elements that need to be addressed before proceeding forward in life in what can be considered any type of healthy lifestyle. These are the physical, mental and spiritual components. The physical component, beleive it or not, is the easiest and shortest to deal with (usually lasting between 7 and 28 days depending on which research you choose to accept). The mental aspect is a variable much harder to define on a human time table and the spiritual component is one hopefully pursued over the course of a lifetime.

Every time I think I've overcome one addiction, something else creeps into my life. I used to think "addiction" only pertained to narcotics but now realize that addiction applies to almost everything in my life (relationships, anger, sex, etc., etc., etc.) My one hope is that I continue learning, recognizing, living, adjusting and talking about these constantly changing elements of my life. There really aren't a whole lot of other options. The more I focus on the mistakes and defects of other people, the more I avoid dealing with my own. I got enough work to do without taking on those of others.

Keep on keeping on Rory. The alternatives aren't real pretty!

Betsy -

"What works well for periods that don't seem to go away is chocolate, red wine, hot baths, really really good science fiction novel you can read in the tub, and strangely, steak + Advil. (You should not have advil on an empty stomach)."

:)

I have that pesky migraine condition that causes me to go blind, and it's been triggered by chocolate and red wine (any wine, actually - but red wine and champagne seem to be the worst for it).

I do like the idea of reading a pleasant book in the tub, but I have this weird phobia that involves touching books with wet hands. It's a nails-on-chalkboard thing for me. The feeling is terrible.

So, I'll take your advice, but I'll probably split the bath and the book into two events rather than trying to combine them.

As for Advil and the steak - I'm totally down with that. I love Advil's sweet coating, and there are few things on this planet that bring me pleasure the way a properly done (that is, nearly raw) filet does.

Word to teh Betsies.

Jayson -

"Rory, proud of you dude. I quit drinking 7 months ago...it was just about the worst thing physically I've ever gone through. Don't miss it a bit though."

That's the thing with addiction, right? It's the strangest thing.

And, I'm not just talking about anti-depressants here - I've had a few other problems in life with addiction. Quitting anti-depressants is something I'm comfortable talking about, but the other things... yeah. It's hard.

You want to stop, but the way you try to find the strength and courage to stop is by *not* stopping. As long as certain parts of your brain are lighting up in a way that pleases you, it's easy to tell yourself that you're fine and can quit the next day.

Then the next day comes and goes. Over and over again.

In the worst addiction related event in my life, I think I damn near killed myself. It wasn't until someone else came along and smacked me around that I was able to recover.

One of the hardest things about it is that people think you *wanted* to be that way. Yeah, it's not intelligent to dabble in psychoactive substances, but sometimes life just effing sucks and you don't know how else to deal.

Having gone through what I've gone through, quitting an anti-depressant actually isn't all that bad. It feels like a walk in the park compared to earlier episodes in my life.

The one constant is that, when you're in the middle of any kind of withdrawal, it feels like it's never going to get better. You become hypersensitive to the passage of time, wishing it'd go by just a *tad* quicker than forever.

So, yeah - I agree with you. It's hard, but when you've managed to move on, you're so bloody thankful to have made it through alive and with your mind intact that the desire to seek out unhealthy forms of pleasure diminishes greatly.

For me, anyhow.

I don't expect this'll be the last time in my life that I'll have a problem with some chemical I'm putting into my body, but I *really* hope it is.

Guy -

"Did you get her a prezzie?"

You remembered :)

And, yeah. I went down to Portland, took her out to dinner, and got her a copy of Office Pro for her Mac. She's about to make a big change in her career, and it's put her back in school, which means Word, PowerPoint, and learning to create attachments.

I'd like to have gotten her something more personal, but sometimes getting someone something practical is OK.

"Glad to hear you're doing OK..."

Yeah. Today.

Mood's been all over lately. Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. Might pull the plug on the site, or I might quit my day job to dedicate my life to it.

Feeling out of control.

"I'm anxious to see if sober-Rory is as fun and amusing as cracked-out-Rory."

