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Hey, criminal! STOP!

My night can't continue until I've evicted the angry little thoughts that are cluttering my mind.

I want to know - nay, need to know - why there are two (2) constants in movies and television that are A) stupid, and B) stupid.

The First Stupid

You're watching a show that has a bit of the action in it. I don't mean "The Top Ten Things I'd Like Jolene Blalock to Do with My Bellybutton" action. Nope. I'm talking about guys with guns shooting at other guys with guns.

My work chum Laurence Moroney lent me The 4400 to help bring me down slowly from my Farscape withdrawals. I like the show and stuff, but I just watched a scene that I think has been in every single adrenaline-y show ever.

There's a bad guy. There's a good guy. The good guy is looking for the bad guy. The bad guy exits a building roughly fifty feet from the good guy. The good guy sees the bad guy, but the bad guy doesn't see the good guy.

So, does the good guy take advantage of the situations? Does he use surprise to gain the upper-hand? No. He yells, "HEY, YOU! STOP!"

This bad guy just tried to assassinate some important somebody. Do you really think he's going to stop in his tracks and give up just because you told him to?

Oh, curses! Apprehended by a capable lawman! I rue the day I began tying women to train tracks so I could laugh at them while twiddling my evil moustache...

It's like those shoplifter detector things at the store. Most of the time it's people who haven't stolen anything who set the things off. But, if you do happen to be a legitimate shoplifter, then are you going to stop in your tracks when the alarm goes off?

Oh, fie and fie upon it! Caught so early in the game. How embarrassing it shall be to have to tell the other members of the Shoplifter Club that I only made it to the door. Who knows how much farther I would have had to run to make it outside and to my freedom. How, I wonder, were they able, with nothing more than a sound, to imprison me within those gates. These are mysteries man was not meant to know.

They're every bit as effective as car alarms; they irritate the hell out of all the innocent bystanders, and the (smart) criminals always get away.

A car alarm doesn't say "STOP!" - it says "RUN!"

Why, then... why would it ever be smart to order a criminal to stop where he is when you have the element of surprise?

Do hunters call out to deer?

"HEY, DEER! STOP RIGHT THERE SO I CAN BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF, YOU SONOFABITCH!"

If you were a deer, would you stop? I mean, aside from the obvious language barrier evident in this example.

I don't know. Maybe it's me, but there's a universal quality to really loud noises that just doesn't compel me to do anything other than spring away like a gazelle with fire-ants crawling all over its bottom.

Next time, Mr. Macho Cop Man, just shoot the bastard. When he's down, you can stroll on over, point at him, laugh, and then you can say, "Stop! Ho-ho!"

The Second Stupid

I think every actor does this from time to time. I try to pretend that Jolene Blalock and Gigi Edgley don't, but I'm sure they do. I can still have my dorky sci-fi chick crush on 'em. It's cool.

When you see a couple actors in an intensely dramatic scene, and when they're staring at each other face to face, watch their eyes. When an actor wants to express deeply felt emotion, he or she starts looking side to side - OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then go pop some fairly recent DVD into the ol' player and watch for it. When you spot it, you'll know what I'm talking about. You'll also never be able to watch anything ever again without noticing it. I'm dragging you down with me, pal. Welcome to hell.

I'm hoping that the next serious relationship I have turns out well (hey - these meds rock), but I've been in that intense face to face situation on far too many occasions, and I can't think of a single bloody time when her eyes were darting side to side - OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

No matter how intense it got, eyes were either in the standard forward position, or they were off to the side. It usually depended on how much lying there was. More lying, more looking off to the side. But at least you knew what it meant. If she had started that irritating side to side thing, I probably would have thought it was a seizure. And, to be honest, a seizure might have been a nice break in the fighting, but my point is that it never happened. No shifty eyes; no seizure. No brief respite from the pain.

Do any of you do this shifty eye thing? If so, why? Who was the thespian who first thought that shifty eyes were the best way to dig your little actor self into a hole deep enough for you and your Oscar?

This is the one place George Lucas can help us. Only he can go back through the entire catalogue of film and television and use his computer trickery to modify everything ever made and stop those damned eyeballs from shifting. From darting. From making everybody think you're having a seizure.

In Conclusion

Stop doing these two things.

Published Thursday, September 27, 2007 11:21 PM by Rory

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Comments

 

Kevin Daly said:

I hope this isn't true, but could the shifty eye thing be um, er, you know...reading a teleprompter?

The supermarkets here had a really dumb idea for deterring shoplifters a few years ago: cardboard cut-outs of policemen.
I can only assume they had secret statistics that proved that most shoplifting is done by intellectually challenged one-eyed chihuahuas (since to be given pause by the cardboard faux-cops you'd have to be lacking depth perception, unable to see colours and let's face it,  not very bright)
September 27, 2007 11:58 PM
 

snowstorm said:

Sorry, Rory, it 's the other way around. Shifty-eyed intense moments are real life. The actors have it nailed. I hate to tell you, but your intimate sessions have actually been faked by your partners - the way it happens on the big screen is what happens in real life. So when you meet that special someone, and her eyes start dancing from side to side - you'll know she's _the one_.
September 28, 2007 3:58 AM
 

Zer0Mass said:

You know there is one danger to having Lucas change all of those pieces.  He may just change all of the guns to potatoes or something; and the explosions would somehow be made "kid friendly".  The only way to get him to do it right would be to give him a budget of 5 dollars.

Damnit, Han shot first!!
September 28, 2007 7:24 AM
 

Massif said:

That's it?

