[If there are typos in here, it's because I'm too tired to find and fix 'em.]
As usual when I disappear, I've gotten contacted in every possible way about where I've gone.
As usual, there's too much to respond to bit by bit.
As usual, I'll do it here. And I'll keep it short.
About a week and a half ago, something went horribly wrong with my meds. Blood pressure, heart rate, body temp, and other vitals all over the place. Did a lot of puking. Puking around the toilet, on the toilet, on myself, and, when I was lucky, in the toilet.
Crashed into the worst depression I've had in almost the past year. Obsessive thoughts, cycling for hours and hours and hours, day after day... "I want to die," and "I don't belong" were the most prominent.
Wanted to quit everything. Wanted to shut down Neopoleon. Guess I wanted to shut down me.
Spent a few hours with various doctor types. I was sedated for the obsessive thoughts. It worked, and I'm thankful for it. I was really losing my mind. Turning down the brain a few notches quieted the thoughts.
Because of the sedatives, my memory went on the fritz. I seem to be missing much of Sunday and Monday. That's hard for me, as my memory is usually demmed, demmed good.
I was in a cafe on... Tuesday? (See - I still don't know when things happened.) I was waiting for a friend of mine to show up because we'd made plans. I started to get rather irritated because she had stood me up. I called her and asked her where she was and when she was planning to show up. She was confused because we didn't have plans for that day - our plans were for the previous day. I'd forgotten. Even better, we'd hung out two days in a row.
I have foggy memories of texts and phone calls... but I was also nodding off each day and having these strange, vivid dreams. I don't know which calls actually happened and which were dreamt. Like, I think I'm supposed to be getting my haircut with a friend this weekend, but now I know that I have no idea.
The only things I can be sure of are the texts, voicemails, emails, and anything else that leaves a record.
One area the nodding has been really interesting is how it affected watching movies and reading. I'd be watching something, nod off, but not really fall asleep, and the show would continue in my head for some time, seamlessly. It wasn't until something uber weird happened that I'd realize I'd nodded off again.
That, as with the other things, happened over and over and over...
My sleep meds have also been changed, and I've been having amazing dreams. I hadn't dreamt much in ten months, and it's like my brain is getting all caught up right now. Fascinating. Not at all unwelcome.
Nauseated every day. It's been hard to eat. Taking anti-nausea meds hasn't helped with the mental fog, as those meds are also sedating.
Today is the first day I've gotten up and felt pretty all right. I'm eating right now. Sipping a latte. Typing. I'm aware of my surroundings. I'm not totally nauseated. I'm not having obsessive thoughts. I don't want to kill myself.
I feel overwhelmed about figuring out just what in the hell has happened these past few days and whether there's anything I need to attend to. I'm a little nervous about what might set off another depressive episode. I'm not taking the sedatives because I want to be awake and have my memory and experience things.
It looks like I wrote a couple posts while I was out crazy. I'll check 'em out and see if they're worth putting up (provided they even make sense).
If I come out of this depression soon, then it'll all be worth it. In the past, I'd be severely depressed for up to a year at a time. Since being diagnosed as bipolar, it seems like my docs can cut that down to a couple weeks. It's intense and horrible and painful (physically/mentally), but, if you've ever wanted to blow your head off, you know there aren't many things in life than suddenly losing that desire.
So... thanks for being here. Thanks for your messages. I haven't been reading any of them or listening to my voicemail. I've just seen email subject lines indicating concern. Hopefully I'll get around to checking the messages out. It's just, as I said, I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I woke up from a coma.
There's so much more to talk about, but I said I'd keep it short, and, for me, this is short.
It'll all come out along the way.
I kiss you all over your face.