You'd be surprised - over the four years I've been writing here, I've gone through *many* episodes of substance abuse and brain medication. What I've learned is that I tend to write much better and more often the fewer chemicals are altering the way I think.

People are attracted to different substances based on some pretty basic factors.

Take Robin Williams - long time coke addict, and someone who apparently wanted to have much more energy than his body naturally produced. He was more prolific when on drugs.

I'm the opposite. I can't get my brain to shut up, and sometimes the only way to get relief is to manually turn myself off. For that reason, I go for things that slow me down (in very specific ways, I should add). My natural state is to be a workaholic who sleeps six hours a night. You miss out on a lot of stopping-to-smell-the-roses when you're like that.

What you'll probably find, then, provided I keep writing here (I've been debating with myself over how much time I want to put into the site nowadays - things have changed - people are assholes, and it takes the fun away), frequency of posting should increase. It should also go back to being interesting.

Unfortunately, my happiness seems to be inversely proportional to the degree that I'm interesting.

It makes sense, too. According to some theories, people who are clinically depressed have decreased activity in the left frontal lobe, which, among other things, acts as an outgoing filter. Turning down the activity in that part of the brain seems to open the door to creativity in a lot of people. In my case, it's naturally down. The anti-depressants crank it up and make me "normal."

If history can teach us anything, it's that Rory's brain will do well for a while, but will start to trend downward at some point in the future (as opposed to the past), probably due to some form of stress or trauma.

Can't wait :|

"Take your time reacclimating."

That's kind of what I've been doing, and I'm boooooooored.

There are a lot of reasons I haven't been posting, and withdrawal isn't one of them (the reasons mostly go back to the people-sure-are-assholes theory).

But, all the same, thank you :) I know how you meant it, and, as usual, you're very kind.

Massif -

"Yay! Rory's back (ish) I missed the fine entertainment I get here, so I'm hoping this is the beginning of some sort of resurgence."

As I was telling Guy, there are some very specific reasons I haven't been posting. None of it's a mystery to me. I've still been writing - I just haven't been sharing it.

I might write a post about *that*, as I think it's something that would be of interest to people whether they write or not.

I've just learned a little too much over the years about the human capacity and drive to hurt others. When you live with it on a daily basis (on the receiving end, that is), it's toxic.

I still want to write here. I just can't start regularly posting again until I've come to a decision about whether I'm willing to put up with the negative side of things...

Dan -

"Go do some volunteer work on a regular basis.  Worked wonders for me because I quickly realized in a "splash of cold water in the face" sort of way that I have so much to be greatful for, and my medicate-inducing emotional  pain is petty in comparison."

I've thought about doing that. I give to charity, which makes me feel good, but haven't volunteered as I don't have any skills that would be of much use to people who are probably worried about eating, sleeping, and the other basic requirements of life.

I applied for a part-time job at a local perfume shop, as I *love* fragrances. I love talking about them, helping other people find them... it's something that really makes me happy. It also reminds me of my grandmother, as she's the one who got me hooked on perfume.

It doesn't look like they'll be needing my services at the shop, but I'm going to go back with an offer to work one day each weekend in exchange for one fragrance a month. Even for some higher end items, it'd still be cheap labor for them and a fine hobby for me.

But we shall see...

Mark -

"It's hard for me to view narcotics, parenting or death differently. They share the simple truth that unless you've lived through it yourself, you can't judge others with any perspective (not that you should judge others anyway)."

Oh my god, I love you.

I had problems in the past with drugs, and was shocked at how many "friends" turned away because of it. When I needed help, the people I needed most took what they thought was the moral high ground and punished me for what was already painful. Really odd since they all liked me when they *didn't* know I was on drugs, but as soon as they found out... all over.

People can be so strange.