Are you not concerned that cars explode the moment anything bad has happened to them? Or that the ones which don't explode on impact are completely bullet proof? Or that computers all have programs installed on them which give access to the pentagon if only you can get past the big "enter password" screen. Or that people have sex without sweating at all? Or that no-one ever seems to go to a bar, have a drink with their friends, and go home happily? Are you not concerned that people drink and eat all the time, but almost never go to the toilet? That people only ever split up with their partners because of a case of mistaken identity? That hundreds of people can die, but as long as no-one knows their names THEY DON'T MATTER? That funny people are all insecure jerks? (Seriously, name a funny character on TV who isn't in some way insecure.) It doesn't worry you that all men on TV are idiots, with no means of relating to their friends and family? Or that good looking people with no visible means of income all have really nice apartments?

There are so many things that worry me about TV and Movies that your shifty left right eye thing hardly has room in my consciousness to sit down, it just has to hide in the corner looking awkward.

Hell, I just thought of that last one on my list, and now it's really really worrying me.

Also, someone should take all the movie equipment away from Lucas, not employ him to do anything else.

My own abuse of grammar is worrying me now though, so I shall cease and desist.
September 28, 2007 8:24 AM
 

Frick said:

Ebert has a catalog of hundreds of the stupids.  Beware, once you start reading these, you won't be able to stop until you read them all.

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?category=GLOSSARY
September 28, 2007 8:50 AM
 

Zer0Mass said:

Massif - I can think of one show that implied that someone had taken a piss, Firefly.  And thats really the only one.
September 28, 2007 9:16 AM
 

Astrid said:

I've definitely noticed (and have been irked by) the shifty eye thing, and I've always wondered if I've done it myself.  I've also wondered if I've been with people who were doing it, and I was just standing too close to them to notice...?  Curious.

I'd like to add a Third Stupid, which I couldn't find in the magical Ebert glossary:

What is up with actors fondling photographs of loved ones?  This one drives me BONKERS.  There's no reason to smudge up a perfectly good photo, or at the very least the protective glass in a picture frame.  Besides, it's not like photos have contours embedded in them, so that by fondling the face of your dead grandmother, you can actually FEEL HER FACE.  Gah.
September 28, 2007 5:47 PM
 

Bernard Marx said:

My ex-girlfriend would do the shifty eye thing.  It meant something was bothering her, but that she wasn't about to tell you what it was.

Maybe she belongs in the movies.  Maybe it is some selective genetic trait that is common among movie acting-type peoples.
September 29, 2007 8:44 AM
 

Yuvi said:

I am starting to sound formulaic, but the only thing that I see on TV here, every friggin single time, is:
a) A bunch of middle aged women crying (or)
b) A bunch of hot chicks dancing. Not really dancing, more of doing some sort of a group drill. (Yeah, watch this:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbgFCINVek8 . One of the better ones, infact. Think of the average)

Really, TV sucks here folks. There's always only one (1) story, and they just seem to swap actors and directors around. It goes like this: 1 Boy. 1 Girl. 1 Boy sees 1 Girl. 1 Boy loves 1 Girl. Eventually, 1 Girl too loves 1 Boy. Parents of 1 Girl and Parents of 1 Boy don't want 1 Boy and 1 Girl to get married. So, they go off and try to kill each other, and, in the end, fail. 1 Boy gets married to 1 Girl, and story ends.

Just the same old thing. Sigh. Sucks to be me guys.
September 29, 2007 11:44 AM
 

Massif said:

Have you ever been tempted to get all your friends to learn one of those routines? And then do it in the street, apparently spontaneously.
That's the kind thing I'd do. (well, like to do)
It'd freak people out brilliantly.
September 30, 2007 12:38 AM
 

John said:

> Next time, Mr. Macho Cop Man, just shoot the bastard. <

Most unwise.

> And, to be honest <

Liar.
September 30, 2007 2:07 AM
 

John said:

...I always have trouble deciding which eye I should be looking in. Then I think, "hey, I know! I'll look at the bridge of her nose." Then I think... "hmm... maybe I should be looking at an eye..." and then it's all shifty eyes again. Then I get all self-conscious, because I know my eyes are darting all over the place. It's a tricky business, this close quarters stuff. Well... that's what my friends tell me, anyway.

"Camera one, camera two. Camera one, camera two." -- Wayne.

September 30, 2007 7:52 AM
 

Mr Angry said:

There's a movie from about 1990 called Miami Blues where Alec Baldwin plays an ex-con who steals a cop's badge and gun.  When a guy tries to rob the place where he's eating, he decides to pretend he's a cop seeing as he has the badge and gun and all.  An exchange along the following lines happens:

(Baldwin shoots thief in leg then shouts)

BALDWIN: Stop or I'll shoot!

THEIF: But you already shot me.

BALDIN: That was a warning shot.

THEIF: But you hit me!

BALDWIN: That was a mistake.
September 30, 2007 5:16 PM
 

marco said:

when thinking of the whys regarding stupidity in moving pictures,
just think "jerry springer," it's kind of a "give the people what they want"
scenario. I'm not trying to defend the industry. Just observing that.
It's most of why I don't watch much TV really, and why I seldom go
to new movies anymore except when my friends drag me out to a
"must see," and too often then I'm also saying the same thing Rory
says at the beginning of this blog post.
:\
September 30, 2007 5:34 PM
 

Lane said:

The shifty eye thing probably has more to do with inexperience acting than anything else.  Experienced actors know that when looking someone in the face, they should pick an eye and look at it.  Otherwise, both eyes are trying to decide what to look at - the left eye or the right eye.  

So, the actor thinks he/she is staring dramatically into the eyes of his/her opponent/love/next kill but really, the eyes are darting back and forth, trying to figure out just where they should be looking.

But I totally agree with #1.  I think it is expected that only bad guys  are sneaky - good guys are forced to win through means that are NOT used by bad guys.  
October 19, 2007 7:21 AM
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