In my last post, I tried to warn you against the dangers of the twenty dollar bill. Some of you listened; others didn't.
One woman, claiming to be "Melissa," had the following to say in the comments section:
wow - I'll take you seriously when you learn how to spell
I must warn you that this chills me down to my very bones.
I intentionally misspelled most of the last post to hide my identity, but apparently, my cover's been blown.
Melissa: Disappointed reader or elite secret soldier of The Order? You decide (provided you choose the latter).
What concerns me most is that "Melissa" is allowing a few grammatical whoopsies to stand between her and the truth about "TUNA SOFA." I fear that others, having read her comment, might make the same mistake. Don't be drawn in by her lies.
There was another deception, unbeknownst to me, in my last post, and even I was fooled by it. It came from a source I thought reliable, but I couldn't have been wronger.
The Cowboy is offering a service to help you rid yourself of the accursed twenty dollar bill, but at what cost? At first it appears to be an act of philanthropy, but if you read his post closely, you'll find his true intention in the following:
Your twenties are no longer safe! You must get rid of them now! Can you burn them? No. There's a secret sensor inside them that can detect when you're trying to destroy them. You'll have SWAT teams bashing in your windows before you've even got the fire going. Don't burn them! Your only option is to...
SEND THEM TO ME!
Yes, that's the only way you can be sure. Send all of your twenties to me, for I've unlocked the secret of how to disable the sensor and can safely destroy your twenties. I would post the information here, but that would alert the PRIVACYINVADER 3000 server and then I'd have the SWAT teams bashing in my windows. You have to send them to me now, it's the only way!
This is poppycock! Pure humdrivel! I dare say, this is FIDDLEDEESTICKS!
While I know - KNOW - that his methods for safely disposing of twenty dollar bills is sound, I have discovered that he has mixed legitimate information with FALSE TRUTHS that he may gain your confidence with facts, only to hide within them the lies - similar to the way you hide your dog's Prozac in his Alpo to fool him into eating it.
But let me tell you, friends: The Cowboy is dangerous. You may follow him if you wish - I permit you to do so - but remember that, should you follow behind The Cowboy, know that you will be following his horse as well, and his horse will eventually have to go to the bathroom.
Whence this revelation?
Perpend:
The Cowboy says that you cannot burn your twenties. This is patently false. You may burn your twenties. All it takes is a match and the will and the courage and the lighter fluid to bore a child of truth into this world of lies.
Unlike The Cowboy, however, I have PROOF to back up my assertions. Where he, like Melissa, would like to lead the sheep to slaughter, I will provide you with the information to shield yourself from false falsehoods.
The Nostradamus Factor
Nostradamus saw into the future, which is now.
It is said that he prophesied in quatrains, but this is a misinaccuracy. In fact, Nostradamus prophesied in single sentences disguised as - hidden in - quatrains.
Because I know this is blowing your mind, I will say it again: Nostradamus prophesied in single sentences disguised as - hidden in - quatrains.
Do you understand me? I don't think you do. Once more, Nostradamus prophesied in single sentences disguised as - hidden in - quatrains.
Do I think the world is ready for this? No. But, we can no longer afford to hide in a cloak of ignorance. I know you're out there, Powers that Be, and, though you would ask in fear that I hold my tongue, senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
One must take risks; one must pretentiously quote Dante to draw attention to those risks.
I have read and internalized every prophesy of the great Nostradamus, and know of one - just one - of the sentences hidden in the quatrains that accurately counters the entirety of The Cowboy's argument:
Quis quid bibid aquam.
Don't bother searching for this, as you will not find it. There is only one work outside of Nostradamus' prophesies in which this line appears:
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
George Lucas, who is a member of the Illuminati, was ordered to pass this message on to the rest of his brothers by way of this film. It doesn't even appear in the script, as it was a last minute addition by Lucas while on set.
If you don't speak Latin, the line roughly translates to:
He who drinks water.
What more proof do I need? What more, Cowboy?
You don't know this, because you're a royal dickhead, but Nostradamus always prophesied in code. To decrypt the message, you need:
- An Official Little Orphan Annie Ovaltine Secret Decoder Ring - do you have one of these? I didn't think so.
- An abacus.
- All the wooden letters from Scrabble AND the bag you shake them up in.
- A tide schedule for le Mont Saint-Michel.
You need to put all of these items inside the Scrabble bag - this includes the bag itself - shake the contents while you're posted anywhere along the Tropic of Capricorn during the thirteenth full moon of the Chinese new year as viewed from your chosen location, and spill their contents where you stand after you shake the bag thirteen times.
Take the letters from Scrabble, lay the ones facing down in alphabetical order (you cannot flip them over to see what the letters are), use the abacus to multiply the running value of each letter by the one that follows it, carry the one, and then write the final value out backward on the medium of your choice (EXCEPT limestone).
As you'll see, you now have a set of space-time coordinates. If you've done this right, you can convert these coordinates to a latitude and longitude, as well as a Gregorian date indicating where along the continuum the values fall.
