Things happened.

You like that? I spin a riveting tale.

But, no, for real, things happened.

Unless something has changed, Neopoleon.com (hereafter referred to as "my stupid site") is currently a second page search result for "Jolene Blalock." The impact of this relatively high relevance result in Jolene Blalock's cyberworld is going to turn the Jolene Blalock entertainment industry on its ear.

Nothing will ever be the same again. Take a few photos of September, 2007, 'cause it's going to be a very different tomorrow, and I'm not just talking about it being a different day with a different name and a different number and totally different space-time variables for all involved - I mean that the way people perceive Jolene Blalock as her person relates to my stupid site (hereafter referred to as "Neopoleon.com") is going to be like taking an innocent child and letting him get sucked into one of the turbine engines of a 747.

Well. I think I could have put that a little more elegantly - even made sense of it - but what's done is done, and we're all psychologically screwed for it, so let's just continue. Hold the hand of the person next to you if you're afraid. If the person next to you is a leper, then leave the room and try to figure out how in the hell a leper got in there.

All right - let's take inventory. So far we have several lines, three paragraphs, celebrity armageddon, death by 747, torment of the psyche, and an untold quantity of very unexpected lepers.

Things happened.

Unless something has changed, Jolene Blalock isn't the only bad-ass result I've got chalked up to Neopoleon.com (hereafter referred to as "Gandalf the Friendly Wizard"). Uh-huh. Yeah. You know it. I've got it. I'm livin' in it. I drive it to work. I feed it oatmeal. I don't know what the feck I'm talking about. But I'll keep going. Like nothing happened. Act casual. And now there's no way to stop it gracefully. So maybe I'll just switch on you. Oh, yeah. Just-

Although it's not as hardcore awesome to the maximum with powdered sugar on top and on other interesting things as having a second page search result, I do currently have a third page result for Gigi Edgley. Unlike Jolene Blalock, Gigi Edgley (I sprinkle their names on Gandalf the Friendly Wizard liberally as I am leaving a gumdrop trail for the search engine monster) will not, in cahoots with Gandalf the Friendly Wizard, alter the future history of mankind forever and ever unless somebody invents a time machine and deletes us first.

A third page result isn't exactly a chart topper, but I have great confidence in Gandalf the Friendly Wizard to upgrade that result from cool to DYN-O-MITE with a little time.

Aright. Let's take inventory once more: We've got the first half of the post which was action filled as all get out, and now we have Gigi Edgley, a web site named Gandalf the Friendly Wizard, the ramblings of a very handsome madman, a trap for the search engine monster, and a Time War in which some idiot crusader ends me before I begin.

Can you argue now? Can you honestly say that things happened not?

Oh, no, my eager little eyeballs on the other side of the screen, things did, most definitely, happen.

If you continue in your obstinacy to reject the Truth as it has been set forth here for your consumption, then you know what? You know who you are? You're that one person at the party who wakes up in the morning under a coffee table and says, "What happened?" That's who you are. And I know, because I was that guy, and the reason I always sought out coffee tables under which to pass out is that they provided good cover from many sources of danger. The situation was made worse if you accidentally chose a glass-topped coffee table, but even though it was a mistake, it's really a very nice view. (Until some jack-ass does a backflip onto the thing.)

It's settled, then; things happened.

Here's a thought - another in a long line of brilliant ideas that have thus far served me in no other way than to use up real estate in my mind - but what if I sold space on my site? Not like a regular ad, but for other people like me who get a tickle when it looks like there's a possibility that a lovely TV lady (or man - whatever you're into) might stumble across your message.

See, imagine if Jolene Blalock is out there one day on her 4,000 CPU linux cluster, searching for stuff about herself on the net. If she takes the minimal effort required to move to the second page of results, then she might click on mine. And then she'd see how I, a loving fan, proposed a foundation that existed only to make my her life way better.

And what if Gigi Edgley, one fine day, wanders out to page three of her results and finds the post in which I suggested that she was killing me in the accompanying photo? What then?

Well, they'd sue me. I just realized that.

Never mind about that business idea. Scratch it.

But at least they'll find me before they take me down, and, when I'm in prison, I can say, "Wow. I met the legal representation for Jolene Blalock and Gigi Edgley," and then I can also ask my cellmate, "Why is there only one bunk?"

OK. This is starting to sound like it might be unsafe to the Kingdom of Rory.

Thanks, Gandalf the Friendly Wizard. YOU SET ME UP. Now I've got all kinds of showbiz attorneys after me.

You think... you think that's cool, Gandalf the Friendly Wizard (hereafter referred to as "Gandalf the Asshole Wizard")?

Well, Gandalf the Asshole Wizard, I'll have the last laugh! I've only paid in advance for three years of web hosting! When the webman comes-a-knockin'...

...I'M NOT GONNA RENEW! Yeah! Oh, stick that where your weird balls-of-lightning spells don't shine!

You thought you had won, Gandalf the Asshole Wizard, but while I'm in prison, you'll be well on your way to not being renewed!

Thanks, ladies and gents - you have just witnessed a man defeat his own web site in a dangerous game of intellectual fisticuffs.

And so...

Things happened.

Just like I said.

Good night, people I don't know.

Good night!