"I've gone through (and continue to go through) all of the above mentioned personally. For me they share three common elements that need to be addressed before proceeding forward in life in what can be considered any type of healthy lifestyle. These are the physical, mental and spiritual components. The physical component, beleive it or not, is the easiest and shortest to deal with (usually lasting between 7 and 28 days depending on which research you choose to accept). The mental aspect is a variable much harder to define on a human time table and the spiritual component is one hopefully pursued over the course of a lifetime."

Yeah. Given all the problems I've had, I've wound up doing a lot of research, and the research has accurately reflected my own experiences.

People who've never done it think that leaving a substance is as simple as putting it down and walking away. Sure, you'll get the shakes, the dry-heaves, the sweats, or whatever, but once it's over, everybody thinks you're right back to normal.

Never mind that the brain is an extremely plastic structure, constantly changing in the presence of chemicals already present as well as the ones we swallow/snort/slam/absorb/drink/smoke/etc.

Depending on the substance involved, the amount taken, the duration of habitual use, age, and a billion other little details, one person could be fine the next day while another would be screwed for years.

And, because of the stigma associated with these things - even legal psychoactives like anti-depressants - nobody knows a damned thing about what's really going on.

It's *so* frustrating and isolating (as you know).

"Every time I think I've overcome one addiction, something else creeps into my life. I used to think "addiction" only pertained to narcotics but now realize that addiction applies to almost everything in my life (relationships, anger, sex, etc., etc., etc.)"

It's been precisely the same for me.

I once played chess to the exclusion of doing anything else. Did it for months on end. Had to eventually make a serious effort to move on and do something else (like eat dinner, for example).

It's so... bloody... hard.

"My one hope is that I continue learning, recognizing, living, adjusting and talking about these constantly changing elements of my life. There really aren't a whole lot of other options. The more I focus on the mistakes and defects of other people, the more I avoid dealing with my own. I got enough work to do without taking on those of others."

Again, I totally know what you're talking about.

I used to avoid my own problems by highlighting everybody else's, but that's not a sustainable lifestyle, nor is it acceptable. I did it out of ignorance - not realizing the extent to which my behavior affected others.

Negativity seeps into everything. The word my boss, Jeff, used to describe this kind of thing was "toxic."

"Keep on keeping on Rory. The alternatives aren't real pretty!"

I know. I've considered the alternatives a bit too much.

Looking for something happy-making right now that doesn't involve destroying a relationship or my body or [insert thing here].

Thanks for writing, though - it's always comforting to hear that someone else understands what you're going through.

Rory, I'd be delighted to hear you talk about perfume and be your first customer. Can't you apply in Paris? I'm sure you'd be a hit. ;)

And I'm glad you're doing fine with your weaning.

I'd call myself compulsive, but not addicted to anything more hazardous than video games. I've supposed all these years that this means I can count myself sublimely lucky.

But now what your boss Jeff has used the word "toxic", I can't get Britney Spears music out of my head. Thank him for me, willya? With knuckles? ;-p

Blue -

"Rory, I'd be delighted to hear you talk about perfume and be your first customer. Can't you apply in Paris? I'm sure you'd be a hit. ;)"

Ohhhhh, I'd love to do that... When I lived in Paris, it wasn't under the best circumstances. To go back and actually have a little money would be nice.

But, believe it or not, Portland (my hometown) has one of the world's largest perfume shops.

They measure it in terms of the number of "real" perfumes - not synthetic fragrances that are neon pink and smell like bubble gum, but the good stuff.

There are Faberge eggs all over the place, and the store has been repeatedly selected for some pretty nifty kick-off events.

Amouage and Rance have both used the store as a launching point for certain fragrances. It was even the first store *in the world* to have sold Le Vainqueur and Josephine. I'd love to work there, but I'm not even remotely qualified :|

The store here in town, though, is in dire need of someone who gives a damn. I went in there once to buy an Amouage fragrance, and the lady tried to sell me the *tester*.

Half the fun of buying something by Amouage is the gilted French lead crystal bottle. Without it, I'd feel cheated. It'd be like trying to sell me a Prada shirt or jacket without the little red strip with the company's name on it. Without that strip, I could get the same shirt or jacket for hundreds less, but I suspect the strip is what gets you laid, so it's pretty important.

