This song may not exist outside the United States of 'Merica, but it was
hugely popular among the children when I was a children which is a point in
history that's getting disturbingly far away.
Ha ha. Just had a little
1/3 life crisis there, provided I live to 90, which I won't.
The song
goes like this:
There's a place in France
Where the
naked ladies dance
And a hole in the wall
Where the men see it
all
A place in France... Where the naked ladies
dance...
Oh, how we loved this song. Along with a terribly dirty
song about Popeye, we were entertained for hours on the playground.
The
Place in France song popped in to my head this afternoon just after I woke up. I
enjoyed the tune just as I did in my youth, but I picked up on a few things I
hadn't previously noticed.
I don't know what the songwriter intended with
these cryptic lyrics, but I think he(?) raised far more questions than he
answered.
Consider:
- Where is this wonderful sounding place
in France, and why can't I find it in any travel guides?
- Why must the
men watch the show through a hole in the wall? And what wall are we talking
about?
- Let's pretend for a moment that the men are watching the show
through a hole because the show is just too darned dirty for prime time. Did I
mention this was France? Inside this house of corruption, I can guarantee that
not only would the men be welcome to watch the show sans hole, but there would
probably be family seating in the place where children are given buckets of
crayons with which to draw on the paper tablecloths that the French often lay
down in their restaurants. Again: why must the men remain on the far side of the
wall? Shame? Safety? Why?
- Where is the far side of
the wall? How does one access it? Is it still inside the building, or is it only
reachable via an alley or some similar path of inconvenience? This is important,
people. Follow me here.
- If one makes his way to the hole in the wall
via an indoor establishment, then what establishment is it? If it's a
restaurant, then wouldn't the owner think it kind of strange that a bunch of men
are huddling around a hole in is wall?
- Continuing with the indoor hole,
and it being likely that these men couldn't get away with their peeping without
being discovered by the restaurant/shop/whatever owner, then why does the owner
allow these men to do it? Does he make his money on drinks? Does he work
with the place where the naked ladies dance to provide a cheap
alternative to seating in the naked lady club? Is it for those who are short on
cash and cannot but afford a discounted seat where one observes a show only
through a hole in the wall?
- Let's move on to the possibility of an
outdoor-accessible hole. Wouldn't pedestrians in this high class neighborhood
want to see what the crowd of men was about? And, advancing a conservative
figure of, say, 10% of all pedestrians becoming hole-interested, would the hole
crowd grow at such a rate that, eventually, the peepers would be spilling out
from their alleyway into the street? Wouldn't the police then catch on? And
would the men in the crowd finally get busted for avoiding
hole-in-the-wall-through-which-a-man-sees-all tax? And wouldn't this then negate
the advantage of saving money by snagging a cheap seat holeside? When does the
hole become a burden rather than a joy?
- Whether inside or out, I think
we've established that the crowd would be substantial. Though, for a hole, I
would argue that only three or four people would be a crowd. The standard size
for a hole is: small. This presents two (2) problems that I shall address
presently.
- If we go back to the possibility that the hole is a
pay-per-view service for the poor who can't afford a proper seat at the naked
lady club, then is the cost worth it? The hole is, as you may recall, small,
and, by my estimates, can only serve one eye of one man at a time. Thus emerges
a problem similar to those who have invested in time share condos: how much time
is one permitted at the coveted vantage point of unobstructed naked lady
viewing? Thirty seconds is, I think, reasonable. But would this limit the size
of the crowd? Let us fancy that the show lasts one Earth hour. That temporal
unit provides for one-hundred and twenty viewings per show. If you were one of
the hole men, to how many viewings should you think yourself entitled? If I were
a hole man, I would want at least four (4) viewings. Anything less, and my money
would be better spent on a cheap
bottom-of-the-barrel-and-maybe-even-on-sale dancing prostitute with a rare
airborne mutation of syphilis. A peep at the ol' hole lasts thirty seconds;
syphilis lasts a lifetime. Value, my friends. Value. Anyway, at thirty seconds
per viewing, and at four (4) viewings per customer, entertainment could be
provided for only thirty gentlemen. As we discussed earlier, the crowds grow as
passersby satisfy their curiosity, get caught up in the dance sensation sweeping
the nation, and then join the hole party. How do we decide which clients to
allow, and which to turn away? Is there a lottery? Is it a take-a-number
system?
- Related to the previous item (#9), could the problem be solved
by first-come/first-served? If so, then wouldn't daylong loitering be encouraged
by those who endeavor to secure one of the thirty vacancies? And wouldn't this
then deprive each waiting man of a day during which he could have been
working or seeking employment? Earning a paycheck from which to draw the
necessary funds to be able to pay for a seat on the good side of the
wall? Is this a plot to disappear the middle class? To relegate everybody to a
lower stratum of society? Why isn't there a watchdog group looking out for these
people? Who's to blame here? Should the men, who are clearly addicted to this
performance of moral indiscretions, be pushed along to continue to spend their
food money on naked lady dances, or should they be urged to attend a state run
program for hole peeping addiction rehabilitation? And wouldn't the whole
keep-them-down plan completely backfire when the men, unable to continue their
pursuit of naked lady viewage because they've exhausted their meager savings on
the naked lady dancing service, wind up on the street? Would that take the
bottom out of the economy, or would it make a space for the next round
of men to come along, have their time at the hole, and then wind up on the
street along with the others, having played their parts in keeping the economy
stable? I ask: is this an upper-class conspiracy to keep the poor man
down? Hasn't France been here before? Can anybody say guillotine? Probably
not, as it has more silent letters than a movie subtitled in Braille. I can't
think of why you'd subtitle a movie in Braille.
- Why... why
hasn't the club owner solved this problem with thirty francs worth of spackle?
Repairing the hole would not only solve most of the problems discussed here, but
it would seal the puncture in the fabric of civilization punched open by The
Temptation of the Hole. I just invented a great name for a film oriented toward
adults interested in watching other adults try to make babies. Applaud my
ingenuity.
Who wins this game? The upper-class standing on the
shoulders of the poor like at the end of Titanic? The kids in the club who are
treated to free crayons while their wealthy parents, from their high end box
seats, observe through their opera glasses the naked ladies dancing to the tune
of perversion?
Who loses? The club proprietor who discounts his rates for
the underprivileged? The men swept into a downward spiral of depravity? Society
on the whole?
Where is the good? Where is the bad? Where are the saints?
Who are the villains?
Is this a case of yin and yang? Or is this
an Ultimate Fighting Championship smackdown of Heavyweight Evil vs. Welterweight
Common Man?
I raise these questions to raise awareness. As citizens of
the Planet Earth, we are all accountable for the well being of our species-wide
network of flesh and blood.
There's a place in France
Where the naked lades dance
And a hole in the wall
Where the
men see it all
But do they dance? Do they really
dance?
I think I understand now.
And now I can rest.
Thank
you. Oh, thank you.
This soul is set free, and I soar on the winds of
knowledge in the sky of limitless possibilities.
Peace and understanding,
all.
Peace and understanding.
Blessed be.
Peace... and
understanding.