The coordinates will always put you at a location within exactly thirteen-thousand cubits of the french-fry stand near the base of the steps leading you up le mont from where you get off the bus.
Be at the latitude and longitude at the given time. If, according to the tide schedule, the tide is going out, then you must face north. If the tide is coming in, you must face south. If the tide is exactly halfway through its journey in any either direction, you must face north and south simultaneously.
When the time comes, there will be an earthquake. It will vary in strength and last for thirteen minutes. You must transcribe the frequency of the vibrations every thirteen seconds.
Return home and enter these frequencies into a tone generator. When this task is complete, you'll have the melody of the second verse of a song written by Journey. Check your melody against every Journey song ever written. You will eventually find what you're looking for.
Take the verse and translate it into Korean using google. Take the output and translate it into Spanish - again, using google. Next, translate the Spanish into English with the help of Estrella-Bruja Misterioso of Vejer de la Frontera. As soon as you have the translation in your hands, you must kill Estrella-Bruja Misterioso of Vejer de la Frontera, for she has Seen. Don't feel bad about this - she will be resurrected thirteen days later by a celestial being, but with no memory of her time with you.
The final step is to write the translation down on a piece of paper in lines of thirteen letters with no spaces.
The proof you seek is an acrostic based on the first letter of each line. This is the decrypted "Quis quid bibid aquam."
I would tell you what the message is, but this is a journey you must take on your own.
When you have it in your hands, you will see the falsity of The Cowboy's wicked claims.
Novus Ordo Seclorum
Although the method I've just described is proof enough, I choose to provide one additional and definitive counter to The Cowboy's lies.
As some of you may know, the one dollar bill carries the words "Novus ordo seclorum":
You buy soda-pop with these lies!
But, did you know that there is an intentional typo?
I have uncovered evidence that I cannot share with you now because it would put my family in further danger than it already is, but, I assure you, my source is reliable.
"Novus" is written as intended, and it means, of course, "New." This part of the translation is, as all scholars who are correct will agree, accurate.
However! "Ordo" is not as it seems.
According to my source, the "d" is read, by those in the Circle, as a "k"!
This renders "ordo" as "orko"!
Orko, if you aren't familiar with 80s lore, is the strange, legless, floating character from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe:
The "O" is for "Orko"!
Where am I going with this?
You will understand when I translate the last word - seclorum.
"Seclorum" is translated into English as the very same word we use in everyday conversation - "seclorum" is "seclorum"!
As in: "Mommy, seclorum toast is burned!" or "Yes, seclorum - I'll take the blue one."
No change there.
There's one last crucial piece to this puzzle. To my knowledge, which is vast, I am the first to have discovered this secret message within a secret message:
The All Seeing Eye, around which we find the words "Novus ordo seclorum," is on the LEFT side of the dollar bill. As the Latin scholars will know, "left" in Latin is "sinistra" - the word from which we get the English word "sinister"!
Do you see now the peril we are in?
Charlatans translate "Novus ordo seclorum" as "New world order," when the REAL translation, including the proper implication of "sinistra," is:
EVIL NEW ORKO SECLORUM
I KNOW!!! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!!! BUT TRUE!!!
If I do not write again soon, it is because The Evil New Orko Seclorum has found me, and is probably torturing me with cream of squash pig soup accompanied by mushrooms. It is a well known fact that I hate squash, pig, and mushrooms. At least I think it is. If it wasn't, then it is now.
Save Yourselves
Run - do not walk - to your cellar. If you took my advice from the last post, your family should already be down there.
If you don't have a cellar, then dig one. Your life - your family's life - depends on it.
If you can't dig a cellar because you live in a condo or apartment, it is acceptable to move your family to storage space if you have it.
If you don't have storage space or a cellar, then go out to the wilderness and disguise your family, including yourself, as a forest. You will have to remain still in perpetuity, and spotted owls will poop on you, but at least you'll be safe.
Remember what I have said here.
Find the message from Nostradamus.
Beware The Evil New Orko Seclorum.
I must go.
Adieu.
[Gratuitous Links to my Homies - Not Part of the Post Above] [Learn More]
Today I honor what are probably the two youngest readers of Neopoleon. Their combined age is still younger than I am.
Allowing them access to this site is probably a federal offense here in 'Merica. Fortunately, these guys aren't 'Merican.
- Lloyd Humph - The youngest, I do believe. Also, should I write a gospel for A Neopoleon Religion, I've been thinking I'll call it "The Gospel of Lloyd Humph" on account of just how effing nice and supportive he's been.
- Yuvi - Also very nice and supportive, Yuvi's one of those people who help whip me into finishing my creation story. I've continued to write it, but I've always resisted endings. Probably because of some deeply rooted psychological damage that I'll never be able to undo. Hopefully, though, I'll be able to push it to the back of my head long enough to finish.
Recently, Yuvi's asked a few times how old I am - to answer, I put my birthday - as Massif noticed - in the latest Tractor Photo at the top of the page. Like Nostradamus' secrets, I've left my message as a code...