My sister and I have been writing back and forth about what to do to fix all my crazy.

She thinks I should start giving things to people who need things. She says that it makes people feel better about themselves. My shrink says the same thing. While I think they might both be right, neither was especially clear on which people wind up feeling better about themselves. Given that I'd be handing money over to someone who's just going to run off and buy food with it, I don't see what I have to gain.

Anyway, it's been done. People have been giving things to people who need things for a long time. What they don't do is give things to someone who might need things someday. Someone we all cherish. Someone whose first name starts with a "J" and whose last name starts with a "B."

Someone who played the foxiest Vulcan ever seen anywhere except maybe in some of those fanfic Star Trek shows where they've got more hotties than they can handle.

That's why I'm creating the Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock. In anticipation of Jolene's rainy days, whenever they may be, we'll do whatever we can to preserve the Jolene Blalock way of life.

Forever.

I would totally lick Jolene Blalock's entire face. Then I'd do it again.
I'd keep doing it until I was out of spit, and then I'd start
borrowing spit from other people so I could keep going. That's
how much of her face I would totally lick.

Think about it.

Consider these statistics that I've compiled based on extensive research:

- Number of people in the world who need things: Approx. 5 billion

- Number of Jolene Blalocks (who matter): Approx. 1

- Number of manatees: At least fifty

- Your favorite color: Teal

If anything, I think we need to stop encouraging people to need things by giving them things when they need them. If we stopped giving things away, then they'd all be forced to get jobs, and then they'd learn the value of a dollar (or a rupee, or a drachma, or whatever currency they use in their countries (assuming they have currency)). They also might just die off, in which case they'd learn the value of exactly nothing.

Also, people who like underwater are always bitching about saving the manatees. "Oh, save the manatees" this and "Oh, save the manatees" that. I'm given to understand that there are TENS of manatees in the world. What's the big deal? Even if they don't mate, they'll last another few years (AT LEAST). And who's going to take care of them? You? Yeah. This is looking really well thought out...

NOT! Ha ha. NOT!!!

Seriously. All this hubub for a stupid fish.

Unlike the comparatively spoiled manatees, there's only one Jolene Blalock left in the wild. There are those who have suggested that we bring her into captivity for her own protection, but Jolene Blalock is known to be far less likely to mate with another Jolene Blalock if there are dozens of people watching. It's moot anyway, though, 'cause there's only the one Jolene Blalock left. There's a cloning effort underway right now, and if there's ever a chance to watch two Jolene Blalocks mate, then you'll be the first to know. How do I know you're going to be the first? Probably because you're going to receive our spam at about the same time as the other fourteen million people who'd like to watch Jolene Blalock try to mate with Jolene Blalock.

Even worse, if we don't act now to preserve the Jolene Blalock way of life, Jolene Blalock might go extinct before she's even had the chance to dump her husband and marry me.

Actual quote by Jolene Blalock.

Go to a mirror - yes - go to a mirror right now - no, not really right now - you have to finish reading this post first - but, if you promise to come back, then you can go to a mirror right now - but first, let me tell you what to do when you get there - if you go before I tell you, then you're going to get there and be really confused, and then you're going to come back and read the next part that contains the instructions for what you're supposed to do in front of the mirror, and then you're going to feel STUUUUPID - OHHHHHH - STUUUUUUUUUPID.

OK, so we've established that you're going to go to the mirror, but not until you get my directions. For dramatic reasons, I must begin the next section with that "Go to a mirror" line (it's what they use for charity stuff on TV), but you need to WAIT until I've given you directions. This is getting really complicated, and there's no reason for it. Get it together. Do you want to watch a couple Jolene Blalocks try to mate in captivity or not?

(Here we go.)

Go to a mirror, look yourself in the eye (or, if you have both, you can look into your eyes, but don't make a big deal out of it, 'cause it'll upset all the one-eyed people out there, and then they'll try to attack you, but they'll miss because they don't have any depth-perception, and that'll be funny), and ask yourself if you can go another day just conveniently turning a blind eye to Jolene Blalock (if you only have one eye, then the job of figuring out which eye to blind will be a lot easier, so count your lucky stars (however few they might be - c'mon - you're missing an eye - your lucky stars have clearly been problematic)).

