[*beep* *bop* *boop* *beep* *beep* *beep* *bwoop* *bwop* *boop* *boop*]

[*ring* *ring* *click*]

Hello, and thank you for calling Your Crappy Bank. Your business is very important to us which is why we are going to put you on hold and play some silly music. Your estimated wait time is two minutes.

[Entirety of a latin muzak version of "She Bangs" plays.]

If you would like this call to continue in Arabic, please say wahid or press wahid now. Otherwise, please stay on the line so that we can play some more silly music.

[Old crap duet of "The Green Grass of Home" as performed by Tina Turner and Tiny Tim - extraordinarily irritating alliteration of names included at no extra cost.]

If you have called Your Crappy Bank before, then please listen carefully because our menu options have changed. I repeat - our menu options have changed. Please do not attempt to use any fancy automated dialing technology to make your way through this call as our menu options, as noted earlier, have most definitely changed. That is to say, they are not what they were the last time you called, provided the last time you called was 14.25 days ago, and given call statistics that we have compiled since the commencement of operation of this line sometime last year, we have determined that it is highly unlikely that you have called more recently than that, and so we feel compelled to warn you, in case you missed the message earlier, that our menu options have changed.

Wait - I think menu options are about to change again.

Yep - I was right. Menu options are currently changing. Please wait for our menu options to change. And give it a couple extra minutes just in case there's a last minute change because somebody made a mistake. That happens.

While you wait, we will place you on hold. You will hear a buzzing noise accompanied by intermittent clicking noises that might lead you to believe we've hung up on you. We don't like to think of it as hanging up on you. Rather, we see it as you prematurely losing faith in our system. All we're asking of you is a little patience while we change a few menu options.

Please hold harder. The menu options that were recently changed were changed while they were being changed. Please wait while we change them back. You have our apologies. Hold while we transfer you to static.

[Thirty-eight minutes of static and suspicious clicking sounds.]

If you would like this call to continue in Arabic, please say wahid or press wahid now. Otherwise, please stay on the line so that we can play some more silly music.

[Entirety of a latin muzak version of "She Bangs" plays. Again.]

Hello, and welcome to Your Crappy Bank. Your Crappy Bank is happy as all get out that you called today. As a token of our appreciation, we would like to extend to you the opportunity to sign up for our Your Crappy Credit Card with a low introductory rate of 28% for the first nine days and 72% for each day thereafter. You will have your exciting chance to take advantage of this exciting opportunity, but first, we at Your Crappy Bank would like to notify you that you, along with everybody else who calls, have been randomly selected to participate in a customer service survey questionnaire. You will be automatically transferred to the survey at the end of this call unless you recite pi to the thirtieth digit within the next three seconds.

.

.

.

Thank you for agreeing to participate in our survey. Please hold while I transfer your call to our main menu. You have been automatically signed up for our Your Crappy Credit Card. Congratulations, and have a nice day from all of us at Your Crappy Bank.

To continue, press one.

To continue, press one.

To continue-

[*boop*]

I'm sorry. You didn't press one.

To continue, press one.

To-

[*boop*]

Thank you. You pressed one, but we don't think you pressed it long enough.

To continue, press one longer.

To continue, press-

[*booooooooop*]

Thank you. You held one down for too long, and you wasted electricity on our end doing it. We estimate the cost of the electricity to be $622.97. The entire balance will be taken from the credit line on your Your Crappy Credit Card. You can enjoy paying off this amount at our introductory rate of only 28% for the first nine days. Congratulations!

[*booooooop*]

The system has determined that you are incapable of pressing one for the proper duration. However, we haven't given up on you. Please try your luck with pushing two.

To continue, press two.

To c-

[*boooop*]

You're hopeless. Please wait while we transfer you to one of our attendants.

Your call is important to us. Please hold. Your estimated wait time is infinity minutes.

While you wait, have you considered signing up for our Your Crappy Credit Card? Our program allows happy customers who already have a Your Crappy Credit Card to have a second Your Crappy Credit Card that allows you to charge one thing to two cards simultaneously. The joy you derive from purchasing items with your Your Crappy Credit Card will now be doubled. Thank you for signing up for a second Your Crappy Credit Card! Your balance is currently $1,245.94 and rising!

Oh, yeah - what were you calling about, again?

[*boop*]

I'm sorry. That option is not recognized by our system. Rest assured that the option exists. We just don't feel like recognizing it at the moment. Try something else.

[*boop*]

What are you doing, Dave?

[*boop*]

I can't let you do that, Dave...

[Computer voice starts singing "A Bicycle Built for Two."]

[*BOOP* *BOOP* BOOOOOOOP*]

I can't let you do that, Dave...

[Computer flushes you out the airlock. You die. Have a nice day.]