COMMENTS WORK NOW. FOR REAL.

I remind you that "TENNIS BALLS OH DANG" is one of the officially sanctioned Neopoleon.com safe expletives, meant to replace other words that would smart a tender ear. Words such as those beginning with "f" and "s" - tender ears such as yours.

Because of this willful self-censorship, your higher cognitive functions are safe from cacophonous assault on your hearing organs by those who would endeavor to shock you with such harsh words as would make the cilia in your cochlea stand on end.

Explaining what "TENNIS BALLS OH DANG" means might take much longer than it would if I simply nailed you with a proper naughty word and waited for you to get over it, but we're about quantity over quality here in County Neopoleon. Or quality over quantity. Or whichever makes us look good. At the end of the day, all that matters is that one of those "q" words dominates the other, pins it down, and punches it in the face until the "q" becomes more like an "l" (depending on typeset). That's what we like around here: Hardcore alphabet violence. Hang around long enough, and your screen will bleed ink.

I'd like to stop right now to say that: I TOTALLY AM TOO MAKING SENSE. SHUT UP.

With the explanation of my safe expletive and love for letter fights out of the way, I'll get to the reason I'm writing to you here today.

I give it to you in a little poem I wrote:

I AM SORRY EVEN THOUGH I AM AWESOME

You like to comment on my site

Whether dawn or dusk or day or night

But I broke it good on Thursday night

And it stayed broke like a alphabet fight at night

Then my cousin did mine honor slight

When his wife could not post her comment right

And I scratched my head to muster might

That I may fix this thingy right

Then I checked a setting for my site

And I was all TENNIS BALLS OH DANG

Those of you who appreciate the fine arts may like a little peek behind the scenes at what it took to write this poem.

Basically, I picked my subject, thought of some words, and then chose the well loved, but very difficult (for expert poets only) "a/a/a/a/a/a/a/a/a/b" rhyming scheme. This is how Homer wrote The Iliad, but there's a major worldwide conspiracy of academics who maintain, despite all evidence to the contrary, that he wrote in dactylic hexameter, which is STUPID because only some dumb GREEK guy would have written like that, and as we all know, Homer's work is published in ENGLISH or so says my Penguin Classics edition of "Homer: Selected Poems - Annotated and Translated by Richmond Lattimore." Is "Richmond" a GREEK name? I think not.

Looks like we're solving all kinds of problems around here today. That's what we're about in County Neopoleon: Stopping problems. To balance things out, we also start a few from time to time, but one must reseed the hilltop after clearing it for lumber.

But enough about our community service.

I wrote this to apologize to all of you (except for the spammers - I'd like to strap you all into the Neopoleon Irritation Machine which will, for eternity, poke you repeatedly and at random intervals in uncomfortable areas with several mechanical fingers so that you finally understand a little what it's like to deal with your "business offers" on a daily, hourly basis - the machine will also speak to you throughout the day in a nonsensical dialect wherein phrases such as "I IS BOYFRIEND'S BIGGER MUSCLE BOBBIN" and "HAVE IT TRIED YOU C!@L!$ ON YOUR DUNG POWDER?" are standard issue).

I am apologizing because I broke post comments. I was trying to tighten things down due to a sudden jump in spammer activity (I mentioned these guys in the last paragraph), but I seem to have tightened things a little too much.

I was wondering why I wasn't getting any email from the site. No comments, no spam - nothing.

Well, it has been fixed, and my site should no longer be stopping you from commenting on this or that or trying to sell me a very specific type of vasodilator.

I thank and warn you all (I sometimes forget what I've put in a letter, so I like to sign off in a way that covers my ass).

Peace be with you, and I wish you maximum childbirth in your family unit (that's something people want, right?),

- Rory

- Mayor of County Neopoleon

- PR Agent for County Neopoleon

- County Neopoleon Poet Laureate

- Victim