too late to warn me about blueberry pancakes I love them

I used to have a book that was about that when I was younger.  It didn't pan out the way that your story did...it was a little less driven towards a DARE theme.

I perfer chocolate chip pancakes anyway...it completely defeats the purpose of a healthy breakfast.

I've been able to refrain from the blueberry pancakes, however this frickin' crack-cocaine is the bomb though. I can't get enough!

The flu is evil.  Although I myself have been sick lately, I'm glad I cannot be blamed for this round of The Influenza where you will be wallowing in self-pity for the next 10-14 days.  Just be careful though, a certain hairdresser we both see now has pneumonia (I'm not sure when you saw her last).

peter -

"too late to warn me about blueberry pancakes I love them"

It's never too late to quit.

Taper off. Go from a stack to a short stack, and then to a single pancake. When you make it there, try to move down to half a blueberry pancake a day.

If you're in a cold sweat and really hurting for more blueberry pancakes, then try pancakes with a different fruit in them. Eventually you'll be able to cut down to a quarter of a blueberry pancake a day.

After that, start eating a quarter of a blueberry pancake every other day, and continue to space the days out the further you go.

I know you can do this. And don't cheat by getting regular pancakes and pouring blueberry syrup on them. That's like nicotine gum - you've superficially dealt with the problem, but all you've really done is retain something of the addiction while making it look like you've cleaned up.

Speaking of which, smokers often have a hard time quitting because of the ritual as well - not just the nicotine. They want something to hold. That gives them *two* things to quit.

If you're that way with blueberry pancakes, then I'd strongly recommend that you get the patch. Continue eating pancakes, but just not blueberry ones. You'll get your fix from the patch, and you'll get the ritual from eating pancakes.

This way, you can quit one thing at a time, which might make it easier.

Be strong. You can phone any one of my readers at any time of the night if you need help. I'll provide you with phone numbers, addresses, and so on. I'm sure they won't mind.

This is about saving *family*. You're part of this family, and we're not going to just stand around while you piss your life away with a blueberry pancake addiction.

Solidarity, my brotha'.

... -

"..." - is that what is says on your birth certificate?

"I used to have a book that was about that when I was younger.  It didn't pan out the way that your story did...it was a little less driven towards a DARE theme."

This movie was pre-Nancy Reagan's drug campaigning (*against* drugs, to be absolutely clear).

I think they were doing what they could with what they had, even if they didn't hit it home.

It's probably such carelessness that led to poor peter's addiction.

"I perfer chocolate chip pancakes anyway...it completely defeats the purpose of a healthy breakfast."

I used to consume those on a regular basis. They came with whipped-cream smiley faces, and they were in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head.

I always ate the ears first. It made the pancake look like a gingerbread-man. I think I had less guilt about eating a gingerbread-man.

Still, if you put chocolate chips on his face, I'd totally eat Mickey Mouse's head. And I mean the real Mickey Mouse - not some doughy reproduction.

Mr. Freely -

"I've been able to refrain from the blueberry pancakes, however this frickin' crack-cocaine is the bomb though. I can't get enough!"

Yeah. I've heard that people like the crack.

I don't know if you've ever visited the Erowid Experience Vaults, but it is *fascinating*.

You can read about people's experiences with just about every substance in the world. I sometimes read it for fun (it's good cell phone reading while you're waiting for your crack dealer to show up), but I also read it to try and understand what people like about some drugs - particularly some my friends have done/do, but that I stay away from.

This page is for cocaine, but there are a few crack write-ups:

http://www.erowid.org/experiences/subs/exp_Cocaine.shtml

It's the epitome of too-much-is-not-enough.

A common theme I've noticed, both from the vaults and from friend's reports, is that you spend all your time on cocaine or crack thinking about how you can get more - you never hit a point where it feels like you're "good" - unlike alcohol or the pot or other stuff. My drug of choice back when I was little Mr. Druggypants didn't give you an option - if you kept on going, you passed out, so you didn't have to worry about not getting enough. Plus, the moments right before losing consciousness were the sweet-spot. That's where you felt satisfied. Then, as with sex, when you hit that point and you've taken care of business, you go to sleep satisfied.