OK. You should be at the mirror now. If you aren't, then effing go there. Come back when you feel guilty.

You back? You must be if you're reading this.

I'll bet some of you looked in the mirror, but failed to see the guilty you looking back. Without being able to see the guilty you, it's going to be hard for us to pump you for cash.

That's fine. If you can't find it in your shriveled little heart to spring a few dollars of love for the Blalock, then that's all right. Somebody had to be an asshole. Guess what - it's you! Ha ha. LOL.

Her hair is wet to this day. Only you can change that.

Now that the need for a Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock has been well established, let's talk charter.

First off, the Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock is a for profit company. This is because there isn't much we could do for Jolene if it were a non-profit. That's the mistake most charities make - it's like they plan for failure. But guess what - business class 101 - YOU NEED PROFITS TO BUY A CORVETTE IN WHICH TO SAVE THE MANATEES. IDIOT.

Your donations will be entirely taxable. This way nobody can claim that the only reason you're giving to the Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock is to get out of having to pay taxes. Bill Gates already cornered the market on that business model with his little "foundation" that only gives something like $2,000,000 a day to charity. THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF TAX SHELTER YOU'RE BUILDING THERE, GATES. OOOOOOK - YOU WANT TO SAVE PEOPLE - RIGHT. IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE THE ONLY THING YOU'RE INTERESTED IN SAVING IS MONEY BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE A MILLION BILLION DOLLARS SO THE PEOPLE WHO SAY YOU ONLY GIVE TO CHARITY TO SAVE ON TAXES ARE OBVIOUSLY VERY SMART AND ALSO CORRECT.

The Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock is untainted by such falsities. We're proud of our for-profit status, and you all know Jolene Blalock is, too.

If we're all seeing eye to eye on this important detail, then perhaps we should talk turkey:

1. The Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock pledges to collect money for as long as it takes. We aren't going to stop just because our offices are overflowing with gold dubloons. When our incomeomometer rolls over another million dollars, are we going to pat ourselves on the back and go home? NO - we're going to keep on collecting. That's how dedicated we are to the preservation of Jolene Blalock.

2. The Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock will set aside 5% of income each year to put toward a fund to support Jolene Blalock in the event that she ever falls on hard times. The other 95% will go to overhead and whatever pittance I give myself as a salary.

3. If you are Jolene Blalock, and if you need help being preservationed, then we're here to help. We'll provide you with the necessary five-ton limestone disc upon which to carve, in Sanskrit, a requisition for funds needed. Your request will be observed before a council of elders. If your needs are deemed sufficient for financial aid to maintain your Jolene Blalockness, then we will present you with whatever quantity of money we feel will get you back on your feet. This could be as much as twenty dollars. (These statements are made for informational purposes only and do not reflect the current, past, present, future, or right now opinions of the Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock Council of Elders. Information is provided AS-IS and confers no rights, warranties, or guarantees of any kind. Also, if you do not comply with this parenthetical statement to the full extent the law allows, we'll sue your ass back to the effing stone age.)

Just remember one thing:

Where were you when Jolene Blalock needed your help?

If you have the brain power to remember a second thing, then make it this:

For just seventy cents, you can provide Jolene Blalock with one cup of staple food per day. (The Society for the Preservation of Jolene Blalock does not guarantee delivery of said cup of staple food. If you're worried about it not getting to her, then might we suggest you purchase two? It doubles your chances that she might not receive anything.)

The pot smokers are probably ruled out at this point in the memory thing, but the rest of you can probably stuff one more thing into your noggins:

For all you know, Jolene Blalock is RIGHT NOW setting up a Society for the Preservation of Everybody Who Isn't Jolene Blalock. You're going to feel like an asshole if you don't do a little something for her, too, yeah? Yeah.

Remember that only you can ensure that when Jolene Blalock maybe needs something someday that it maybe gets to her.

In closing, I present to you Jolene Blalock making one last appeal for a mere 80% of your gross income:

I'd lick her face here, too. Oooh, yeah.