Any fears that I might not land on my feet after quitting my job have been allayed.

Google, the world's leading authority on everything (provided I agree with it at the time), has recognized that Rory Blyth IS the Smartest Man in the World.

This has to seriously perturb anybody involved in the Smart-o-Lympics. Especially given the way I just spelled Smart-o-Lympics.

You could invent a god damned time machine, and I'd still be at the top of that VERY RELEVANT list.

Hey, Smart People! The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room.

But I'm not being a gentleman about this. I shall elucidate:

Dear Angry Legitimately Smart People Reading This,

My name is Rory Blyth. I don't have a high school diploma. I don't have a college degree. I didn't even go to the School of Life that people claim to have attended when they can't provide any of the usual qualifications on official looking bits of paper that look splendid when framed.

I like cars. Lately I've been eating tons of all natural lime popsicles. One of my favorite shows in the world is Farscape. It's about a spaceship filled with degenerate barfing muppet alien fugitives. I like it because I can relate to it because I barf and I want to be a fugitive. I'm also really hooked on it because Gigi Edgley totally strangled me at an autograph signing event. Gigi Edgley isn't a muppet. Everybody's probably sick of hearing about it, but I hang on to things like that because I don't know math or science, and I need something to bring meaning to my life.

I have an IQ of about 105. At least I used to. That was fifteen years and several major head injuries ago. People still say I'm smart, but I don't know.

I eat crayons.

There was this one time when I was assembling a Jasper Executive 3000 desk in my loft, and the desk was, like, ten feet tall, and I was doing it myself, and this huge board fell on me and hit me in the head on the right side of my head. I think it ripped a hole in the fabric of my brain and that it may have made my IQ lower by half which would be half of 105 and that's about 90, give or take ALFALFA SPROUTS.

When I was holding my skull in place after that I turned on HBO and watched Men in Black 2 eight times because they kept showing it on HBO. It was good because I wasn't getting the jokes. It was too sophisticated (like Canadian humour), so I saw it that many times which helped. Later, I got the Cliff's Notes and that explained... nothing because how can you put a price tag on a smile?. That is not a rhetorical question. I am trying to start a business please help.

I can fingerpaint a circle and a square but not at the same time.

Therefore, even because you think you are the smartest, YOU SIR ARE NOT OR MADAM.

I, Rory Blyth, DEFENDER OF THE GALAXY, am the Smartest Man in the World. OR MADAM.

If you don't like this situation then you can put your complaint in the Rory Blyth - Smartest Man in the World complaints box which is my nose, and I'll find it later when I pick for it, and when I find it, I'm going to eat it and then it's going to be gone.

Thank you small-brainy-person for being crushed by me.

Come over and sniff glue with me sometime. It makes your elbows feel like tapioca and then you try to eat them but you can't get your elbow to your mouth because it knows you are trying to eat it so it hides behind your arm and won't come out even if you set a trap. Because if you came over for glue sniffing, then I could eat your elbow since it doesn't know I want to eat it. Tapioca! Who is able to resist THAT by Jove! Then we can make out.

Very Truly Yours,

- Rory Blyth - THE Smartest Man in the World (not you)

That ought to clear up any misunderstandings.

Time to go sniff glue and watch muppets.