That wasn't the healthiest period of my life :)

CFK -

"The flu is evil.  Although I myself have been sick lately, I'm glad I cannot be blamed for this round of The Influenza where you will be wallowing in self-pity for the next 10-14 days.  Just be careful though, a certain hairdresser we both see now has pneumonia (I'm not sure when you saw her last)."

It might be your fault, too. I hung out with you a day after the ex-fiancee. I'll concede that the incubation period wouldn't have been long enough in most situations, it still could've been you.

As for Frantastic - I was going to call her today, so the news that she's drowning in her own lungs is unfortunate. I wanted to get my hair chopped off - I have plans for the next do. I want to go light brown (instead of my blondish-brown).

I've seen it in my head. I've checked it against my wardrobe.

It is nearly time.

I'll get the platinum chopped, let it grow out, and then get down to bidness.

It shall be the greatest hair this world has ever seen.

Stay tuned.

I have a blueberry pancake strapped to my arm. I'm going to quit this think. The first step is admitting I have a problem. Turns out I might have several.

by think I meant thing I think

"...they showed us a movie in school about a witch who moved in with a family and started selling blueberry pancakes out of the family's home."

Are you sure this is an anti-drug thing? Because I'm not getting that. It sounds pretty anti-woman entrepreneur to me.

It sounds like this woman was called a witch just to slander her. As you said your self "I can't imagine there's a 'Summon Addictive Blueberry Pancakes' spell in The Official Spellbook of the Guild of Evil Witches.". There is no compelling evidence that this woman was a witch. She sounds like a good cook with an excellent business sense.

It's not like she shoved kids in the oven and cooked them.

It's not like she's Little Debby. These are pancakes with fruit!

What was wrong with her having a successful business? I fail to see her crime, here.

Patriarchal propaganda in the classroom... it's a miracle you escaped  without being a woman-hating pig, Rory.

All of the womenses of the world would have been sad indeed if your nostril pastime had not saved your young, fragile mind.

Alex Andronov -

"I have a blueberry pancake strapped to my arm. I'm going to quit this think."

Dude. While I suggested to peter that he try the patch, I would never condone the strappage of an actual blueberry pancake to the arm.

For one thing, transdermal absorption of *pure* blueberry pancake will get you to the ER faster than you can say, "Pass the marmite, please" (I figure that, since you're a limey, you'd be tempted to smear marmite all over the food - it's a bit like speedballing - the practice of mainlining a combo of cocaine and heroin).

When absorbed through the skin, the blueberry pancake bypasses first-pass metabolism and goes straight to the brain. The acid from the berries makes your skin much more permeable. Many blueberry pancake junkies don't know this, and it's sad, really - the intense sugar high peaks and then the rest of the trip is down, down, down... I've seen it so bad that people who couldn't get more blueberry pancakes were buying frozen blueberry waffles and taking those to the skin. It doesn't work as well, though, because you can't achieve the same level of contact with a waffle due to the uneven surface.

All this aside, many impurities make it into the bloodstream when you strap blueberry pancakes. Preservatives and dough make their way in, clogging your arteries and opening the way to various dangerous cardiovascular accidents.

I'm telling you right now: stop. For yourself, for your friends, for your family... you can't keep this up forever, and you certainly can't keep it secret. Someone will eventually notice the batter all over your kitchen and the freezer full of blueberries.

Is that how you want to be remembered after you OD?

And, for god's sake, don't start shooting up. You have to use the raw pancake batter, and who knows what kind of crap is in there - especially if you're getting street-batter. They'll cut the stuff with less expensive ingredients to maximize their profits - what you're probably getting is a little bit of pancake batter with some cornbread batter and a dash of shortbread batter. This is far more dangerous, as you won't only have the blueberry pancakes to worry about, but you'll be facing the number one killer in the world: cholesterol.

