I'm going to start twittering. I find this extremely embarrassing, but I've finally decided that I'd like to have a way to share all the tiny thoughts I have throughout the day that'll never make it into a post. The thoughts have to be especially tiny, as the twitter people have yet to figure out how to let their users make entries longer than 140 characters, but it's better than nothing.

For those of you who aren't familiar with twitter, you're lucky. Twitter is even more irritating than blogs. It's like blogging and IM mixed into one thing. I hate it. You'll hate it, too, though some of those negative feelings will be mitigated by the joy of getting a little Rory in your life through the day.

If you desire maximum irritation, you can even have my stupid twitter crap sent directly to your phone in the form of text messages. You can easily turn that option on and off, which is good, because once you get past the novelty of twitter, you'll be willing to chuck your phone off Niagara Falls just to get the god damned thing to stop. If you don't have a Niagara Falls near you, then just stab your phone with an ice-pick until it's dead. Or, if you're clever, you could also just text twitter the word "OFF" - it shuts "OFF" the texting "feature." Probably best just not to start it in the first place.

When you're ready to give yourself one more reason to throw yourself into the wolf pit with a big steak tied around your neck, you can get to my twitter page at this place where this link goes just click on the link it will take you there it's called the internet you idiot.

Aight. That's the twitter part of this post out of the way.

Coming soon, I've found YouTube gold. One of the most extraordinary videos you'll never see unless I show it to you. Before showing it, I'm going to intersperse my own witty comments to offset the sheer insanity of the jackass fruitcake in the video (for once, by the by, I'm not the jackass fruitcake).

You really have no idea. The video's been up for a year or so, and very few people have seen it. It's all mine - it's my great discovery. I totally showed it to this girl last night, and was totally like, "Oh."

Brace yourselves.

Now for something more important than me...

Ha ha. That was a joke. Get it?

Ha ha.

Nonetheless, something very important, and I'm shocked nobody's brought this up sooner - there's a tragedy out there so ghastly and miserable that even Bono's afraid to touch it.

I took Felix grocery shopping the other night so he could buy groceries. While at the grocery store, we walked by the flesh aisle. It was there that I first learned about this one thing.

As you'll see in the photo below, times are tough. Nobody - not even non-humans - is getting the health care they need and deserve.

Just because something has feathers and a weird red dangly thing on its face and is a bird and is stupid is no excuse for what we're allowing to happen here. You - me - Eskimos (especially Eskimos) - have all turned a blind eye to this atrocity. If you don't have a blind eye, but would like to participate in pretending like nothing's wrong, then I suggest you get creative with battery acid. You can totally get a hardcore chemical burn going on, permanently making that eyeball not work. But don't do it to both eyes. If you do it to both eyes, you won't be able to see anything, and then you won't know which way to turn to turn a blind eye to this problem.

For those of you who aren't interested in blinding yourselves, I'm starting a charity to battle this calamity. I'll post a PayPal link to which you can make donations that will be, without explanation, frozen by PayPal.

What, then, is this awful, terrible, really bad thing?

See for yourselves, ladies and gentlemen:

How did we let this happen?

Yes - you read correctly: "Raised Without Antibiotics".

Every day, millions of chickens die because they don't have access to the simplest of medications, and also because farmers kill them.

I think it's noble that we eat these majestic creatures rather than letting them go to waste after they've clucked their last cluck, but do you really want your children eating a meat that died of Anthrax?

I didn't think so. Unless you don't like your children. If you don't like your children, this diseased meat is a godsend.

I confront you in the face to do the right thing here.

Send me money.

If you don't have a PayPal account, just go to the "Sent" folder of your favorite email application, find one of the many responses you've sent to Nigerians looking to make you rich by making themselves rich instead of you, and copy and paste the banking information you sent them into a new email that you'll send to me. I'll take money from your accounts at my discretion with which to wage this battle on the frontline from my secret base in Fiji that you're going to finance.

Rory Blyth over and out.

[Gratuitous Links to my Homies - Not Part of the Post Above] [Learn More]

- Lloyd - I will continue to link to you until the day I stop. You've been so insanely awesome to me - you leave some of the most positive comments - the kind of stuff that makes the pain of writing for this crap web site tolerable. Also, although I doubt very many people read my "gratuitous links" section, check out Lloyd's "Hire Me" section. All bias toward his kindness to me aside, he's a smart, outgoing kid, and I have no doubt he's going to be a highly successful limey business guy someday, but it's never too early to start even though a large number of freedom-limiting child labor acts were passed in his home country many years ago that might say otherwise.

- David Chartier - You used a bad word in the title of your post from which you linked to me. I liked it very much. I like you very much.

- Chris Rondat - Yep. The infamous Beer28. He's been pretty cool lately. I get the feeling our rivalry has finally died, which is nice. He's in the process of moving himself and his business from Canada and its insane taxes to California. Here's to hoping running a business in the states is far better than running a business in Canada...