They need help at the local store. They don't even have any Amouage inventory, which bugs the hell out of me since Amouage is probably my favorite house. When I had to choose between giving the store up here my money for a bottle that'd have to be mailed in (I obviously wasn't too keen on buying the tester), or driving three hours south to buy a bottle from my favorite shop, the choice was easy.

Wow.

(Pausing to think about what it is in me that drives me to write these long meandering responses that are often longer than the posts themselves.)

Um.

That concludes my speech on how bloody fantastic The Perfume House down in Portland is :)

Rob -

"I'd call myself compulsive, but not addicted to anything more hazardous than video games. I've supposed all these years that this means I can count myself sublimely lucky."

That counts, yo.

Video games, chess, snorting bleach... anything that triggers some reward system in your brain (or destroys it).

Lately, for example, regardless of what time I get up or where I am, I can't eat anything unless I've first eaten a cinammon scone from Starbucks.

What's really awful is that I don't think I even *like* scones from Starbucks. I also don't feel right about calling them "scones," but I don't know what else they could be... little triangular cakes, maybe.

If the Starbucks I go to doesn't have one, then I have to go to the next. If I check three stores and none of them has a cinammon scone, then I'll permit myself to eat an almond twist in place, but I don't like to let it come to that. I'd rather just have my damned scone and get it over with.

I'm at my desk at work right now, and I'm flanked by an empty Starbucks bag and a half-eaten thing of pad-see-ew. I didn't finish my lunch because I preceded it with the scone.

I'm out of control. I'm going to die penniless and alone.

I don't remember anymore why I'm writing all of this.

I think my point was that Starbucks scones should be called Starbucks Triangular Cakes. That's *way* catchier than "scone," and also much closer to the reality.

With my point made, I shall now move on.

Hiya Ror, Thanks for that posting-definitely made my day and quite a few to come. I'm very proud of you and of what you've accomplished vis-a-vis your health in the last few months. My birthday  was a hard one for the reasons we talked about,  but things feel a lot better today. Guess what-I posted my first assignment on line-getting accustomed  to using the computer for this sort of thing will be the hardest part of taking the course, but it's already gotten much easier. OK, I have to go teach, a bien tot Fils!, love, YO MAMA

My poor husband is going through the opposite. SSRI adjustment. He turned up at my work place today as grey as it's possible to look whilst still being alive. He's having heart palpitations and seeing spots, but the Dr says that's normal. Frikken weird idea of normal if you ask me.
As far as the OCD scone eating goes. Ew. Replace it with something that actually tastes good! Although, I realise that's really not the point.
Hang in there. You're doing a good thing for yourself.

OOhh.. Scones.

Dammit! Now I want a cream tea. Do you yanks even do scones properly? (In fact, does anyone outside of Devon do scones properly?) Can you even get decent clotted cream outside of Devon and Cornwall?

Mm... Devon Cream Tea

http://www.east-devon-guide.com/cream-tea.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clotted_Cream

There's a tea house near-ish to where I grew up that serve the clotted cream in 9" stacks in dishes the size of ash-trays. (Between two.) That's a hell of a lot of cream, and if you haven't cycled the 10 miles to get there then you'll probably die of guilt if your arteries don't collapse first.

While I'm hankering for food from the fine county I grew up in, does anyone else have apple pie with cheddar on top? That's so awesome, (cheese goes on before you bake the pie, so you get a crusty tangy layer on the top... Don't use too much, it's not a friggin' pizza) Apparantly cheese on apple pie makes me a freak, but I can't be the only one can I?

Awww... Now I've made myself hungry.