I know you think you've got it under control - whether you're buying brand name batter mix or getting white-tar batter off the street, you're a slave to your addiction.

Seek professional help immediately.

"by think I meant thing I think"

Don't worry... I may be hard on you for throwing your life away, but I'm still compassionate. We all know that you're under the influence of a high dose of blueberry pancakes - we don't expect perfection.

All we want is for you to get better and get your life back on track.

There are sunnier days ahead, but you need to be around to see them.

Celes -

"Are you sure this is an anti-drug thing? Because I'm not getting that. It sounds pretty anti-woman entrepreneur to me."

I disagree entirely, Celes. I disagree entirely.

This woman - this *witch* - was running an unlicensed breakfast nook, and in a residential zone no less. And that's aside from the main problem of the blueberry pancakes being addictive.

You're reading in to this too much, obviously from a man-hating perspective. The movie *can't* have been about female entrepreneurism, as there *were no* female entrepreneurs at the time it was made.

Although, now that I think about it, there might be some merit to what you say. Women were still going on and on about equal rights and other things that could bring down civilization, so this movie very well could have been a warning against a dangerous future to come. Given where we are now, I think we can agree that finding such a message in the movie - and heeding it - could have saved this country from ruin.

But it's too late now. Women are aggressive, territorial, irrational, angry, violent, and dangerous, and they'll be the end of us. It terrifies me to think of all the women who might be playing a role in national defense initiatives - it's only a matter of time before one reveals her true nature and orders preemptive strikes against all other major developed nations.

She'll enter the war room, approach the weapons control console, insert her key into the safety lock, and push the Launch button after it's freed from its place beneath the safety-glass meant to prevent anyone from accidentally hitting the button or setting his coffee mug down on it.

Then, with that look in the eye that only warmongering women get: "Would you like some blueberry pancakes with your death? CACKLE CACKLE CACKLE CACKLE CACKLE!"

The other nations scramble to protect themselves. Korea fires a few duds at Alaska. England takes out France because, well, as far as they're concerned, the French had it coming, and this is as good a reason as any to express that frustration. Canada fires on nothing because they're a bunch of pussies. Finally, Sweden reveals what we've all suspected all along, which is that, far from being a peaceful country with no military aspirations, they've actually stockpiled enough nuclear weapons to destroy the Earth with a little something left over for the moon.

By the end of the day, all that's left floating through space where Earth and its moon used to be is a new asteroid field. Humanity comes to a swift end.

You were saying something about female entrepreneurs?

"It sounds like this woman was called a witch just to slander her."

No. She was a witch. Plain and simple. She had the nose, the hat, the cauldron - unmistakeable.

Frankly, you're libeling her now by suggesting she *wasn't* a witch.

"As you said your self 'I can't imagine there's a "Summon Addictive Blueberry Pancakes" spell in The Official Spellbook of the Guild of Evil Witches.'"

She obviously went rogue.

"There is no compelling evidence that this woman was a witch."

What do you need evidence for when you have facts?

"She sounds like a good cook with an excellent business sense."

Typical female thinking.

You're no better than she is, Celes.

Go ahead - go to our playgrounds and give kids little silver-dollar sized blueberry pancakes - just to get them started.

That's all you're really doing. You're destroying our future.

"It's not like she shoved kids in the oven and cooked them."

Is that part of the DSM-IV criteria for proper witch diagnosis?

Sounds to me like your perspective on witchery differs from what we find in the professional literature - I'm starting to think *you* might be a witch.

Tread carefully here, Celes. You're playing a dangerous game.

"It's not like she's Little Debby. These are pancakes with fruit!"

These are pancakes with *blueberries*. And who's Little Debby? Is she the ringleader?

I might be able to have your sentence commuted if you work with me on this, but you *have* to give me answers.

"What was wrong with her having a successful business? I fail to see her crime, here."

You might as well ask what's wrong murder.

"Patriarchal propaganda in the classroom... it's a miracle you escaped  without being a woman-hating pig, Rory."

It's the peaceful mindset of the males of our species that holds the key to ending the apocalyptic fever dreams of the penicularly-disabled.

Get some perspective, Celes. Women are dangerous. Witches especially.

Stop making excuses.

There aren't any ellipses on my birth certificate but I'd like to keep my identity a mystery.

"I'm starting to think *you* might be a witch."

You caught me.

So I'm a witch.

AND a woman.

I even make awesome pancakes from scratch. I do, however, prefer chocolate chip or apple.

"Get some perspective, Celes. Women are dangerous. Witches especially."

We're not so dangerous. I like to live and let live. Smell the flowers. Use the flour to make yummy things...

Though if you go around picking on poor innocent women making a living by their craftiness, I may have to give you a penicular disability.

And I don't mean making you into a woman either.

Normally we're peace-loving, but in the right circumstances, we could open a condensed milk can of whoop ass.

Or even worse, we could punish you. It's not just baking and cooking... All the great haircuts, clothes, fragrances, sex- where do you think these things come from?

Witches are behind it all.

You rely on us witches even more than most men, Rory.

As a matter of fact, if I didn't know better, I'd say you too were a woman...

...or a witch!

... -

"There aren't any ellipses on my birth certificate but I'd like to keep my identity a mystery."

Huh. Um. Well. OK.

Um.

OK.

My only condition is that, in exchange for my total respect and support of your desire for ultimate secrecy, you not be the ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer.

I think that's fair.

And, if you are not currently the ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer but plan to become it sometime in the future, I ask that you provide me with at least two-weeks notice before you take the non-corporeal form of Mr. Dahmer. Notice is to be in writing and notarized by a public official. Signing the document shouldn't be a problem, as your identity will have ceased to be "..." and will have moved on to "The Ghost of Jeffery Dahmer." Your anonymity will thusly be protected regardless of the outcome.

I was going to say something about web site reader people being weird, but then I glanced back at everything I wrote about Jeffery Dahmer's ghost, and realized that I should probably just keep my mouth shut.

Not that it's weird to suspect people you don't know of being Jeffrey Dahmer's ghost. I mean. I'm just saying.

Also, if you're Steve Ballmer, here to exact revenge, I ask that you become the ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer, as that scares me much less.

Celes -

"You caught me."

Ah-HAH!

"So I'm a witch."

Ah-HAH!

"AND a woman."

Ah-HAH!

"I even make awesome pancakes from scratch. I do, however, prefer chocolate chip or apple."

Ah-HAH!

"We're not so dangerous. I like to live and let live. Smell the flowers. Use the flour to make yummy things..."

Women are probably the most dangerous thing on the planet. That's something I've been learning bit by bit.

"Though if you go around picking on poor innocent women making a living by their craftiness, I may have to give you a penicular disability."

It would be impossible to make my penis any more gargantuan, unless you meant something else by "disability."

"Normally we're peace-loving, but in the right circumstances, we could open a condensed milk can of whoop ass."

I know. I've been there for that one week out of the month.

"Or even worse, we could punish you. It's not just baking and cooking... All the great haircuts, clothes, fragrances, sex- where do you think these things come from?"

Lady... among my circle, whether it's for the men or the women, I'm the one who dispenses the advice on all things superficial.

As for sex... I've been avoiding it along with relationships. I have a few unsorted issues left over from the past two years. Plus, I decided recently that love is a stupid thing. It comes along and owns you regardless of the situation. Then, when you do something to change the situation so that it's no longer torment, love lingers and makes it almost impossible to see what could be attractive in anyone else.

Yep... sex.

Without the womens, there's no sex, and until I can get my head back on straight, there's no womens.

In the meantime, I have the haircuts, clothes, and fragrances thing *down*.