[Rory](Pausing to think about what it is in me that drives me to write these long meandering responses that are often longer than the posts themselves.) [/Rory]

[Rory]I don't remember anymore why I'm writing all of this.[/Rory]

Well well well. As a message from a genuine misanthrope to a wanna-be-one: the reason you're writing these responses is that you don't really believe in your own people-sure-are-assholes theory. You like people. You like Blue. You like Rob. Heck, you might even like me. You like communicating with us. And you know - you _know_ - that we outnumber the trolls, the well-pissers, the poisonous rectum pills, by 1000:1.

So there you go. Get with it.

- Punky, thank you for pointing out an important fact. We, the nice people, outnumber the trolls here.

- Rory, all of us may not tend to write kilometric posts (sorry, I have a hang-up about writing in English, especially to someone as sensitive to quality writing as you), but the overwhelming majority of your readers -whatever silent they might be - like you and wish you well. So it's nice to see you bother to reply generously our humble posts. ;)

Hey Rory, glad to see you're well on the road to recovery. Just thought I'd let you know that I named my cat after you.

Very little at Starbucks appeals to me. I can't bring myself to buy those dinky little pastries because they all cost three dollars or more. Everything at Starbucks seems to cost three dollars or more, except the Tazo infusions. And they cost almost two dollars.

And I can go to Safeway and get the Tazo's for half the cost. To Target for a hot water machine which pays for itself in Starbucks savings in, like, half a visit.

I'm sorry man, but when the revolution comes, Starbucks will be first against the wall.

Thanks for saying Video Games count. I remember being very young, and getting the shakes at the 7-11 down the road from my house, but only after all the quarters were gone. I ran home that day and confessed sins to my parents.

They understood. I learned later that my ancestors were horse race gamblers. Augh!

"I'm at my desk at work right now, and I'm flanked by an empty Starbucks bag and a half-eaten thing of pad-see-ew. I didn't finish my lunch because I preceded it with the scone."

I missed that sentence the first time around!

Pad see ew. MMMMMmmMmMmMMmMm!!!!!111!!!ONE!!11!1!TWO!11!!

Another addiction of mine is Asian Food. Sometimes it gets so bad I use a cheap conveyor belt sushi place. The chain that's been on the news for health code violations here in Portland area.

But you're right! Don't even ever *try* to combine that stuff with overpriced pastries!

Rory, you are one fascinating dude.  I'm getting insights from you that I don't get anywhere else.  Keep on truckin'.

One of the things that I have learned as I have grown up (those who know me might argue that I have merely gotten older) is that people with average, normal lives don't have a freaking clue what life outside the comfort zone is like. Most of them don't even know that they don't even know.

I won't pretend to understand what it is like to be in the grasp of an addicition. I have been lucky. I have, however, had periods in my life in which things had to go the way I wanted them to go or I would melt down in spectacular fashion, so I can empathize with that, in kind if not so much in degree.

All this is by way of saying several things:

1) Don't listen to people who make a habit of judging you. Even if the judgments are positive, the metamessage -- "I have the right to rule on the fitness of your life" -- is destructive. If you can avoid them, avoid them. If you can't, make a mental (or actual) note that they are judgers and you need not pay attention to their opinions.

1a) The above note, sadly, does not apply to bosses.

2) I first came here because I listened to the podcast and wanted to know more about the demented genius behind it. I'm very glad I did. I have enjoyed your writing. I would like to see more, but only if you are comfortable sharing it.

3) Life is way, WAY too short to spend time engaged in debate with assholes. The way to deal with someone who makes an assholish comment is assume a flat affect, say "Whatever" with as bored a voice as you can manage, turn on your heel, and walk away. People are assholes because they get a rise out of making other people dance on their strings. Don't be a puppet; be a real boy.

(Wow, was THAT lame. Sorry.)

Good luck to you, dude.

Massif:
You can get a proper scone (pronounced "on" not "own") down here in New Zealand. MMmmmmm with jam, not sure if we do clotted cream, usually its whipped or double. OOOooo warm with butter....drool.
I love scones and tea!!!
Starbucks scones are completely gross though.

If it comes wrapped in sticky plastic, I say it's not a pastry. Spending more than US $0.50 for such a thing is a crying shame.