Celes:
"You caught me.  So I'm a witch."

She's a witch!  Burn 'er!  Burn 'er!

"I may have to give you a penicular disability"

She turned me into a newt!

...

...

Well, I got better...

Dude, you so missed the boat on the twenty dollar bill conspiracy. The whole point of 9+11=20 is to bring those words together. If we take the letters and rearrange them (in what is technically known as an "anagram") we get NY Nineteen Twelve. And just what happened in 1912?

Before you say "That's easy - the Republic of China was established," or "Yeah, the Titanic went down," let me stop you right there. Of course the Titanic was no accident, but its real purpose was to distract attention away from the formation of the Girl Scouts of America. Seems obvious now, doesn't it?

Let me remind you of The Girl Scout Promise:
On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.

Which, as The Smartest Living Human Alive you have probably already noted, can also be folded to spell Osama. Even the O is capitalized. (It was not supposed to be, as it was feared it would be too obvious, but it slipped through.)

And who founded the GSA? Juliette Gordon Low, of course, whose rearranged name ("anagram") spells Lo! Jet Detouring Low!

Could it *be* any more clear? This has been in the works for a very long time.

Update: Frantastic does *not* have pneumonia as previously thought/stated earlier. She just has a very bad bout of The Influenza.    The Yugo Bandito and I are probably headed her way (no pun intended) this weekend as the Q-Tip is growing out of control and I could use a trim myself.  Perhaps we can combine a trip?

Clarence Odbody -

[First off, I apologize that the comments were closed on this post (for those of you who are confused, I wrote something about the twenty dollar bill conspiracy a while back, but the spammers hit it pretty hard, mistakenly thinking that just because I mentioned twenty dollars that I *have* twenty dollars). You can get to the original post here: http://www.neopoleon.com/home/blogs/neo/archive/2007/12/08/28505.aspx]

"Dude, you so missed the boat on the twenty dollar bill conspiracy. The whole point of 9+11=20 is to bring those words together. If we take the letters and rearrange them (in what is technically known as an "anagram") we get NY Nineteen Twelve. And just what happened in 1912?"

I think you're barking up the wrong trail. You have your nimbles in a tizzy.

Don't you think that "NY Nineteen Twelve" is a little obvious? They *wanted* you to find it.

They laid the trap, and you got adversely stuck in it.

You missed out on the *real* message:

"Ten new evil net-yen."

The first and most obvious implication of this findings is that the Japanese are obviously implicated. Not only that, but they seem to have invested some of their "yen" money and perhaps not made out like they were hoping (by "made out," I don't mean like what you do with a girl in your Camaro - I mean that their resulting results were considered to be less than sub-optimal by Japanese consensus of fact-based opinion).

Given that the yen were "evil," we can assume that the yen were evil. Therefore, all Japanese people are evil. They define themselves by the number and quality of yen they have. Also, they sell young girls' used knickers out of vending machines, but that is neither here nor there. It's just gross.

And why were there ten? I'll tell you why: because the United States of America Pentagon building has five sides ("agon" is ancient Latvian for "five sides," but only when it's preceded by "penta" - thus, "pentaagon" - but we've since modified the spelling so it isn't stupid like the way the Latvians spell it).

The ten *clearly* refers to a secret Japanese building called The Decagon. "Decagon" is Japanese for "Our building has twice as many agons as the United States of America Pentagon building."

Japan was on its way to becoming a powerful worldwide superpower. Not "superpower" like the way Auqaman summons a whale to help him in Kansas where the whale dies because it doesn't have any whale food - I'm talking about them wanting to enslave us, which they could have done - IF they had been able to keep their Decagon running properly.

They were being funded by Sony. You might not know this, but Sony has a considerably big black-ops budget. They've been losing money to Apple because the iPod isn't retarded like the way Sony products are all, "Use our stupid proprietary memory stick that nobody else uses which is weird because it is a highly efficient way to terrorize customers."

To make money back, they have been using their money to subsidize - and help pay for - the cost of running the Decagon. If Japan could become a superpower, Sony would have put out the product it's been working on for centuries: The Sony Transdirectional Beta to Minidisc to Memory Stick to Blu-Ray and Back Again Recorder and Player. It was to be an export-only product. The plan was truly sinister and bad. When worldwide consumers would be forced to pay a lot of extra money for all those proprietary formats, the economies of several thousand countries would be in shambles, and Japan, the only country *not* to have this device (except for North Korea where it would have been put against the wall and shot (this move, by the way, would have ruined North Korea's economy as well, as they would have run out of natural resources from which to make bullets, and then they'd have to give up their place in the United States of the European Union)). Wait. I got lost in the parenthetical statements. Hang on.

Japan, the only country not to have this device, would have been protected. And rich. Because they would be the ones PROFITING from the sales of the device and also the media.

Sony would be the economic powerhouse of God and then could truly pay for the costs of operating the Decagon - except for ten yen. The Japanese are a highly paranoid and superstitious people - they believe that one must pay a yen per wall of a building extra per annum. And the payment of those yen CANNOT come from a high-tech electronics company. It's in their constitution.

But how does they pay for the Decagon when Sony has acquired all the yen?

The answer is: they can't.

So they attacked the World Trade Center.

Cogito ergo sum.

Please go back to conspiracy school before you attempt to challenge my authority on these many and elaborate and serious dealings.

I have am attempting very hardly to help people from saving themselves to the danger of this matter.

You only want to destroy The Girl Scouts of America (yet you would spare The Girl Scouts of the Republic of Chad - why is that, Clarence? What are you hiding? What is your agenda? I am suspicious of you). And that is a whole other ball of yarn. It's getting too hot in this kitchen, Clarence. Get out before somebody turns on the microwave with the door open.

CFK -

"Update: Frantastic does *not* have pneumonia as previously thought/stated earlier. She just has a very bad bout of The Influenza."

OK. Good. I was worried it would be a long time before I could get my hair cut again.

Oh, and I was worried about Frantastic.

She likes to cut my hair.

"The Yugo Bandito and I are probably headed her way (no pun intended) this weekend as the Q-Tip is growing out of control and I could use a trim myself.  Perhaps we can combine a trip?"

Perhaps we can. Depending on the extent to which I am suffering at the hands of this disease by the weekend, I will either go or not go.

Also, remind me to administer a sobriety test before she starts cutting this time.

"She likes to cut my hair."

She's sounds like a woman AND a witch...

"Women are probably the most dangerous thing on the planet. That's something I've been learning bit by bit."

You give us WAY too much credit, but still, I'm flattered.

"As for sex... I've been avoiding it along with relationships."

Yeah, well, me too. For reasons other than witches...

"I have a few unsorted issues left over from the past two years."

Just the past two years? That isn't such a long queue if you think about it... I've seen much worse. (Sadly, I've dated worse too.)

"Plus, I decided recently that love is a stupid thing. It comes along and owns you regardless of the situation. Then, when you do something to change the situation so that it's no longer torment, love lingers and makes it almost impossible to see what could be attractive in anyone else."

Whether or not you decide it's stupid, it doesn't stop doing its thing. Yeah, love sucks, but someone once told me it was worth it or something. I'll get back to you when I find out more.

"Yep... sex. Without the womens, there's no sex, and until I can get my head back on straight, there's no womens."

Womens continue to exist without you, Rory. When you straiten yourself and let them back into your clubhouse, know that they will likely make you crazy again.

-not because they're womens, because they are the ones you fall in love with.

"Please go back to conspiracy school before you attempt to challenge my authority"


I feel so pwned.
So pwned, in fact, that that's the first (and second) time I've ever typed that word.

Weird - I was just thinking about that movie the other week. I must have been a better nose picker than you, because I couldn't remember the ending. So you're saying that the Portland Public School system was actually trying to teach me something? Bah!